You can’t afford to be bigoted

"I'm fired. But who cares? I'm still rich."
“I’m fired. But who cares? I’m still rich.”

It’s important to remember that, while Donald Trump locked up the Republican nomination after categorically suspecting Mexicans of rape and drug trafficking and Muslims of terrorism, he still hasn’t gotten the job of president. He can still blow the second half of the interview by failing to convince enough Americans that he didn’t somehow mean all of that in a racist or bigoted way.

Even more importantly: whether he wins the election or not, Trump will be OK. Even if most of the country thinks he’s a racist, he has enough money — possibly even untaxed money — to say and do racist things. He will be able to retire to any segregated (emphasis on “gated”) community once this is all said and done, safe from the half of the country he’s alternately insulting and paying lip-service to right now.

So, please keep this in mind when you’re about to post something on social media that Trump would say. Ask yourself: “Can I afford to post this?” Because an elementary school teacher’s aide in Georgia and the mayor of West York, Pennsylvania just learned that, no, they can’t afford it and will most likely need to seek out new careers.

A tale of two Marty Walshes

Fun Fact: if the two Boston Marty Walshes ever make physical contact, it will unravel the fabric of time and space (which is really a stupid thing to make existence out of).
Fun Fact: if the two Boston Marty Walshes ever make physical contact, it will unravel the fabric of time and space (which is really a stupid thing to make existence out of).

After winning the Boston mayoral election, Marty Walsh received two calls: one from the President’s calling service and the next from Vice President Joe Biden himself. The only problem was that both called the wrong Marty Walsh in Boston.

Both had called Marty Walsh, a consultant who managed Ted Kennedy’s 2006 senate reelection campaign, not Marty Walsh, the guy Boston just elected.

We guess it makes sense that the White House is the last office on Earth that still uses the White Pages.

There’s no infestation like a New York City infestation …

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that, despite the city’s best efforts, you just can’t kill off a New Yorker infestation. “Babies born in New York City in 2009 can expect to live on average 80.6 years, roughly 2-1/2 years more than the most recently reported national rate of 78.2 years,” the mayor told members of the press, ruefully shaking his head.

It was hoped that, by shortening human lifespans, this research would lead to a cure for the city’s bed bug problem — a plan that animal rights activists hailed as a fun exercise in role reversal. Alas, all of the Mayor Bloomberg’s initiatives, “including bans on public smoking and the use of trans-fats in restaurants,” have only resulted in more New Yorkers living longer neurotic lives.

“If you want to live longer and healthier than the average American, then come to New York City,” the mayor said before distributing cyanide capsules and pistols to his staff. “Me? I want off this merry-go-round, and I’ll do the same for anyone else.”

Holding out for a Big Galloot

The Guys and Bonnie Tyler agree with today’s Headline of the Day: where have the Big Galloots gone?

For those of you who don’t special order your underwear, the “Big Galloots” are a pair of men’s briefs that, at 8-feet, hold the record for World’s Largest Men’s Underpants. They were housed in the City Museum in St. Louis, but now? Gone, baby, gone like yesterday’s elastic.

They were reportedly last seen surrounding St. Louis mayor’s spokesperson, Kara Bowlin, until she nearly broke into tears. If found in her possession, this would be the second largest stain on her career since that fateful day.

(Via Michael J. Nelson. Yeah, that one.)

Tanks for the memories

For most mayors, a show of power by them is normally just embezzling a large sum of cash, then presumably hiding the money in the undergarments of a lady of the night, a loved one or a paramour. For some, it’s getting reelected. Sometimes it’s a combination of them all. For Arturas Zuokas, it’s driving around his town in a tank and crushing the vehicles of his citizens.

It would seem that in the Lithuanian town of Vilnius, the owners of expensive cars have begun parking said vehicles in the bike lanes, which has become a big problem.

“I’ve had enough of these drivers parking their luxury cars on bike lanes and pedestrian crossings. This tank is a good tool to solve the problem of parking in the wrong place,”

To combat this outbreak, the mayor made the only sensible decision and drove an eight-wheeled tank over a Mercedes Benz parked in a bike lane. Mind you, this issue with the cars isn’t a historically bad problem, it’s just been something that’s arisen over the past week or so.

“In the past few days, expensive cars have been illegally parked in almost this exact place – a Rolls-Royce and a Ferrari,” he said in a video released by the city government.

We’d just like to point out that last part so that people don’t think Mayor Zuokas made a horribly rash decision.

Vilnius: The new face of craziness insanity reckless behavior terror. The town’s sleepiness belies its true nature.

We’d buy that for a dollar

Detroit has, for some years, struggled with it’s image … Alright, who are we kidding here? Detroit sucks.

The most iconic things to come out of it since Motown are Eminem, Kid Rock, the Lions, Home Improvement and Chrysler. The only way that list could include more failure is if a Detroit-based medical lab accidentally developed AIDS while working on a cancer cure. (For the CIA, of course.)

And there’s been no movement to fix that–not until a recent Internet poll by Mayor Dave Bing. Unfortunately, Mayor Bing has rejected your suggestion to erect a statue to Robocop.

[Special thanks to Matt Staggs.]

Italy’s tired of your s%@t

Italy is at war, a war against indecency.

Mayors are using new powers granted by the Prime Minister to combat the social ills plaguing their towns. No more will peaceful townsfolk have to endure the brazen delinquency of … miniskirts?

Mayor Luigi Bobbio of Castellammare di Stabia has invoked his anti-anti-social rites to outlaw revealing clothing, sunbathing, playing football (not what you think) in public places and–in case you were planning to curse after receiving your fine–blasphemy.

Other Italian towns have cracked down on the very practices that once destroyed their empire, including “sandcastles, kissing in cars, feeding stray cats, wooden clogs and the use of lawn mowers at weekends.”

New moral order, folks. Take your debauchery very quietly elsewhere.

Don’t look now, but there’s an alien behind you

If you’ve ever wondered exactly how far Jordan is behind the United States in the joke department, the answer is 72 years, 6 months and 30 days.

Jordanian officials nearly evacuated the town of Jafr after their newspaper, Al Ghad, printed on the cover of their April Fools issue that aliens had landed in the town. Once they “arrived,” the aliens reportedly went crazy, Yosemite Sam-style.

Wait, the mayor didn’t even know about an alien invasion in his own town until the newspaper reported it, presumably the next day? What, was he hiking the Appalachian or something?

Seeya, Las Vegas

NEWSFLASH: If you say that it’s irresponsible to blow your savings in Las Vegas, then their mayor will never be your friend!

That’s the lesson President Barack Obama has learned as Mayor Oscar “Unfortunate First Name” Goodman has rebuffed his visit to Las Vegas. Goodman refused to greet the President at the airport and has publicly declined any meetings until Obama calls to “rectify the situation.”

Look, folks. Las Vegas isn’t just some other desert city formed by gangsters for legal gambling and prostitution. It’s a city with feelings. To imply that it’s expensive to stay in a hotel shaped like a giant pyramid, drink $10 cocktails all night, get married and divorced within 24 hours and lose your girlfriend in a high stakes poker match–as they advertise–is just plain mean.

New York: One tough town

New Yorkers are “annoyed — furious is a better word” — that the Air Force One flyover of NYC was not a terrorist attack. Though the plane and its F-16 escort veered frustratingly close to the site of Ground Zero, the plane was not piloted by terrorists and did not crash into any buildings.

Enraged and traumatized to be teased with what could have been a very painful and scary moment, New York politicians like Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Senator Chuck Schumer want to know why New York wasn’t informed and whose head will roll for not killing several thousand of their constituents.

Even the therapists can’t handle the influx of tramautized patients. Social worker, Linda Garcia-Rose complained about being inundated with calls from patients who survived the tantalizingly-close calamity, many of whom live three blocks away from the World Trade Center.