You Missed It: Said and done edition

The best part of the debate was before it even happened.
The best part of the debate was before it even happened.

Have you ever noticed that the people who complain about political posts on social media are the ones who post the worst stuff? They’re always the ones who share inspirational quotes, or food pictures, or a million selfies. In a non-election year, I hate hearing about your politics, too. But this is important, and people who have something to say about it have more value in my feed than cat pictures. If you were busy writing a long-winded takedown of Rick’s column this week, odds are you missed it.

Debate noticeably Boneless
The third and mercifully final presidential debate took place this week, and it was the most noted for not going off the rails for once. The biggest moment of the night was when Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a puppet, to which the orange one replied that he wasn’t a puppet, but if he were to be one, he “would be the best, most elaborate and entertaining puppet you’ve ever seen, bleveme.”

Clap back
A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention this week found that STD rates in the U.S. rose last year. The reported cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis all rose dramatically. Also up last year: reality dating shows.

Woman defies fast food, reaches 100
A 100-year-old woman in Pennsylvania was given a surprise birthday party at her local McDonald’s, and given a certificate for free food for life at that fast food restaurant. In future news, 101-year-old woman dead of heart attack.

Clown Crisis: Ronald McDonald implicated?

Guess who's got two thumbs and hasn't been seen since clowns began terrorizing us.
Guess who’s got two thumbs and hasn’t been seen since clowns began terrorizing us.

There’s a popular saying during every period of mass hysteria when everyone becomes suspect and must submit to extra scrutiny: if you have nothing to hide, then what’s the problem?

Well, we have a very high-profile clown gone into hiding (besides Jared Leto, who’s still MIA). Ronald McDonald is AWOL, waiting out Clown Crisis 2016 before returning to the public eye.

His handlers at McDonald’s say they’re being “mindful of the current climate around clown sightings in communities” and “are being thoughtful in respect to Ronald McDonald’s participation in community events for the time being.”

But, we all know what’s really happening here, people. McDonald’s just doesn’t want their clown overlord accidentally standing next to a Wanted poster or television describing the suspect.

It’s time to boycott. Until McDonald’s either hands over Ronnie or brings back the McRib and Shamrock Shakes, we refuse to set foot in their clown-harboring restaurants.

McDonald’s breakfast — stuff of legends — available all day!

The crop-circles of breakfast food will now be available all day at select McDonald's locations.
The crop-circles of breakfast “food” will now be available all day at select McDonald’s locations.

Everybody! McDonald’s launches all-day breakfast items tomorrow! Finally, we can get whatever a McGriddle is after 10 a.m.

Of course, none of us have ever actually eaten McDonald’s breakfast. We’ve either always woken up too late or would rather eat actual g*ddamn food for breakfast when we do.

But, hey, we’re sure that, even if the meat in their burgers is questionable, it’s impossible to fake foamy, perfectly round yellow coasters and call them eggs, right?

Take it from Snee: Be yourself

“Be yourself.” It’s a cliché, sure. But, with the ability to recreate ourselves (terribly) on the Internet, it’s important to remember that being yourself isn’t the best because we’re naturally the best. It’s the best because, dude, that’s the best you’re ever going to do.

Turns out that hockey pads really are sh*t for crimefighting.
Turns out that hockey pads really are sh*t for crime fighting.

For instance, I could aspire to be better. I could be Batman … until I wake back up in the ICU with severe head trauma from 10 years of martial arts training, frostbite and bullet wounds.

Lesson learned: Even if being me does not improve life for anyone or anything on Earth, I will be myself because trying to be Batman hurts and trying to be Stephen Hawking gets you rebuked by the American Association of People with Disabilities.

Now, if only the following people/companies would learn the same lesson …  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Be yourself

As always, follow-through is key

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: SeriouslyGuys does not advocate people committing crimes.

That said, if you’re going to attempt a crime, you must plan for the three parts of it: the set-up, the execution of the crime and the escape. You can’t half-ass one of the parts, you’ve got to be precise and careful with all of the steps. Especially the escape.

Because, you know, for the escape part, most people just escape.

Fire and ice cream

Gents, when a lady asks you to buy her some ice cream, perhaps you should.

In Florida, authorities say that a man refused to buy his woman a McFlurry from McDonald’s, so she set his car on fire. After an argument about getting the frosty treat, the woman apparently grabbed the man’s car keys, dumped alcohol and gasoline on the car, and set it ablaze.

Which begs the question, why did she take his keys?

Always keep napkins handy

If you work in the fast food industry, make sure to give everyone plenty of napkins, or else you may get sued.

In California, Webster Lucas got a burger from McDonald’s and found that there was only one napkin in his bag. When he asked a manager for more, he was turned down. The manager then allegedly made a racist comment under his breath. Lucas is now suing McDonald’s for $1.5 million because of the mental anguish the incident caused.

So be generous with the napkins. Or, you know, don’t be a racist.

The French REALLY take their French fries seriously

In what can only be described as a new trend involving food and large bladed objects, we have more on the maddening saga of how not to express your feelings about something. This is POINTY WATCH: 2013.

A man in France decided that his fries were too cold. He loves his McDonald’s fries, but he hates them being cold. He voiced his concern and feelings. The response he was given did not leave him satisfied. Presumably unsure of what to do, the young man did the only logical thing to do: he went to his van, returned with an axe and began attacking the drive-thru window of the fast food giant.

Please note, people: it’s a lot easier to fill out a customer survey card with a pen than an axe.

Man has cheated death 12,000 times now

Dennis Rosenlof is a man of passion. His life is routine and orderly, but by God, he is passionate about committing to his routine: a Big Mac on Monday and Wednesday, two on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday and one, perhaps a second, if it’s Friday.

This has been the Dennis Rosenlof Pattern For Success (trademark) for three decades now.

That’s right: three decades spent following this pattern and Rosenlof has not kicked the bucket. In fact, the 64 year old man actually eats less calories than most on average AND he doesn’t even have high cholesterol.

I for one welcome our new fast food eating overlord.

British fast food restaurants are apparently the worst

Fast food places in the United States can be horrible. It’s true, it’s true. Sometimes you’ll get shot, sometimes you’ll be viciously attacked by a soda cup and sometimes you’ll see a race riot appear. By the way,  that can go either way for an employee or a customer.

In the United Kingdom, it’s apparently a little different.

Over at various Burger Kings, you can possibly get slugs in your sandwiches. At least, that’s the claim by Manminber Singh. He says that he found a slug in Tendercrisp. While we’re certainly not fans of slugs around here, we don’t want to relegate them to being eaten. The cleansing power of fire is a much better place for them to be.

And over in Greater Manchester, a woman attempted to go through the drive-thru of a McDonald’s via a horse. When that didn’t work, she took the animal inside. While the smell of the animal is a bit of a problem for the customers, the Scared Straight-esque effect on the horse could be worth it.