You Missed It: Turtle head edition

Megan Fox, attempting to act her way out.
Megan Fox, attempting to act her way out.

I realize that every industry wants to have their own fake holiday, but it’s getting a bit excessive. For example, yesterday was National Cherry Pie day. Today is National Margarita Day. Far be it from me to say we shouldn’t have holidays celebrating anything booze related, but who decides these things? Did the National Association of Tequila Distillers form a coalition with Lime Farmers of America to create this? Also, if you drink margaritas in February, and you don’t live on a beach, you have a problem. If you were busy writing your acceptance speech this week, odds are you missed it.

Fox joins the turtles
Remember Michael Bay’s plan to ruin the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, now that he’s more or less finished crapping on the Transformers? Turns out it’s still very much in the works, as Bay announced this week that Megan Fox has been cast as April O’Neil, the turtles’ reporter friend. Bay said he is excited about the project, and that with the help of CGI, Fox will seem almost lifelike on screen.

Change comes slow in the South
With the recent success of Lincoln, which is up for a ton of Oscars this weekend, the 13th Amendment has been enjoying quite a bit of fame. However, the amendment, which banned slavery went without approval from Mississippi until recently. The state legislature never voted on the measure until 1995, and even then, the paperwork wasn’t filed until a professor figured it out a few weeks ago. When the state finally got its act together and ratified the 13th Amendment, they decided to break out the fire hoses just for old time’s sake.

Twitter breaks deal news yet again
It was a rough week on Twitter for a couple companies, after their accounts got hacked. First, Burger King’s account was hacked, sending out tweets that it had been sold to McDonald’s, and a day later, Jeep’s account was posting that it had been sold to Cadillac. Later in the week,  Donald Trump was hacked, too. His followers first realized that it had happened when his tweets began lacking his typical air of douchbaggery.

You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?

January:

Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

McJordan BBQ sauce may not be all that McWorth it

If you couldn’t tell, we here at SG are sports fans. We may not all agree on the best team to root for, but when it comes to the athletically talented individuals, we cheer for them (except for anyone named John Rocker). Truthfully, we can even get a little obsessed.

That said, we’re not too obsessed. And by too obsessed, I mean insane enough to buy 20 year old barbecue sauce used for a promotional fast food item at the choice price of just under 10 grand. Because let’s face it, that’d be crazy and unhealthy at an all new level.

Now excuse us while we go seek out a special, limited edition cask of Ron Burgundy scotch.

Aim higher sir, aim higher!

We all know that cops sometimes get free things. At my IHOP, if you use a coupon, you have to sign a folder that’s listed as “Coupons/Police.” They get to use the siren on their car and never have a headache. Sometimes they even get extra-sized portions of food at places. And best of all, they get to have syrup-chugging contests.

These are perks for real cops, not people that impersonate the fuzz. That said, it’s understandable for why people might want to impersonate them. So if you’re gonna go, go big, right?

Somehow, I don’t think McDonald’s qualifies as big.

Simply put, we need a better breed of criminals.

Happy meals? Try sloshed meals

In late April, McDonald’s Japan opened its largest branch in Harajuku Omotesando. The store is approximately 795 square feet and can seat up to 328 hungry customers. Very soon the restaurant will also have its very own cafe, where customers will be able to order coffee right down to the most specific of desire.

According to reports, the Harajuku Omotesando branch was designed to appeal to a more adult and trendy demographic than usual, which seems to be a recurring trend with fast food restaurants in Japan these days. The going rumor is that it will try to compete with a KFC that serves whiskey.

We at SG know the only smart way to do that: more whiskey and booze.

Welcome to the plummet of our nation

Maybe we’re not so great. Okay, the Guys are, but some states in the US may not quite be so. The latest contenders?

  • Kentucky: Where teenagers are intelligent enough to think that taking a photo of yourself stealing gas from a cop car and then posting said photo on Facebook completely nullifies the crime. SPOILERS: It doesn’t.

Go ahead and make your choice. We’ll be sitting here in the corner simpering for the future.

Jamie Oliver hates the environment, animals

McDonald’s (which is popular on the site today) has caved to British television chef, Jamie Oliver, in what is the latest salvo in his War to Waste Food.

The fast food giant pledged to stop using “pink slime,” a product of treating lean beef scraps with ammonia to render them safe for human consumption, in their hamburger patties. Which means that when the sign out front says “over 250 billion served,” they could mean the number of cows or acres of rainforest consumed by increased cattle-herding.

In the past, Mr. Oliver railed against the use of what is normally considered unusable scraps, including ground-up bone and marrow in chicken nuggets. This led to certain meat dispensaries, including Wendy’s, to start selling “all white meat” nuggets. Environmental scientists still haven’t gauged the groundwater damage caused by the increased demand for whole chickens, whose feces must be managed properly.

Meanwhile, in the factory district just outside town: Oscar Meyer hot dogs are still not made from 100 percent Kobe beef. This looks like a job for … some British TV star!

Mississippi Burning, parking lot sized

There’s some really bad song that has the lyrics “You had a bad day, something something something, you sing a sad song, something else.” This story is sort of like that.

A woman got the munchies and decided to do what  people in America do: grab something at the drive-thru from McDonald’s. So she did.

Oh, did I forget to mention that her car was on fire while doing so? Because it was.

When informed of this by the attendant, the woman pulled away from the window, parked her car, went back to the window, obtained her food and ate it by the scene. That’s the logical thing to do, right? Unfortunately, the police were called to the scene, which allegedly resulted in her punching a cop when questioning was needed.

“It wasn’t until she actually decided to swing on the officer that things went downhill for her,” says a rep for the police department.

Oh, that was where her day went bad? Only that incident? Really?