Foodies taking out endangered species

For extra flavor, harvesters hug the pangolin before punting it into the grinder.
For extra flavor, harvesters hug the pangolin before punting it into the grinder.

We knew about the usual threats to endangered animals: deforestation, industrial development and pollution, picnic baskets filled with gluten (we’ll miss Boo-boo and his allergies, too, Yogi). What we didn’t expect were foodies eating their way through the protected species list like a Brazilian steakhouse menu.

According to findings published in the Royal Society Open Science journal, humans are driving at least 300 wild mammal species to extinction because those animals are either (a) secretly delicious or (b) get a lot of Instagram “likes” as plate selfies.

Apparently, people in Asia, Africa, and Latin America are eating everything from “rats to rhinoceros, […] docile, ant-eating pangolins as well as flesh-ripping big cats” — which reminds The Guys of our favorite book, If I Ran the Zoo … if The Zoo was a pen-to-table restaurant directly across the street from the Smithsonian National Zoological Park in trendy Adams Morgan, DC.

So, way to go, foodies. Because you couldn’t just eat a normal cow burger like the rest of us, we’re winning the War on Animals.

Bacon: The tastiest weapon of all

Bacon has enjoyed a long reign. Countless memes sing its praises online, and it keeps getting added to different foods. It’s the pumpkin spice of the meat world. Here in the U.S., it kills people slowly. But did you know it can also be a more immediate weapon?

In England, an 86-year-old woman was doing some grocery shopping when, according to authorities, a younger woman stopped her and demanded her money. The old woman took a packet of bacon and struck the would-be thief, scaring her off.

We should mention that guns aren’t allowed over there, so citizens have to get creative when it comes to self-defense.

Neo-Nazis throw meat, sausages at vegans

There's no reason civilians should have access to weapons like those.
There’s no reason civilians should have access to weapons like those.

They say that America has a culture of violence. Luckily, we don’t need to worry about the kind of attacks citizens of Tbilisi, Georgia felt recently.

According to reports, the Kiwi Cafe, a vegan restaurant has hosting an English-language movie night when a group of Neo-Nazi thugs burst in and started throwing meat, sausages and fish at patrons. Vegans must not be too welcome in the nation of Georgia, because when the fight spilled out into the streets, the restaurant’s neighbors began attacking the vegans, rather than the Neo-Nazis.

The real question is if it’s vegans vs. Nazis, who do you root for?

There’s a slight chance your burger has people in it

Probably not *that* much.
Probably not *that* much.

Burgers are great. They are what make Americans so fat. But according to a new study, the burger you order may come with some extra ingredients.

A lab right here in the USA took 258 samples of hamburger from grocery stores and such, and found that in some cases, DNA from other stuff was in the meat. Three burgers tested positive for rat DNA and one had human DNA (probably from a hair or something). On top of that, two veggie burgers had traces of meat in them, and one black bean burger didn’t have any black beans in it–serves those hippies right.

Most shockingly, there was no ham detected in any hamburger.

It’s like we don’t even know our best friends anymore

Oh, sure. They'll hug us when they want it, but never when we're OK with it?
Oh, sure. They’ll hug us when they want it, but never when we’re in the mood?

We’ve all seen it happen: one day, your best friend just suddenly changes. Maybe he or she’s phoning it in at work. Or maybe your hugs just don’t have the same awkward sexual chemistry that you used to pretend doesn’t exist. We don’t know why it happens; all we do know is that we don’t even know dogs anymore.

We’re not sure when it went south, but dogs are definitely not helping us find the really good drugs like they used to. The sniffer drugs are only finding smuggled meat and cheeses at Manchester Airport in the United Kingdom. Preventing the illegal import of food part of their job, too, but you just know they’re skimming a little off the top for themselves while letting perfectly good heroin pass through.

But, not only are they slacking off on people work, we also noticed that, looking back on our old Flickr accounts, dogs don’t even like our hugs. In fact, they’re often looking uncomfortably away, perhaps at someone else whom they do want to embrace.

You’ve broken our hearts, dogs. And now you’re the enemy in the War on Animals.

You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

I will be drinking every single one of these.
I will be drinking every single one of these in the next half hour.

And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.

January

Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

You Missed It: Worth it edition

R.I.P., Ron.
R.I.P., Ron.

I’m not really a big Halloween guy. It’s not because I’m in my 30s and its a little weird for people my age to dress up in costumes. I’ve been this way at least since high school. When I was a kid, Halloween was great. I got to wear a costume of my choosing, I got tons of candy, and there were pumpkins to carve. Now it just seems like a hassle. Finding a costume is the problem. Either you make one yourself by shopping around, or you pay a ton for a crappy pre-made thing. I always look forward to the day after Halloween so I can read about all the people who wore clearly inappropriate costumes. If you were busy claiming you had sex with Prince this week, odds are you missed it.

WHO ruins everything for everyone
The World Health Organization released a report this week linking processed meats, such as ham, bacon and hot dogs, with colon and stomach cancer. A second report release found that about two-thirds of people under 50 have some form of herpes. But really, who cares? If the internet’s bacon craze is any indicator, we’re all going to die of cancer in a few years.

Racing Johnny Carson would be better
It was announced this week that Universal Studios Orlando will open a ride featuring Jimmy Fallon in 2017. The move is seen as corporate synergy at its best. The ride is supposed to be a race with the Tonight Show host through the streets of New York, but probably with less profanity than the real thing. Like the show, all the “spontaneous” moments will have been choreographed, and no one will think Fallon is funnier than he will. Just try not to fall down and hurt yourself, Jimmy.

Wrestling moves in our schools
This week, a school resource officer in South Carolina was caught on video throwing a teenage student out of her chair when she refused to leave a classroom. And a video at a school in California showed a large student fight, during which the principal is body slammed. Man, Michelle Obama’s Let Move campaign is really connecting with kids.

Tastes like ambivalence

It was smart to sample the first lab-grown burger in England, where there is no existing good food to compare it with.
It was smart to sample the first lab-grown burger in England, where there is no existing good food to compare it with.

OK, so the world’s first lab-grown hamburgers (which contain neither ham nor former Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, William Burger, but that’s important right now) were taste-tested. And the results seem to be a resounding “less horrible than we expected.”

As the Supreme Commanders of the Human Army in the War on Animals, The Guys just can’t figure out how we feel about this.

On the one hand, growing meat from cells means that we no longer have to coddle certain species of the enemy just because they eventually become steak and bacon. We can finally wipe out all animals and let the Big Grocer in the Sky sort them all out.

But, if it weren’t for animal-slaughtered meat, most people wouldn’t be on board with our cause anyway. It’s one thing to support killing chickens just for their wings because they go great with bleu cheese. It’s another, however, to kill them just for the sake of watching feathers fly out of a wood chipper.

So, even though we weren’t invited to the burger tasting, The Guys can give our official review without trying a bite: the whole thing tastes like ambivalence.

A horse is a course of horse, of horse

In the War on Animals, there are certain species that have traditionally been granted a reprieve in exchange for service. Dogs, for one, have been mistakenly classified as “man’s best friend” when we all know man’s real best friend is anyone who will bury a body for you, not just a pig ear. But, another species just can’t make the cut anymore in this day of internal combustion engines: horses.

As part of a new spending bill signed into law on Nov. 18, Congress removed a five-year-old ban on funding horse meat inspections. The USDA stated that there are no slaughterhouses for horses at this time, but it’s only a matter of time before we catch up with Mexico and Canada where they butchered 138,000 for human consumption in 2010.

Although the Guys never stopped eating horse — resorting to even glue — during the past five years, we’re glad that chili con pony is back on the menu.

Take it from Snee: The Rainbow Fridge

As a Facebook user, I see what I would normally consider bright and rational people reveal just how close we all are to succumbing to pyramid schemes and cults.

Instead of convincing our friends to buy and sell Amway products, we sell them out to marketing companies through Mafia and Farmville games. When that doesn’t work, we take quizzes and publish the results so we can all form our own Hogwarts band consisting of three Harrys, two Rons and one gender-confused Professor McGonagall.

But, there’s a sneakier, insidious cult forming on Facebook and the Internet at large: dead pet mission work. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The Rainbow Fridge