The internet trolls are right, men today just aren’t as manly as they used to be. But it’s not how they think it is. Turns out we don’t have as many swimmers.
Between 1973 and 2011, men’s sperm counts have dropped by more than half, according to a new study. That means that you’re not as potent as hairy, mustachioed men of the early 70s. But it’s not something that’s happening to men worldwide, it’s only men in western countries that have fewer sperm. Researchers think it’s related to weight, lack of exercise and smoking.
That’s not fair. Men in the 70s used cocaine to stay thin, the only exercise was disco dancing and everyone smoked.
So, take a good look at your doctor. Are they rugged? Chisel-featured? Do they have a lower voice and a penis? Then you could do better, friend. Especially since part of the problem may be that your macho physician is “mansplain-ing” your symptoms and treatment options away rather than communicate, properly diagnose you and develop a treatment plan that addresses all of your needs.
Unfortunately, you’re less likely to find a doctor who isn’t a dude-bro. Only one-third of practicing doctors are ladies — which makes male doctor’s death rates look even worse.
No, our only choice is to geld our doctors until more women take over our hospitals. It’s either Dr. Sexy or Grandpa — your choice, America.
As it turns out, guys are way more likely to do morally wrong stuff for money than women are.
According to a recent poll, men are three times more likely than women to do things they wouldn’t normally do, like perform a sex act on a stranger, murder someone, or kick a kitten, for $1 million or $1 billion. Pretty much every guy you know is a sociopath at some level. The poll wasn’t really scientific, but if it feels accurate, that’s science-y enough, right?
We’re not saying that’s why men make more than women, but we can’t reasonably rule it out.
Look at you. You’re reading stupid blogs to kill time at work. You’ve spent years of your life doing the same tasks day-in and day-out with hardly any recognition. There’s no promotion in sight, you handsome devil, you.
According to researchers in the U.S. and the U.K., good-looking men are often passed over for promotions and other competitive roles in the workplace because less attractive men see them as a threat. You see, men in power don’t want good looking men under them to advance, because they believe the hunk will show them up.
So sit back, take another sip of coffee, and get back to playing solitaire. You can rest easy knowing that your boss envies your good looks.
Guys are just … not good at meeting and impressing women. Maybe because we’re not friends with a lot of women, we’ve developed some bizarre ideas about what women are, much less what they’re looking for in a man. That’s how we’ve mistakenly latched onto fashion trends like mustaches and skinny jeans — because nobody polled women. (And now none of us are polling women. Thanks a lot, Banana Republic.)
That’s why it’s no surprise that men took the old wives tale (after all, old wives were once MILFs and, before that, regular chicks) that the fastest way to our hearts is through our stomachs and applied the transitive property to it. Therefore, if the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach (A to B), then through our stomach is the fastest way to a woman’s heart (B to C).
What was really surprising, though, is that men eat 86 percent more salad with women than with other men. We were pretty sure that would be at least 100 percent more with women since male salad-eating just does not happen otherwise.
Also surprising? That the human species is still overpopulating the planet.
According to the U.S. economic system, capitalism, there is only one god: market forces. If a business succeeds, it means that the almighty consumer has chosen it (praised be their spending). So it might surprise women that, despite now outnumbering men in the office, they still don’t get to touch the thermostat at work.
Naturally, the response on social media was to blame sexism. (Racism and transphobia charges are still pending, but you can bet your ass there’s somebody on Tumblr arguing it right now.) And, while it does seem sexist to tell women who are cold in the workplace that maybe they should suck it up and put on a sweater, there are actually larger factors at play here that negatively affect both men and women in the workplace.
If we don’t reach $3000, that’s fine. I’m grateful just to raise anything, whether it’s a dollar or just some awareness. But, I’d hate for you to miss an opportunity to participate in an event that makes a difference for a lot of men and their families.
The Guys like to think of ourselves as debonair masters of seduction. Which is why we’re kind of surprised that our sexy voices don’t work. That’s according to some alleged research by psychologists at Albright College.
In the experiment, 20 men and 20 women tried their sexy voices — you know: deeper, smokier, less-Jerry Lewis-y (but not by that much) — on an audience of 40 people. And, according to those 40 people, men just couldn’t summon sexy if sexy were a rabid dingo and they were wearing a suit made of babies. “In fact,” said study author Susan Hughes, “although not significantly, it got a bit worse when men tried to sound sexy.”
But, we’re not feeling daunted. Perhaps it works for The Guys because we’re too sexy looking, so using ineffectual sexy talk makes us more accessible, sort of like Anne Hathaway’s … everything.
If you’re a man in America, we’ve got great news: your gynecologist will see you now.
For decades, American men have gone without getting their paps smeared and their oil changed at the gynecologist–all because of sexist rules that said these doctors could only treat women. Those dark days are over, men. The American Board of Obstetrics and Gynecology has loosened up its old rules, allowing gynecologists, regardless of sex, to treat men.
Finally, the Guys will know once and for all if we have ovarian cancer.
Women are sexy, and men are affected by this on a daily basis. They are more susceptible to suggestion and overall more malleable under a woman’s power. That’s why The Guys have a daily regimen of minocycline.
A study in Japan has shown that the acne antibiotic minocycline can help protect a man’s brain from the clutches of pretty ladies. Researchers found that in a trust game involving money, men who were given a placebo were more likely to trust attractive women, and with more money than less attractive women. Men who took minocycline were far less likely to trust women based on their physical appearance.
In other words, there’s a drug that can keep you from falling prey to trifling women.