You Missed It: Too much spice edition

Spicer will return to his natural habitat, the White House bushes.

It’s the dog days of summer. I don’t really know what that phrase means, sort of like “the ides of March.” Anyway, there is such a thing as the dog days of summer, and this is it. And usually there’s not a ton of news out there. But that’s certainly not the case this week. If you were busy being accused of holding women captive in a cult-like atmosphere this week, odds are you missed it.

Spice put on ice
This week, Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.

Clovis culture
President Donald Trump this week nominated climate change denier Sam Clovis to the USDA’s top science position. “Hooray,” cheered cows across the country, whose farts represent the largest U.S. emissions of the greenhouse gas methane.

Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.

Our climate is wallaby darned

Thanks a lot for promoting pseudoscience and your pro-kangaroo agenda, Hollyweird.
Thanks a lot for promoting pseudoscience and your pro-kangaroo agenda, Hollyweird.

The next time that friend who always makes your eyes roll goes on and on about how kangaroo farts are somehow good for us, tell ’em to choke on it.

Yeah, contrary to what well-meaning kangaroo-huffers have been telling us, kangaroo farts are no safer than cow farts. Given the same amount of food, those giant, hopping rats produce the same amount of methane, so we might as well all go back to sucking farts out of cows for our highs.

Next up from science: girls do fart, and it’s worse because periods.

Your pumpkin is causing icebergs to melt

It’s nearly Halloween, and across the country, Americans are carving their gourds into geeky things in hopes of going viral for an hour, while others just draw a face and leave it at that. If you have a pumpkin, congratulations, you’re ruining the environment.

According to a report from the Department of Energy, pumpkins are making climate change worse. An estimated 1.3 billion pounds of rotting pumpkin meat will end up in U.S. landfills this year. And while making our landfills into big pumpkin pies might sound like fun, it turns out that all that rotting flesh is letting off methane as it disintegrates. And methane is a greenhouse gas.

Couple that with all of the smoke coming off of that little candle inside your jack-o-lantern, and you’ve got a climate change bomb, just as the devil wanted.

Gas problems at the burrito factory

Ever get one of those Evol frozen burritos at your grocery store? You’re not the only one with gas problems.

The Evol Foods building in Colorado had to be evacuated because of a gas leak. Surprisingly, though, it wasn’t a high concentration of fart-related gasses like methane that sickened workers, it was carbon monoxide. Authorities believe that the gas was caused by charging batteries, or it came from Larry, who reported the problem, because he who smelt it dealt it.

Sheep farts are ruining the planet

The world is a dangerous place, as this blog is fond of reminding you. And while so-called scientists may tell you that one of the biggest dangers to the world in general are humans and the emissions we produce. There’s another threat out there folks: sheep farts.

A federal study of sheep genomes found exactly what makes a sheep produce so much methane, which is a greenhouse gas, and also very smelly. Researchers now believe that we can create low-emissions sheep.

Perhaps we should take the more fiscally responsible route to solving this problem by wiping sheep from the face of the Earth.

German cows light their farts on fire

It is our sad duty to inform you all that there has been an explosion in Germany, and it appears to have been caused by animals.

Officials say methane gas from the farts of 90 cows caused a shed to explode in the town of Rasdorf. The roof was damaged, but no humans were hurt. One cow was treated for burns. Does it seem to anyone else like between the cows and the pigs, our livestock are learning how to kill us?

This is exactly why we need to invent low-emission cows.

Fart-less cows may save us from climate change

It turns out that cows are killing us by doing more than just clogging our arteries. They are also farting us into climate change, no doubt betting that we will starve when our crops dry out. Nice try, cows.

Scientists are working on a breed of cow that releases less methane, a greenhouse gas found in farts. About a fifth of all greenhouse gas emissions come from livestock, which is why it’s important that we continue eating them — and not drinking milk. But with a low-emission cow, their assault on us may be over for good.

If you’re one of those foil hat people, just replace “climate change” with “something else to blame Obama for.”