Spinach leaf made into heart tissue, soon self-aware

It seems inevitable that we will go to war with plants. After we rid the planet of animal life, it will be plants that we will compete with for resources. Luckily for us, plants don’t move very fast. But thanks to science, that could change.

Researchers in Massachusetts recently announced that they turned a spinach leaf into functioning human heart tissue, making the leafy green more disgusting than ever before. They were able to remove plant cells, add in human ones. They then pumped some fluids through it to show that the veins of the leaf could be used to carry human blood one day.

That means that we’re not too far off from having living, breathing plants, if we understand science correctly. Once that happens, we’ll have people telling us that salad is murder. Mark our words.

Man framed by deer

Traffic court is not a place you want to be. It’s a huge time commitment and usually it’s over an amount of money that’s not worth it in the end. Regardless of whether you are innocent, it’s generally to be avoided. But what if police have the wrong guy?

In Massachusetts, claimed just such a thing over a speeding ticket. He told a judge that not was he not speeding when police pulled him over, but that the real offender wasn’t even human. In fact, a speeding deer that was to blame. The man claimed the police officer’s radar gun had actually caught the speed of a nearby deer, rather than his car.

The judge upheld the speeding ticket fine, and the deer remains at large.

If you like charity so much, why don’t you marry it?

In Boston's musical celebration of dead husbands, there's only one song: "Sweet Caroline."
In Boston’s musical celebration of dead husbands, there’s only one song: “Sweet Caroline.”

If you didn’t hate New Englanders enough already because of the Patriots, this should inspire you to burn some foliage in effigy: Boston-area widows and divorcées are dropping wedding bands and engagement rings in Salvation Army buckets.

It started last year with an anonymous widow outside of Boston’s North Station and became a trend. And now this year, another anonymous donor donated a wedding band and engagement ring set appraised at over $3500. Or, is this the same widow, and has she struck again with another dead husband? Why is Boston PD covering up a serial murderess/philanthropist?

The Salvation Army is fine with it, either way. (I mean, obviously. They hired an appraiser this year.) And, while they normally don’t turn away any donation, they ask that disappointed moms stop dropping off their Jane Seymour Open Heart necklaces. The design blocks up the change slot, and your bus fare is worth more.

Salem court binds warlock’s mystical jerk powers

If she weighs more than a duck, then she just isn't that into you.
If she weighs more than a duck, then she just isn’t that into you.

In today’s reading of history, nobody sides with Salem’s court system when it tries witches. That is, until today, when it issued a restraining order against a warlock for allegedly harassing a local witch. (And, yes, a warlock is a witch. Just with a pair of cauldrons down there.)

Lori Sforza, a self-proclaimed witch and Head Mother of Our Lord and Lady of the Trinacrian Rose Church, asked for an order to stop the world’s most unfortunately named warlock ever, Christian Day. Sforza said Day used the dark powers of telephony to make harassing calls.

So, if you ever feel like our government can’t do anything these days, at least it can contain the supernatural … or can it?

Happy Halloween from the Guys! And to our Wiccan readers who may or may not be currently navigating our legal system, happy new year!

Chase the bear, then get drunk

"Yea, so, ah ... I mightah got hammahed and chased a f*ckin' beah last night."
“Yea … so, ah … I mightah got hammahed and chased a f*ckin’ beah last night.”

Camping season is upon us, which for park rangers means shepherding drunks away from wildlife. And, brother, this season is already booming.

The North Adams Police Department in Massachusetts reportedly took a man into custody to protect him from the bear that he was chasing with a hatchet. They then issued a warning on Facebook to “NOT chase bears through the woods with a dull hatchet, drunk” [shouty-caps emphasis theirs].

You heard the constables, folks. Sharpen your hatchets, then chase bears. And then, once the asthma sets in, have a drink. You’ve earned it, warrior.

You Missed It: Literary throwback edition

Since it's a sequel, you can expect a higher body count.
Since it’s a sequel, you can expect a higher body count.

This has got to be a weird time to live in Massachusetts. In the past two weeks, the Boston area got an entire season’s worth of snow, and it’s still shut down for the most part. On top of that, they’ve got the circus of the Aaron Hernandez murder case just getting underway, and the jury selection for the Boston Marathon bombing is happening. And let’s not forget about the New England Patriots winning the Super Bowl, and the parade through the snow-filled streets of Boston. If you were a shark dancing out of sync this week, odds are you missed it.

‘To Kill a Mockingbird 2,’ this time it’s personal
This week, it was announced that after the better part of a century, author Harper Lee will publish another novel. “Go Set a Watchman” was written before “To Kill a Mockingbird,” and is about Scout’s return home as an adult to visit her father. The book was never published, probably because the other book did so well, and we weren’t all sequel crazy back then. Rumor has it that it’s going to be a reboot of the beloved franchise, with an all-female cast, including Atticus Finch and Boo Radley.

Williams under fire for not being under fire
NBC News anchor Brian Williams apologized this week for his erroneous recounting of a helicopter flight early in the Iraq war in 2003. He said during an earlier broadcast that his helicopter had taken fire, and thanked one of the soldiers who kept him safe on that flight. As it turns out, his helicopter was never shot at, much less hit, leaving many to doubt his accounts of anything. It was also discovered that his daughter, Allison Williams, cannot, in fact, fly.

Women wet whistles with whiskey
According to a recent report, vodka sales are slumping here in the U.S. two years in a row, and it’s probably because more women and drinking whiskey instead. This is great news for gender equality. After all, a woman should be able to ramble on about how her life is a disappointment, just like a man.

Maybe WWLP re-prioritizes what it leads with?

In Springfield, Massachusetts, before the snow fell down, a fall went down on snow of the illicit variety. Last week, cops busted two men, seizing 2300 bags of heroin, almost 23 thousand dollars, and three handguns. One bag thrown into the backseat of a car had a thousand bags of heroin in it! That’s a great bust!

But local news being local news makes sure to lead with what really matters: almost 1400 bags had “Lucky Charms” stamped on them.

Keep aiming high for that local Emmy, guys.

Don’t the elderly enjoy a visit from the spirits that aren’t dead?

Massachusetts refuses to not be a hotbed of controversy.

Isn’t that a laugh? But seriously, a controversial issue is appearing in the state: should alcohol be allowed in retirement homes? It’s a law that’s recently appeared on the desk of Governor Deval Patrick. Some people feel that seniors should be able to take part in the responsible joy that is boozing, while others feel that mixing of liquor with a LOT of medication may not be the smartest result.

Our stance: can’t everyone just have their own obituary written? You know, just in case?

Example: “Chris Taylor died doing what he loved: drinking box wine out of an empty Febreeze bottle.

“Kids, kids, enough … you’re BOTH just horrible”

The war on Christmas, secular Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa has been going for years with no ground being gained whatsoever. Now, more fuel to add to that fire has been added: the city council of Holyoke, Massachusetts, will now decide whether they have a Christmas tree or a Holiday tree.

Here, allow me to decide this for you: You don’t have a Christmas tree. You don’t have a Holiday tree. What you have is a pine tree.

There. You’re welcome. That’ll be 17.50.

You Missed It: Foreign relations edition

This sounds like a job for The Worm!
This sounds like a job for The Worm!

It’s been a rough couple weeks. Some bad and disappointing things have highlighted a major problem in our society, even though there are plenty of people posting misspelled denials it exists. But in this suckiness, take a moment and be glad that you’re not passing that ignorance on, because that’s how things change. We’ll fix this somehow. Alright, enough of the serious stuff. If you were busy singing and prancing through the air on live TV this week, odds are you missed it.

Coming soon to a torrent near you
Sony Pictures said this week that it suffered a hacker attack, which lead to the pirating of five of its films. Internal memos, salaries and personal information were also leaked in the attack. The primary suspect is North Korea, which took offense to the recent Sony Pictures film The Interview, about the assassination of Kim Jong Un. Time to send in Team America.

Feel the conciliation
This week, Mark Walhberg asked the state of Massachusetts to remove a conviction from his record. The actor said he has done his time for his mistake and learned from it, further, he has a number of philanthropic efforts. He has asked that the state erase the biggest mistake of his youth. Nice try, Marky Mark, but you’re not getting off the hook for the Planet of the Apes remake that easily.

Stephen Hawking warns of forthcoming robot revolution
World-renowned astrophysicist Stephen Hawking warned this week that artificial intelligence could one day bring mankind to an end. Hawking recently switched to a new voice system that uses artificial intelligence to predict what words he may use next based on what he has already said. One of the smartest people on Earth is now using autocorrect and saying it could kill us all. Sleep tight, everyone!