Tag: medical research

Making your cat a better lover

There are two kinds of medical research: the kind that develops cures for diseases for the betterment of humanity, and then there’s the boner meds that pay for the loftier former.

Since this is a SeriouslyGuys post, we’re addressing your Johnson & Johnson.

Researchers have discovered a spray that could prevent premature ejaculation. That’s their phrasing. Really, it’s delaying normal ejaculation, because it’s not like the premature ejaculate goes away.

The spray incorporates lidocaine and prilocaine, so when applied to the penis it should not only reduce sensitivity for longer lovemaking, but also judo board-breaking and snake wrestling. If, however, it is applied to the eyes, then ejaculation is postponed indefinitely.

Dr Ira Sharlip, clinical professor of urology at the University of California said he got the idea from training cats.

Hate your job?

So, you hate your job? Today a bad day? Want to quit, but too afraid of the job market right now? Here’s your afternoon pick-me-up:

“A vaccine to prevent HIV infection, the virus that leads to AIDS, has shown modest results for the first time.”

Oo, awesome news!

“Previous vaccine trials failed to prevent infection. And during one trial, the vaccine seemed to boost the chance of being infected, which ended testing early.”

Uh, but that’s not the case now, right?

“The new study was conducted in Thailand, with more than 16,000 people between ages 18 and 30 participating. They were all HIV negative at the beginning of the trial.”

… And?

“Nearly 8,200 received a placebo and a similar number received a combination of six vaccines over six months. All were followed for three years.”

“A placebo,” you say?

“Researchers found that those who received the vaccine combination were 31 percent less likely to contract HIV compared with those on a placebo.”

Really? Placebos don’t prevent HIV infection?

“Fifty-one people in the vaccine group eventually contracted HIV, compared with 74 in the placebo group.”

F#%k. They hired people to get AIDS. Did they inject them in the research lab, or just follow them around the streets of Bangcock while they had unprotected sex with shared needles?

But, that’s not all:

“[Colonel Jerome Kim, U.S. Army,] cautioned that a lot more research was necessary, because the vaccine did not prevent everyone from being infected.”

So, they’re still hiring! Time to quit that job and move to Thailand!