Ye Missed It: A pirate’s life for ye edition

The wind be shiftin’. Ye can see it in the sails by the yardarm, can’t ye. Aye, that be the stiff wind of Talk Like A Pirate Day. Are ye ready for tomorrow? Ye can be assured your humble captain is, tricorn hat and all. If ye were too busy gaining 30 pounds fer yer new movie, odds are ye missed it.

Condoms be fer sailors
Lancet, a British medicine journal, said climate change could be curbed by givin’ women contraceptives. The argument bein’ that if fewer wenches are having little land lubbers, there be fewer people to pollute. In related news, the Catholic Church hates the envir’nment because it says ye can’t wrap up her anchor in any lagoon.

The power o’ Christ compels ye
Speakin’ o’ Christianity, conservative Christians gathered in Washingt’n, D.C. to protest President Barack Obama’s agenda–not things he has actually done, just things he has talked about doin’. The scurvy dogs say healthcare reform be at the top o’ their list o’ grievances. Because, you know, providin’ fer those in need is not what Christianity be about.

So much fer her happy endin’
After a little over three years o’ marriage, Avril Lavigne and Sum Fahrty-One frontman Deryck Whibley are splittin’. Ye know what this means, the break in the assault on our ears be over, too. Ye can bet as soon as those Canadian bilge pumpers finish dividin’ up the dubloons, they’ll be back makin’ horrible sea shanties.