Come on, get happy, Massachusetts

Massachusetts, it could be said, is angry. Or sad. Or just indifferent. We’re not sure, they’re just not happy, or at least, their hours haven’t been in decades. And unfortunately, it may stay that way.

Lawmakers have floated the idea of maybe bringing back happy hour to the state for years, but a recent report alludes to that not happening.

The report, issued Thursday by the Alcoholic Beverage Control Commission, found that many restaurant owners feared the changes would create a ‘race to the bottom,’ in which establishments would try to undercut each other’s prices to the extent that their business models would no longer be viable.

Spoken like people who fear money. People of Massachusetts, don’t let this stand. Contact your legislators to have happy hour return to your state! Viva la boozion!

Next time, let the men stay home and watch football

The birth of a child is a wonderful thing — a wonderful, yet messy, thing. And to celebrate the anticipated live birth, expectant parents often throw themselves baby showers, because that stuff’s not cheap, and their friends will never see them again.

Naturally, when there is gift giving and hopes for the future of a new human life, the atmosphere can get a little tense, that’s why it’s no surprise that a fight broke out at a baby shower in Massachusetts. Police say as many as 200 people (!) were involved in a fight that ended with four arrests, with charges including assault and battery on a police officer.

Welcome to the family, little one!

The turkey uprising has begun

It happens every year: turkeys taking out their violent tendencies upon unsuspecting and innocent human beings. AND YET, it has happened again!

People in quiet and wholesome Brookside, Massachusetts, have become the unwitting victims of the Thanksgiving bird. A pack of vicious turkeys ambushed a woman and her neighbor at her house, forcing the two to take refuge in her parked vehicle. But the terror wasn’t over. The birds then proceeded to attack the vehicle and THEN her house!

A few weeks later, the same woman was walking in her neighborhood when another pack of turkeys chased after her. She wasn’t as lucky this time. The birds left her with scratches. Loyal SG audience, don’t just eat turkeys at Thanksgiving. Make sure to keep the consumption going.

Beware the intentions of animals that approach you with beer

The Guys don’t think it’s absurd to state that clearly, animals are now on one big public relations tour. First, it was the shark that somehow didn’t try to eat a sea-stranded man (he must not have looked like Samuel L. Jackson). And now? Now, there are horses that deliver beer to you.

Good grief.

Okay, so we should probably reword that some. The horses in question, the Budweiser Clydesdale horses, don’t just deliver beer at the drop of a hat. Instead, they made a stop in Massachusetts last week to drop off a prize that a man won in a contest. Which is neat, seeing incredibly strong enemies of ours in this war forced to bend to our whims.

But the prize was a case of beer. Budweiser beer. It’s quite literally the case of win some, lose some.

But won’t someone think of the money?

A woman in Massachusetts has decided to offer a fairly large reward for her cat: it’s a song to the tune of 2000 dollars. We don’t know what the lady does for a living, or why she’s so much of a species traitor as to offer that much money for a cat when she could buy a lot of kittens with that amount.

All we know is this: finally, humans will benefit from the stupidity of animals.

Just call him Principal Gogo

The principal of Dorchester, Massachusetts, Roger Clapp School (seriously, that explains all of NOTHING) lost a bet to his students. As such, he had to dress up as Lady Gaga.

This means he’s a knock-off of Lady Gaga, who is a knock-off of Madonna. This trait of being a knock-off of a knock-off firmly places him in the territory of potentially being sold at Big Lots.

Your doodies will save the economy

Back at the beginning of last month, we told you about a proposal against cursing in public being brought up, potentially to raise funds for the town of Middleborough, Massachusetts.

In a move that surprises no one in these financially-starved days, the proposal has gone through. Thanks to a near landslide vote of 183 to 50, anyone swarthy and sailor-y enough to use vulgarities in public will now be forced to hand over one Andrew Jackson plastered greenback. As to be expected, the ACLU has already taken an interest in the matter.

Booze Team, we can now cross off Middleborough from the list of the next reunion locations.

Cops use super-effective moves on thieves

At a Walmart in Massachusetts, staff apparently saw three men shoplift packs of Pokémon cards and exit the store. Police searched one of the suspects’ vehicle and discovered a large stash of Pokémon cards worth 442 dollars.

Those are the facts. Here are more facts: the three men—David Danforth, James J. Davis, and Sean H. Nadeau—were arrested and now face charges of conspiracy and larceny. All are at least 18 years of age.

Okay. I’ve not bought a pack of trading cards since I was 9, maybe 10, and they were, at most, around 4 dollars a pack. I can only assume that since 18 years have passed, the prices of trading card packs have gone up. Nonetheless, how does someone steal that many packs of cards and who are they selling it to? Also, if they’re in Walmart, couldn’t they shoplift something of a higher resale value?

Economic revitalization, one doody at a time

Poop. Frack. Frick. Doody. Gee whiz. Gosh darn.

Unless you happen to have a lot of Andrew Jacksons in your wallet at all times while you’re in Middleborough, Massachusetts, get used to saying those words rather than their more … salacious cousins. Police Chief Bruce Gates has proposed that 20 dollar tickets be issued to people caught using vulgarities in public as a way to enforce a quality of life and cut back on noise pollution. Friend of the guys Paul Healey has officially been banned from a city.

Crap.