You Missed It: Boss’ wife edition

Bill Clinton's weakness used to be women. Now it's large balloons.
Bill Clinton’s weakness used to be women. Now it’s large balloons.

John Hinckley Jr., the guy who shot President Ronald Reagan to impress Jodie Foster, is going to stay with his mother. People are outraged over this and I don’t understand it. The guy has been in psychiatric care for longer than I’ve been alive. Since 1981 he’s been under the constant care of doctors. Doctors are supposed to help people. Apparently he’s been helped enough that he can live with his mother, who has to be ancient, for her remaining years. Where are the mental health advocates on this? He hasn’t been convicted of any crime. Let him go home finally, and keep an eye on him. If you were busy making people forget about Jeremy Renner this week, odds are you missed it.

Woman up for man’s job
This week, the Democrats nominated Hillary Clinton for president–the first woman to ever get the nomination from a major party. So let that be a lesson to all you young ladies out there, if you work hard, believe in yourself, and have your friends rig the system, you too can run the country someday. It’s about time women caught on to the winning game plan white men have been using for thousands of years.

Olympic athletes greeted with rivers of poo
Athletes arriving in Rio de Janeiro for the Summer Olympics have reported sub-par living conditions in the Olympic village. The buildings are suffering from gas leaks, power outages, fires, mold and plumbing problems. The Australian committee called the buildings uninhabitable, and an Argentinian official suspected sabotage. Brazilian officials said the buildings are fine, and are meant to help the athletes feel like they’re really living in Rio.

Sesame spoiler alert
Sesame Street is losing three of its long-time cast members after 45 years. HBO revealed that Bob, Gordon and Luis will not be returning to the beloved children’s show. It was revealed that next season Bob will be eaten by dragons, Gordon will have his head exploded during a trial by combat, and Luis will be shot and stabbed during his own wedding.

Science: You’re doomed to marry someone with the same issues

If you’re reading this at home, take a good hard look at your significant other. Think about all of their flaws. Are they emotionally stable? Do they have some characteristics that make them seem crazy to people who don’t know them like you do? You might be looking in the mirror.

According to a new analysis of the psychiatric profiles of over 700,000 people, if you’ve got a mental disorder, there’s a good chance you will end up with someone who has the same deal. If you’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, autism spectrum disorder, anorexia nervosa, substance abuse, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, major depressive disorder, social phobia, agoraphobia, and generalized anxiety disorder, your partner probably has, too.

So give up all hope. Even if you are able to manage or overcome your disorder, you’re doomed to deal with your significant other’s. Maybe being the same kind of crazy is the secret to happiness.

Seniors active in the bedroom also active mentally, science says

It turns out that having sex when you’re older can help you fight off dementia, according to a recent study. (We know thinking about old people and sex isn’t a great way to hook you, but this information could come in handy years from now, so read on.)

According to researchers Coventry University in the U.K., people surveyed 50 and 89 who had sex regularly tended to have better cognitive function. In all, more than 6,800 people were surveyed on their sex lives, and given simple memory tests. Both men and women who were sexually active did better on the tests. It’s the strongest evidence yet that you should buy your grandfather the hooker he’s been asking for.

“Science says you have to bang me if you want me to remember you in the morning,” is now an acceptable and true line for you to use when you’re over 50. And there’s nothing wrong with preventative measures if you’re younger.

Your local bar improves your quality of life, study finds

Drinking alone can be fun, you don’t have anyone to judge you, you can do whatever you want while you drink, and there aren’t any jerks to deal with like at your local watering hole. But drinking alone isn’t a good habit to fall into. Fortunately, science is here to encourage you to go to the bar.

According to researchers at Oxford University, having a local pub to hang out at generally makes you happier. It’s amazing what science can teach us today. It turns out that social interaction, like that you can find at your local hole-in-the-wall, makes you feel more satisfied with your life. And the drinks almost certainly help that.

This makes sense, since we learned recently that drinking with your friends can help stave off Alzheimer’s. So go out tonight and have some drinks with those guys you know, the life you save could be your own.

Take it from Snee: Looking for admirable men and women this Movember

We want you!
We want you (to help paddle this boat)!

As we wrap up October Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I hope it’s been productive and that we’ve all contributed to helping people with a disease that affects a large portion of our population. The amount of pink and fundraising events is breathtaking, and I can understand why, after a whole month of it, we might all be ready for a break.

Well, I need you to refocus — briefly for now, but chiefly in November — on a whole other cause, one that affects men as much as breast cancer effects women: Movember.

Regular readers are aware that I participate in Movember every year to raise money that helps treat and make life all-around better for men affected by prostate cancer, testicular cancer and mental illness. Combined, those three kill more men than nearly any other natural factor besides lung cancer and heart disease. To raise money needed for research, quality of life programs and awareness campaigns, I grow a mustache and update you on my progress and exchange weirdness and fun in return for donations.

And thanks to people like my family and you, my friends, I’ve been able to raise over $3000 for the Movember Foundation, Livestrong and the Prostate Cancer Foundation.

But, what if we could do that in one year instead of four? To do that, I need a team of admirable men and women willing to pledge a month towards looking silly, getting fit and having some wild parties. If that sounds like a fun way to spend your November, then you are exactly the kind of person who belongs in The Admirals ClubContinue reading Take it from Snee: Looking for admirable men and women this Movember

Drink with a buddy — for your health

It’s Thursday, and if you haven’t had a beer yet, you probably have a job, because it’s not even noon. However, you’re probably planning on going out from a drink after work, because nothing helps you finish the week strong like a good hangover.

Researchers at the Medical Research Council in Scotland found that men who went to pubs to socialize and drink reported a better mental well-being. The study, which was called Drinking Attitudes in Midlife, or DrAM, (we didn’t make that up, Scottish scientists are just more fun) studied men 30 to 50, and found that the drunken, social atmosphere allowed the Scotsmen to open up about their feelings, and then likely drink them down with some soccer chant nonsense.

If it’s good enough for the Scots, it’s good enough for you, America. Grab a friend and go to the bar — before it’s too late.

Chug your coffee right now, thank us later

Coffee is pretty awesome. It’s definitely not as awesome as booze, but it’s up there. And it goes great with water the morning of your hangover. Now it turns out that coffee just might keep you from killing yourself.

We already knew that coffee could keep you from dying of cancer, but now researchers at Harvard University found in a study that adults who drank two to four cups of caffeinated coffee per day were 50% less likely to commit suicide than their friends who don’t drink coffee (the preachy ones), drink fewer than two cups per day (the lightweights) or drank decaffeinated coffee (the quitters).

We’ve said it for years (on the inside)

And it's only been two weeks.For years, we’ve said over and over again that it’s not sex that screws up young people, it’s the relationships they get into to “make it right.”

Researchers at the University of Minnesota surveyed 1300 young adults between the ages of 18 and 24 “about their most recent sexual encounters, their self-esteem and their emotional well-being.” The overall status of people who listed their last experience as casual was no different than those in a committed relationship with their partner.

No different.

This makes perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to convince the person your with that you’re not a total scumbag? For a casual hook-up, that masquerade only lasts for a night, which doesn’t count comatose hours. But, stretch that act out over time, and by the end of three months, you don’t know who you are anymore. All that method acting has left you more confused and self-loathing than Robert Downey, Jr. at the end of Tropic Thunder.

So, keep it casual. Your brain will thank you.