“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” -Henry VI, William Shakespeare.
Even Shakespeare knew in the 17th century that frivolous suits were the bane of civilization. Sadly, some near 400 years later, we’re still living in a litigious society that knows no bounds. Especially when it’s clearly a victim’s fault that a driver hits them in a head-on collision.
In our coverage about the Gates arrest while everyone ignores health care, we made note of President Obama’s invitation to Gates and Crowley to the White House for a beer.
In the comments, we made this prediction:
Rick Snee on July 28th, 2009 11:42 am
This week’s big “political” scandal: is Obama a beer snob? How much are taxpayers paying for special interest brews? Why does Obama support outsourcing American pale ales to India?
You read it here first, folks.
Read it and weep, unbelievers. We’re movers and shakers, baby.
If you’ve been following the Henry Louis Gates, Jr. situation, you might be a little disappointed. Sgt. James Crowley turned out not to be as much of a cross-and/or-book-burning Cambridge gestapo than we hoped.
Worse yet, they’re settling this problem with a beer, so Gates might not be as much of a latte-sipping, vagina-painting snob than we thought.
Honestly, all we ask for–as a news-reading public–is a little over-the-top racism. Black-on-white, white-on-black … who cares? Didn’t you see the box office numbers for Gran Turino?
And that’s where Boston police officer Justin Barrett saves the day. Let’s go to the quote box:
“In Barrett’s e-mail, which was posted on a Boston television station’s Web site, he declared that if he had ‘been the officer he verbally assaulted like a banana-eating jungle monkey, I would have sprayed him in the face with OC (oleoresin capsicum, or pepper spray) deserving of his belligerent non-compliance.’
“Barrett used the ‘jungle monkey’ phrase four times, three times referring to Gates and once referring to [Boston Globe columnist, Yvonne] Abraham’s writing as ‘jungle monkey gibberish.'”
Mm, delicious. But that’s not all! What did Barrett follow it up with after he got in trouble?
“‘I have so many friends of every type of culture and race you can name. I am not a racist.'”
Gonna need a cigarette after that. Nothing beats old-timey “some of my best friends” crackery.
This week in America, it’s a sanity sale! All things must be blown out of proportion! That’s right: no credibility checks and no personal accountability for the entire first year of blustering!
This deal, of course, only applies to our Henry Louis Gates, Jr. arrest in Cambridge, Mass. But, the options are entirely up to you! Packages include:
And new for today:
Act now, and we’ll throw in our self-satisfaction undercoat and a handjob from the AM radio host of your choice!
It’s a slow news week, we get that much. Here at SG, we thrive on the stories that don’t always make it to the front page, but when the major news corporations start doing that, you know it’s almost time for a holiday.
Just yesterday, still only a matter of hours ago, CNN broke a shocking story in Massachusetts: there’s a piano in the woods! Luckily the Harwich, Massachusetts police are on the case, and they always get their piano man.
As if this were not enough, the details that have come out so far from the case have been nothing short of shocking.
“Discovered by a woman who was walking a trail, the Baldwin Acrosonic piano, model number 987, is intact–and, apparently, in tune.”
Mother of god, no! Why did it have to be a Baldwin Acrosonic piano, much less model number 987, which is the deadliest model number of all Baldwin Acrosonic pianos out there? And intact? Sweet C minor, we’re all doomed! What kind of diabolic mind would set up such a music instrument?
Stay in your homes, people of Harwich! You never know what other dangerous musical instruments you might stumble across trespassing in the woods.
Ever notice that college is just like religion? They both claim that you’re better off financially if you attend them, but they’re always hounding you for money after you leave.
Yep, despite housing the greatest business and financial minds in their teaching faculties, colleges are horrible with money. But that’s how it’s always been.
However, you know things are bad when your school’s letters for alumni handouts sound like your own undergrad calls home:
“With the recent economic downturn and loan crisis, it has become even more important for Framingham State College to receive your support. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah …”
… which went on and on 113 more times and was signed by Framingham State College’s alumni association president.
Anyway, alumni were angered, the school had to make apologies–yadda yadda yadda–your degree from FSC became worthless because of a slow news cycle and even slower communications department.
In other news of drunken attacks between friends, two friends in Springfield, Massachusetts were hanging out, drinking some beer and doing some yard work. The usual. But then, things turned ugly.
The two friends got into an argument, and while the details are not quite clear, somebody got whacked around with a rake. Proving once again the age old addage, “Don’t drink a lot of beer with your friend while raking leaves, then insult his sister, because you may end up being an assault victim.”
The rake was not available for comment.
Don’t let that McCain ad in our right-hand margin fool you: SeriouslyGuys is, and always has been, a relatively apolitical site. We don’t endorse candidates because we’re issues-driven. (Those issues, of course, are the wars on animals, aliens and education.) That said, when we write about political candidates in the Scurry section, it’s always in the interest of equal-opportunity offense.
So there’s been some bellyaching from Hillary-supporters. They are upset because Barack Obama gets, as they put it, “far more coverage” in the media. In an attempt to balance the Democratic media-coverage spreadsheet, I’ve decided to provide the Hillary campaign with coverage comparable to Obama’s. (You’re welcome, Mrs. Clinton.)
