Your male doctor is trying to kill you

We’re waiting for someone to greenlight our new medical procedural, Dr. Mansplain, OB/GYN. A new patient every week … because they always die.

An analysis of more than one million Medicare patients’ care revealed that not only do women doctors achieve better treatment outcomes for elderly patients, but “that approximately 32,000 fewer patients would die if male physicians could achieve the same outcomes as female physicians every year.”

So, take a good look at your doctor. Are they rugged? Chisel-featured? Do they have a lower voice and a penis? Then you could do better, friend. Especially since part of the problem may be that your macho physician is “mansplain-ing” your symptoms and treatment options away rather than communicate, properly diagnose you and develop a treatment plan that addresses all of your needs.

Unfortunately, you’re less likely to find a doctor who isn’t a dude-bro. Only one-third of practicing doctors are ladies — which makes male doctor’s death rates look even worse.

No, our only choice is to geld our doctors until more women take over our hospitals. It’s either Dr. Sexy or Grandpa — your choice, America.

Don’t fart near lasers

That makes the scene in Entrapment even more tense.
That makes the scene in Entrapment even more tense.

When you undergo surgery, you’re typically not allowed to eat for about a day ahead of time. Doctors say they want your system to be clear when you go under the knife, but it turns out that means more than you think.

In Japan, investigators have blamed a woman’s fart for causing a fire during surgery. Back in April, the doctors were using a laser to operate on the woman’s cervix, when according to the report, the patient farted and the gas was ignited by the laser beam.

So if you’re going to cheat on your fasting rule before surgery, stay away from the burritos.

Science: Doing it is key to heart health

If you want to keep your heart healthy, you should be having sex more often, according to researchers.

Prospective cardiologist Johannes Hinrich von Borste has reviewed the data, and found that the having of the sex helps lower blood pressure. In part, because it’s a workout, but also because of the chemicals your brain releases. Von Borste also recommends eating raw garlic daily to keep your heart healthy, but doesn’t mention how you’re supposed to be knocking boots more if you have the garlic burps.

Not that The Guys have any trouble, amiright? High five!

Hops can make you thin, science says

One day, beer will help you lose weight. We live in the midst of a craft beer renaissance. It seems like every day there is a report of a new brewery opening up nearby. Americans are in love with craft beer, so it shouldn’t be long before a beer can make you thin.

Scientists have found that xanthohumol, which is found in hops, can aid in weight loss. According to a recent study, the compound can help you lose weight, but you’d need to drink 3,500 pints per day to feel the effects. We’re guessing at that point the benefits of xanthohumol would be outweighed by the health effects of drinking a brewery dry. The hope is that one day science can make this stuff into capsules or something as a weight loss supplement. The Guys are waiting for a clever brewer to pack as much xantho–whatever, we’re drunk–into a beer to make it a viable solution.

Unless you’re Rick Snee, you like hoppy beers, so there’s hope for you. This is why Rick is so fat.

Pharmacy gives kids bipolar medicine for Halloween

Did you know that they celebrate Halloween in Canada, too? It’s true. And unlike their so-called “Thanksgiving,” they celebrate Halloween on Oct. 31, just to be more like America.

One big difference is that they give out candy at pharmacies. That’s how trick-or-treaters were accidentally treated to some bipolar medicine. Authorities in Quebec City say a woman picked up some bipolar medicine for her son, but dropped it at the pharmacy. Another customer saw it and put it next to a candy jar. Somehow, an employee put the pills in with the candy.

Just another benefit of free health care.

The McBournie Minute: Drinking the cola

Late last week, a blog post about drinking soda went viral. I don’t know how Facebook curates its tending news stories list, but for some reason, the site thought I’d be interested in reading about it. Normally, I avoid blog posts about nutrition, weight loss and stuff like that, because they’re all written by kooks with clear agendas. There’s no reason to believe unsupported health claims made by someone writing for something like Vegan Heroes Against GMO than if they were writing about how Obama is the devil for Libertarian Tea Party Bald Eagles United.

But typically stories like that are posted by the friends you avoid having conversations with for good reason. This one was in that Facebook news feed thing, which doesn’t mean it’s more credible, but it at least means a lot of people are reading it, so I decided to check it out.

Hoo boy, was it informative. Let’s break this one down. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Drinking the cola

Apparently doctors shouldn’t sext during surgery

Today, the most effective workers are the ones who don’t multitask, and instead focus on one task at a time. Nowhere is this more important than during surgery.

According to a recent report, an anesthesiologist in Seattle was suspended for sexting during surgery, and it happened more than once. Also, he was sexting a patient, but we think it wasn’t the one under the knife at that time, that would just be rude.

Remember folks, if you’re doing two things at once, you’re doing neither correctly.

Fight dementia with beer today

Drinking is good for you. And if you drink, there’s a good chance you’ll remember that fact long into your old age.

According to researchers in China, a chemical in beer helps ward off degenerative diseases. A study found that xanthohumol, a chemical found in hops, might help brain cells from oxidative stress that can lead to dementia. That means that while you may not remember how many beers you had last night, there’s a better chance you’ll remember your grandchildren’s names later in life.

And yet our own Rick Snee doesn’t like hoppy beers. So if he starts posting jokes from 2008, just roll with it.

Bar closed for dogs, Petco says

People who have dogs accept many things. They accept that they will never sleep well ever again, they accept that their furniture is going to get torn up, and they accept that they can’t just leave town whenever they want. But they don’t accept dealing with hyper dogs.

That’s why dog owners bought Good Dog Pet Calming Supplement at Petco. Well, they used to, anyway. Petco has pulled the product off its shelves after the homeopathic medicine was found to contain 13% alcohol by volume.

Owners said they first suspected there was booze in it when after one dose, the dogs would start rambling about what a bitch their old lady was.

Men: Have you had your pap smear?

If you’re a man in America, we’ve got great news: your gynecologist will see you now.

For decades, American men have gone without getting their paps smeared and their oil changed at the gynecologist–all because of sexist rules that said these doctors could only treat women. Those dark days are over, men. The American Board of Obstetrics and Gynecology has loosened up its old rules, allowing gynecologists, regardless of sex, to treat men.

Finally, the Guys will know once and for all if we have ovarian cancer.