Tag: mayans

You Missed It: Backfire edition

"I've asked Batman here to personally train all of the volunteers."
“I’ve asked Batman here to personally train the volunteers.”

So, when’s the next Doomsday estimate? Does anyone know? For a couple years now, it’s been one after another. We had the crazy guy with the church (which could be said for pretty much any End of Days prediction, really), saying the world was going to end two different times. Today, we proved the Mayans wrong. At some point, waiting for the world to end turns into wanting the world to end. If you were raptured this week, odds are you missed it.

A cop on every corner
Exactly one week after 26 people, including 20 elementary-school students, were murdered at the hands of a crazed shooter with legally-acquired assault weapons, the NRA broke its silence. The NRA’s Wayne LaPierre blamed the media, video games, movies, music videos, natural disasters, the Obama administration and more as the cause of the shooting. But not guns. The group called for an armed police officer to be assigned to every school in the U.S., and if funding can’t be found, have armed volunteers patrol instead. Because the only thing that can keep an armed stranger from roaming the halls of our schools is an armed stranger roaming the halls of our schools.

The long, strange lives of Olympians
Olympians may live longer than the average human because they lead active lifestyles, according to a study released this week. In unrelated news, The Smoking Gun found that former Olympian Suzy Favor Hamilton has been making money lately as an escort in Las Vegas, charging $600 an hour. Favor Hamilton said she looks forward to outliving her coworkers.

Person of the Year: The Year
TIME named President Barack Obama its person of the year, the second time he has won the honor. Obama beat out the Higgs Boson. After naming “the protester” the person of 2011, I’m just glad that the venerable magazine remembered to give the award to a specific person, rather than a group of persons, or you know, a theoretical particle.

Your crackpot theory invalidates mine

It turns out that the United States isn’t the only nation that hates 2012. The film is also on North Korea’s “To Don’t” list.

Kim Jong-il, who complies the list for the glorious benefit of all his human shields, has cracked down on anyone smuggling or receiving copies of the penultimate disaster porn flick.

Is it because the film is an unwatchable wreck, a cheap tug on the heartstrings followed by stunning visuals, a heartrending reminder of how John Cusack used to make good movies?

No, it’s because the year 2012 is the centennial celebration of the not-so-immortal leader, Kim Sung-il. That is the point that North Korea is supposed to “open the grand gates to becoming a rising superpower.”

So, if anything’s gonna destroy the world, it’s gonna be North Korean ascendancy, not some stupid Mayans.

Take it from Snee: We’re losing the 2010 war

There’s a war for our future going on right now.

It encompasses Afghanistan and Iraq, Russia and former members of the Eastern Bloc and even red and blue state alike (well, more blue state, really).

We are closer to returning to the Dark Ages than ever before, a time when years were referred to by the thousands. If we enter the next decade with the same mindset, everything we fought for the past 2,000 years will be for naught.

We talked about this before. Now it’s October, the beginning of the holiday season. As of midnight, January 1st, the pronunciation of 2010 and the fate of our children’s children will be settled.

And we’re already being dragged behind by notorious terrorist Roland Emmerich. Continue reading Take it from Snee: We’re losing the 2010 war

Take it from Snee: Look out! The world’s ending!

Not really. You'd be spread out all over the place.

Way back in 1999, I understood that the world might end at 12 a.m., New Year’s Day, 2000. That made sense: computers would launch nukes to prevent the return of 1900.

I wasn’t entirely against it because, well, isn’t dying worth avoiding the Titanic, two world wars and disco? If I could trust a computer to provide my pornography, this was an easy decision on who to trust.

Unfortunately, I woke up in the newly-minted Year 2000.

It wasn’t unfortunate because straw hats and ragtime had returned, but because I was hung-over and on several husbands’ to-beat-up lists for hitting on their wives. (C’mon, the world was ending/I was 18.)

From January 1, 2000 and two Excedrin on, I lived. I went to school, helped start a Web site and got married. Little did I know that I did all this on borrowed time, that the world will end before I turn 30 … well, 32, and in one of several ways. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Look out! The world’s ending!