What is this, where will Apple insert it?

ANSWER: It's a Turn-of-the-Century Handy Tobacco Churn.

CNET blogger Donald Bell raises an interesting/ALARMING question about Apple’s latest patent application: is this “the missing link” to the eventual iPod brain implant?

Sure, the drawing may look like an old-timey patent circa the cotton gin or filtered cigarettes. But if you look closer (go on), it’s actually a headset MP3 player.

But that’s not all! It’s a Bluetooth headset that stores your media files, plays them like a Shuffle (same four songs, infinitum) and records voice notes and can still connect to your phone, etc.

So, it plays the same song stuck over and over in your brain, records your thoughts, operates your phone and probably undresses people you see on the street.

Sounds like our brains, only with memory.

‘Help, I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Out of Alaska!’

And this should conclude our Sarah Palin photoshops.

In the conclusion to the reality show that just won’t get off the air, The Palins, Sarah stepped down from her position as governor of Alaska.

She thanked all the media that gathered around her and had turned her into a celebrity:

“‘So how about in honor of the American soldier, you quit making up things. And don’t underestimate the wisdom of the people [named Sarah Palin].'”

The media, of course, were confused by her reference to American soldiers. Maybe that new Hurt Locker movie? The war in … Iram or whatever?

Palin and her family then stepped into a helicopter that dropped them off at their truck, which was loaded up for their move to Beverly.

Hills, that is.

BREAKING NEWS: Is Jessica Simpson fat?

It’s been a scary new year so far. Between lost jobs, foreign wars, displaced maybe-P.O.W.s, equal pay for women and Presidential action figures with kung fu grip*, we’re fairly positive that we should have aborted the 2009 baby.

But, now it’s worse: Jessica Simpson may have gotten fat. Or she might be dressing like a mother of four. Verdict’s still out.

Either way, things were merely bad before the photo on the left. Now we’re seconds away from killing ourselves to save ourselves from what will most assuredly be the worst year in American history.

We’d like to thank to media for doing their part to tell us this awful, pants-wettingly terrifying news. They’ve demonstrated the brutal honesty you could only expect out of a close friend: a close friend that wants you to drown your children as they will inherit a stinky, mom-jeans-wearing morass we once called the United States.

*Special thanks to Groonk for this link.

The McBournie Minute: Honestly, who throws shoes anymore?

We are now in the waning days of the Bush administration and it appears no one is happier about that than President George Bush himself. He’s been taking time to dance with children, crack jokes in a less-smug manner and even visit some of the places he bombed one last time.

Yet, not everyone wants to play along with Nostalgia Fest 2008: Oh, The Places We Went. In fact, some places didn’t like their visitor a good measure more than they dislike the average tourist. Bush was speaking at a press conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki when an Iraqi journalist yelled at him and threw both his shoes at him. (Video of the disturbing attack here.)

This is yet another example of the liberal media. They throw shoes at Bush and shout insults at him when they should be taking notes and asking questions in an unbiased manner. Instead, they let their personal, left-wing convictions get in the way, and once again, professionalism takes a back seat. And don’t think that’s not a huge insult he was throwing at our president. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find shoes in Iraq, much less good ones? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Honestly, who throws shoes anymore?

There’s a chaos theory joke in there somewhere

They call it Old Media for a reason. (It’s old.) It’s slow, outdated and turned into such a massive conglomeration that it can’t move as nimbly as it did in the pioneering days of David Strathairn Edward R. Murrow. Print media is going the way of the woolly mammoth. Wait–that might not be such a bad thing.

Though we’ve been talking about it for years, the media is just catching on to the whole “science could bring back the mammoth and kill us all” thing. Well, not all media, just the English, who can’t be trusted anyway.

The hard-hitting journalists of the Land of the Anglos sought to find out if it’s really worth bringing back the woolly mammoth, a species our relatives killed off for us along ago.

“It’s like asking if we could play the next World Cup on the Moon – yes, but the money needed would be unbelievable,” says Professor Barry Fuller, an expert in low-temperature science and tissue preservation at University College London. “Better to focus on conserving the animals we already have.”

Fuller, we don’t know you personally, but we don’t like you. First off, soccer is boring enough as it is. The last thing we need is for it to be played in a low-gravity setting. Think about how many balls would go out of bounds and just keep going.

Secondly, no, it’s not a good idea to conserve the animals we already have. That money would be better spent eliminating the animals we already have. It’s called the war effort, Fuller. Get with it.

A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator

No matter how exciting of a job we have, eventually it becomes mundane. There’s nothing unconscionable about becoming desensitized to, say, emergency savings withdrawals or organizing a staff potluck. But we still feel bad because that’s what we’re paid to do (read: supposed to care about).

So can you imagine how a 911 operator must feel when the honeymoon’s over? One in Memphis actually fell asleep during a robbery call. In the interest of giving the benefit of doubt, we present: A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator. Continue reading A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator