Injecting yourself with poo a bad idea, doctors warn

Folks, here’s a reminder for you: don’t inject yourself with poo, be it your own or someone else’s. We know you, dear reader, already know that, but you may want to tell your dumb friends.

Doctors are concerned about a new trend of people injecting themselves with poo. People on YouTube are blending up poo (hopefully then throwing out their blender) and giving themselves enemas. There are even web sites set up to connect donors with poo recipients.

Doctors do fecal transplants for treatment of certain illnesses, so why can’t you do it at home? Aside from being super gross, there’s no screening of the poo, so there’s a decent chance that you’re injecting yourself with microbes that can lead to serious deadly health problems.

So once again, ask your doctor if blending poo and then putting it in your own butt is right for you. Perhaps our own Dr. Snee can help.

What’s next? No cigarettes?

Look, before we overreact here, let’s get this out of the way: kids probably shouldn’t drink or do drugs. It makes them uncoordinated and dangerous while manning lawn equipment and heavy machinery.

However, is it child abuse?

Some killjoys–like Dr. Shan Yin, of the University of Colorado and the Rocky Mountain Poison and Drug Center at Denver Health–seem to think that giving your children booze, adult medications and real drugs is abuse.

But, what about kids who want to drink or abuse narcotics? It’s not like they can buy this stuff on their own. You have to be 18 just to buy compressed air and Sudafed these days.

Our Solution:
Before you hand your kid (or anyone else’s for that matter) a shot or Xanax, ask them if they really want to feel more mature than their peers and relaxed like mommy.

The McBournie Minute: Wine, women and weight

Women readers, and I mean both of you, it’s time we had a chat.

You’re getting older–everyone is–but you’re getting increasingly worried about how age could affect you and the looks you strive so hard to maintain. It’s easier for men, even in their younger years, they don’t need much upkeep, they don’t even really care if they put on a few pounds or get a little salt in their pepper. For some reason, they still look good.

Meanwhile, you ladies have to deal with a society that constantly judges you on your looks. From childhood, you were conditioned to want to look pretty, and it was reinforced when other girls would either mock you or respect you based on your appearance. Now that you’re getting older, perhaps you’re worried about gaining weight with age, not to mention childbirth. Science has a solution: alcohol. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Wine, women and weight

A brain is a terrible thing to waste

The Guys don’t recommend drinking and driving, but we do recommend drinking and getting someone else do drive you. And now, science backs us up.

According to a recent study, if you are in an accident and have head trauma, you are less likely to have brain damage if you have a buzz going. This means that you have medically provable reason to do shots riding shotgun, or on a plane, or while operating heavy machinery.

Go forth, drunken masses!

Hate your job?

So, you hate your job? Today a bad day? Want to quit, but too afraid of the job market right now? Here’s your afternoon pick-me-up:

A vaccine to prevent HIV infection, the virus that leads to AIDS, has shown modest results for the first time.”

Oo, awesome news!

“Previous vaccine trials failed to prevent infection. And during one trial, the vaccine seemed to boost the chance of being infected, which ended testing early.”

Uh, but that’s not the case now, right?

“The new study was conducted in Thailand, with more than 16,000 people between ages 18 and 30 participating. They were all HIV negative at the beginning of the trial.”

… And?

“Nearly 8,200 received a placebo and a similar number received a combination of six vaccines over six months. All were followed for three years.”

“A placebo,” you say?

“Researchers found that those who received the vaccine combination were 31 percent less likely to contract HIV compared with those on a placebo.”

Really? Placebos don’t prevent HIV infection?

“Fifty-one people in the vaccine group eventually contracted HIV, compared with 74 in the placebo group.”

F#%k. They hired people to get AIDS. Did they inject them in the research lab, or just follow them around the streets of Bangcock while they had unprotected sex with shared needles?

But, that’s not all:

“[Colonel Jerome Kim, U.S. Army,] cautioned that a lot more research was necessary, because the vaccine did not prevent everyone from being infected.”

So, they’re still hiring! Time to quit that job and move to Thailand!

Maybe old people won’t get hearing AIDS

Flicking is commonly known as "The Italian Goodbye."

Good news, everybody! Researchers have discovered antibodies that keep HIV from evolving into full-blown AIDS.

As we all know, it’s not HIV that kills a person, but the multiplication of the virus that leaves the body unable to fight other infections, like the flu or jock itch. But, you can pretty much live with HIV for the rest of your life (however long that may be).

So, good-bye fear of AIDS! Hello, shared needles!*

*Disclaimer: The Guys don’t share needles without protection. We always inject ourselves through a condom.

Take it from Dr. Snee: More like ‘healthcare retard,’ amiright?

The doctor* is in the hizz-ouse!

It’s been a while since I’ve answered questions, but your insurance coverage ran out a long time ago.

Unfortunately for my golf game, President Barack Obama is trying to push healthcare reform through–which means more questions for me–and if it passes, I might have to actually practice medicine* for once!

So, let’s get to those letters and, if we have time, a town hall meeting! Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: More like ‘healthcare retard,’ amiright?

I don’t need a therapist, I need a Game Boy!

When I was in high school, I was in a car accident I luckily walked away from, yet I was still haunted by flashbacks hours later. Turns out this is a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. If only I had known about the medicinal wonders of Tetris.

Oxford University researchers who apparently have a lot of free time on their hands are saying the video game Tetris can help fight PTSD and memories of traumatic incidents if played shortly afterward. It could be used to help people involved in accidents (assuming they can use their fingers) and soldiers returning from war (same caveat).

We firmly believe there is another, older way of dealing with traumatic incidents.

Ask Dr. Snee: Birth Control to the Future

Dear Dr. Snee,

I keep seeing these weird commercials for ladies’ birth control that looks like a little plastic tree that goes in their vagina? How the hell does that work? It won’t plug my peehole, right?


You’re talking about the Mirena IUD. No, it won’t plug your “peehole,” or urethra, when you’re “plowing” all those “MILFs.” Actually, they should be called MYLFs, because maybe you’d like to “fornicate” them, but Elvis and I agree: doing a mother is wrong, especially the mother of your children.

As to how it works, this is a closely-guarded medical secret, which is why I’m going to tell you and the millions who read this serious medical advice column: time travel. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Birth Control to the Future

How To: Babysit young children

Our more dedicated readers are probably thinking, “but Guys, didn’t you cover this topic when you told us How To: Raise your kids?”

Well, dear reader, the answer is no. (By the way, nice job on hyperlinking in your thoughts!) Raising kids and babysitting them is totally different. Why? Because you get paid for it, and you really aren’t liable if anything happens to them in the first place. Odds are you will have to take care of your sibling’s kids, your neighbor’s kids, or even (gasp) your boss’ kids at least once in your adult life. Long gone are the days of high school side job. That was a great racket, wasn’t it? The rules have changed, so SeriouslyGuys presents how to babysit young children.

Continue reading How To: Babysit young children