Canada way ahead of U.S. in meth cooking education

“I am the one who politely knocks.”

Canada is our neighbor to the north, if you believe what the dishonest media says. And it’s no secret that the Canadian education system beats ours in a lot of different ways. They even teach their kids to learn a trade by giving them instructions for cooking drugs.

In Ontario, a teacher has found herself suspended after she assigned homework that included instructions on how to cook and inject crystal meth. The drama teacher reportedly printed out instructions, which included ingredients, for meth, so that her students could create a skit about it.

There have been no reports as to how good the recipe is.

Baltimore fish are on meth

The U.S. is struggling with addiction to hard drugs like meth. It’s a serious problem in society, and one we need to take seriously, but it’s comforting to know that our enemies face the same challenges.

According to a recent study, aquatic life in Baltimore is exposed to drugs like meth. There’s so much of the drug in the city, that enough of it makes its way into the local streams and rivers in large enough quantities to mess with the animals in the water. This is good news, because if the animals are too busy dealing with drugs, they won’t be able to coordinate attack on us.

But this also means that citizens of Baltimore need to watch for meth-addled fish mugging them for drug money.

Krispy Kreme glaze looks a lot like meth, cops say

Be careful the next time you grab some doughnuts, it could land you in jail.

In Orlando, Florida, a 64-year-old man was pulled over and charged with possession of methamphetamine. Turned out to just be some glaze left over from a Krispy Kreme doughnut. At the time, cops thought it was a crystal, and some field tests found there was residue of illegal substances on the car’s dashboard. Weeks later, lab tests found there was nothing illicit at all. The only thing he was guilty of was a bi-weekly Krispy Kreme habit.,

So let the news go far and wide: Krispy Kreme puts meth in their doughnuts.

You Missed It: Tiny spaces edition

The government says you can just use a toothpick after eating this.
The government says you can just use a toothpick after eating this.

The 2016 Rio Olympics are finally here, and it’s going to be a literal s&%$ show. From the toxic water, to the incomplete facilities and the guest appearance of the Zika virus, this just isn’t looking good. Given what we’ve seen so far, I will be shocked if we don’t see some sort of major security or public health issue arise as a result of these games. Maybe we need to stop doing this, or just having them in the same place every time. If you were busy picking a fight with a baby this week, odds are you missed it.

Obama administration’s greatest accomplishment
This week, a bombshell of a story was released, finding that for the first time since 1979, the federal government’s dietary guidelines did not include flossing your teeth. The government acknowledged that there was no scientific evidence that flossing daily made a significant impact on one’s oral health. So that thing you never did in the first place? Keep on not doing it.

Dr. Moreau’s funding restored
The National Institutes of Health this week lifted its ban on funding experiments creating part-human, part-animal embryos. This is great news, because I was having a lot of trouble creating my army of centaurs with my own measly funds.

Virginia is for lovers of meth
The mayor of Fairfax, Virginia was arrested this week after authorities said he tried to give an undercover police officer methamphetamine in exchange for sex. That mayor’s name: Rob Ford.,

Study: Banning booze means more meth

Moonshine and meth are new the Appalachian peanut butter and jelly.
Moonshine and meth are new the Appalachian peanut butter and jelly.

In the U.S., we learned long ago that if you ban something society has enjoyed for centuries, you’re going to create a black market for it. Even though Prohibition is long dead, there are many counties out there that still ban the sale of booze within their borders. That’s bad news for them, because it means meth.

According to a study from the University of Louisville, dry counties tend to have more meth labs than areas that sell booze legally. The researchers believe that this is no accident, rather, without alcohol sold in the area, the prices of illicit drugs are lower, and meth is one of the lowest.

Of course, this could also mean that people making meth in dry counties are just worse at hiding their operations, and get caught all the time.

What the smurf ‘smurfing’ means

"We cook my way this time, Jesse Smurf. Or I walk."
“We cook my way this time, Jesse Smurf. Or I walk.”

At long last — after 55 smurfing years of Smurf comics, cartoons and dolls — we finally know what the smurf those smurfing Smurfs were smurfing about.

Thanks to a recent anti-meth campaign in Missouri, we’ve learned that “smurfing” means “to buy the legal limit of pseudoephedrine-based products and sell them to meth cookers.”

‘With the anti-smurfing campaign, Missouri leaders are coming together … to send an unmistakable message: If you’re buying this product for a meth cook, you are committing a serious criminal offense and could end up behind bars,’ [Missouri Attorney General Chris] Koster said.

And we all know what happens next after locking Smurfs up behind bars: they’re melted into gold for our privatized prison system. Things are looking up for Warden Gargamel, indeed. But they’re also looking much, much darker for Smurfette, who’s doing smurf-knows-what for her meth.

It’s not a celebration until you level your house

Ever wonder what people do when they win the lottery? Turns out they do exactly what you think they will — plus blow up their house.

In Kansas, two brothers won $75,000 from the lottery and decided to celebrate by buying some crystal meth and marijuana. Apparently, during their party session, one of the brothers went to refill a butane lighter for their bongs and ended up leaking a significant amount of it into the air. All that gas found its way to the furnace pilot light, and suddenly, the lucky brothers didn’t have that pesky house to worry about anymore.

The one brother was taken to the hospital, wearing his lottery T-shirt, and treated for burns, while the other was uninjured and simply surrendered to authorities.

You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?

January:

Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

Eating these Snickers bars will really make you become Batman

My parents recently got back from Europe, and when I went to visit them this past weekend, I was given oodles of strange and oddly worded candy-bars. This was a particular bit of joy for me because I find any bit of candy not found in the United States of America to be of high interest. I don’t think I’m the only person on this gigantic planet to have this specific character trait.

However, I don’t think it builds good relations to have Japanese people think that the American Snickers bar is nothing more than a chocolate-covered bar of meth.

Customs agents at LAX apparently feel the same way.

Some methy business

The 2001 national Sheriff of the Year, Patrick Sullivan, has plead guilty to trading meth for sex and will serve 38 days in the Arapahoe County, Colo., jail bearing his own name.

The only setting more ironic is The Guys’ screenplay where a time-traveling teenage Ronald Reagan is forced by 2012 truancy laws to attend a high school named after him. (He plays a minor role in the school play and ends up elected senior class president.)