Tag: Massachusetts

Economic revitalization, one doody at a time

Poop. Frack. Frick. Doody. Gee whiz. Gosh darn.

Unless you happen to have a lot of Andrew Jacksons in your wallet at all times while you’re in Middleborough, Massachusetts, get used to saying those words rather than their more … salacious cousins. Police Chief Bruce Gates has proposed that 20 dollar tickets be issued to people caught using vulgarities in public as a way to enforce a quality of life and cut back on noise pollution. Friend of the guys Paul Healey has officially been banned from a city.

Crap.

Today … in (almost but not quite) racism

Mmmm-mmmm. Sure, they may not be great for you, but sometimes, a big plate of chicken tenders can just hit the spot. And despite the health concerns, even kids can have them every now and then. But at four schools for children in Methuen, Massachusetts, only white people are allowed to eat them.

Okay, not really, but thanks to a typing error, that’s almost how it became. The person in charge of typing up the school menus mistakenly typed an extra ‘K’ for the item ‘KK Chicken Tenders’ (which stands for Krispy and Krunchy Chicken Tenders), resulting in approximately 6500 students being offered the ‘KKK Chicken Tenders’ for lunch. The menus were then republished after the mistake was pointed, thus making them valuable collectors items and worth a large amount of Confed-a-Bux.

For future menus, maybe they should just be called chicken tenders, no extra adjectives given. Just in case.

Here’s Johnn — whoops, sorry about that, please carry on

Massachusetts isn’t exactly a place where you expect the FBI to make raids on. That might be why there’s now an issue.

In an attempt to protect the world from COBRA VENOM the Decepticons terror, the FBI made one of their signature raids, guns (possibly) a-blazing and (definitely) chainsaws a-raring. Down went the apartment door! A woman and a young woman were made prisoners of the inner arm of the United States government!

Except, it turns out that the wrong apartment door was taken down. And the woman and young woman? A mother and daughter, made hostages at gunpoint of the inner arm of the government for half an hour. That silent and stealthy approach to making a raid? Potentially ruined by using a chainsaw, especially on the wrong target. Whoopsidoodle.

No more sax on the bus for one kid

A strong and righteous blow was struck in the war against smooth jazz! Pre-teen Andrew DiMarzio has decided to go into the vaunted career of saxophone player, already deciding to give up on helping the economy as an adult. As many current parents and young adults know, public schools are becoming more and more crowded.

Wherein lies the problem.

The case for DiMarzio’s saxophone is quite large and becomes a safety issue when a school bus is at full capacity. As such, the bus company that is used has banned the case. No word was mentioned about whether DiMarzio plays on the bus for spare change.

He was so discouraged. He wanted to give it up and that’s a crime,” she said.

Wellllll, technically no.

Noted leader of the Smooth Jazz Movement, Kenny G, could not be reached for comment, but many easy-going notes were heard in his place.

It’s the happiest of hours somewhere

Despite having a rich and fine tradition of drunken antics, drunken racists, drunken idiots and drunken revelry, happy hour does not exist in Massachusetts. Well, more specifically, happy hour specials don’t exist in Massachusetts.

That may now be a thing of the past.

Two state senators, one a Democrat, one a Republican, set aside their political differences to help the most important part of the economy: booze. In the old set-up, a state laws prevent discounts on alcoholic drinks in restaurants if they’re specials of the daily or hourly variety; however, casinos were allowed to serve free alcohol.

The newly passed amendment now allows restaurants outside of casinos to serve the same promotions that casinos are able to serve. Free booze for all!

Bipolar cat is bipolar

Like a cruel affront to mankind, like a feline adaptation of a Roosevelt Grier movie, a monster has arisen. The worst part is that it hasn’t been put down for 12 years.

A Massachusetts man, Marty Stevens, has willingly become a species traitor. Not only did he save the creature from being euthanized, he’s even given the beast two names: Frank and Louie. Worcester native, how dare you give this thing an identity! The cat has four (three?) eyes with which to spy on us and two mouths with which to take your life. Do not think that it is a docile animal that thanks you for saving it. Nay, that monster was born with not a genetic defect, but a genetic superfect (that’s opposite of defect [when something is good, not bad], right? sounds good to me)!

Janus cats don’t normally live long at all. With your help, you’ve managed to keep this one alive for over a decade, thus creating genes that may turn things around for the species. Congratulations on helping out the enemy, jerk.

A little racism is OK in war

Warriors, we’re in trouble.

A group of Tibetan Buddhists released 534 live lobsters back into the Atlantic Ocean, just off the coast of Massachusetts, last Wednesday. They claim that this was part of their observance of Chokhur Duchen, or the anniversary of Buddha’s turning of the Dharma Wheel. But we know better.

There’s only one thing Buddhists are known for more than Richard Gere, and that thing is Kung Fu.

I can see their logic

We have a Dunkin Donuts located just across from the office where I work. It’s saved me many a long morning, as Chris needs his coffee. And sugar. And donuts. And munchkins (hooray for cannibalism!). For me, deliciousness tends to breed loyalty.

Sometimes it can also breed crime. A Dunkin Donuts in Massachusetts was robbed by three men armed with knives and a hatchet, which seems like a little bit of overkill for a Bavarian creme donut. The men confronted the two employees in the store and ran off with a paper bag. Inside were donuts.

While police feel that the robbers were under the presumption that the day’s earnings were in the bag, I’m pretty sure that the men knew jelly and creme filled goodness littered that magical bag. Heck, I’d be tempted to wear a balaclava into the site by office if it meant I’d get an extra munchkin or 20.

So that’s how it is in their school

B.M.C. Durfee High School in Fall River, Mass., has employed a new tactic for getting chronically tardy and truant students into class:

The best part, though? New York City schools use a wake-up call recorded by Magic Johnson, making robo-phone sex the safest sex you could ever have with the former NBA all-star.

It’s football, not footbooze

Now, we of all people are certainly not advocating underage drinking, BUT, usually the high school drinking happens after the dance, rather than before it.

This is equally important to keep in mind when your high school football team seemingly consists of 20 people or less than that amount. Oh, and if you’re one of those 20 people. I mean, even my bumpkin cow-town high school was able to fit more than 30 people on our roster.