Australia on high alert after giant ducky breaks free

There is a giant inflatable yellow duck drifting somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Her name is Daphne, and her owners are seeking help in getting her back.

All of Australia is on alert following reports of a giant ducky floating away from a swim event. The Cockburn Masters Swimming Club, which held the event, had bought Daphne as a sort of mascot. During the swim, Daphne caught some high winds and was blown out to sea.

We can only assume that Daphne is out there in the ocean, plotting her revenge and waiting for the right time to strike.

If you want to frolic, man, just frolic

We’re not saying that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is obsessed with his manly image, but even when he frolics,  he  only does so accompanied by a snow leopard.

There are rumors of Putin’s alleged

  • Skipping with a mini-gun
  • Holding a tea party with the Hell’s Angels
  • Trying on wedding dresses on the wing of a mid-flight biplane
  • Inserting his tampons with a blue applicator instead of the girly pink one

But all sources for these are no longer available for comment.

Worst. Fetish. EVER.

We could list a lot of things that make people super-ultra-randy and us cringe (to say the least), but we’re a, for the most part, safe for work site. Which kind of negates that attempt on our part.

However, we will say what is an awesome idea: lap dances at halftime.

Horrible fetish: lap dances for only mascots.

Did no one think to discuss the idea with the Duke University lacrosse team?

The big eyes alone make him worthy of being one

Students at the University of Mississippi have launched a campaign to replace their former Civil War era mascot, Colonel Reb, with the leader of the Rebel forces, Admiral Ackbar. But is it a trap? Officials at Ole’ Miss are leaning more towards, yes, “IT’S A TRAP!”

Oh c’mon, that was a lot of fun to say, even as someone who’s not a Star Wars geek.

Since 2003, the University of Mississippi retired Colonel Reb, the Ole Miss’ Colonel Sanders lookalike, as their on-field mascot. This year students voted on whether to begin the search for a new mascot, and surprisingly enough, the squid-eyed Supreme Commander of the Rebel fleet has garnered some serious press as a candidate, thanks in no small part to an internet campaign that went viral.

Even though there’s no chance in the world that Ole Miss’ administration will honor the vote if, in the slim chance that the good Admiral wins, the idea of him puttering around The Grove, slamming shots with Abercrombie & Fitch wearing frat boys is too ludicrously awesome for this reality.