It’s the dog days of summer. I don’t really know what that phrase means, sort of like “the ides of March.” Anyway, there is such a thing as the dog days of summer, and this is it. And usually there’s not a ton of news out there. But that’s certainly not the case this week. If you were busy being accused of holding women captive in a cult-like atmosphere this week, odds are you missed it.
Spice put on ice
This week, Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.
President Donald Trump this week nominated climate change denier Sam Clovis to the USDA’s top science position. “Hooray,” cheered cows across the country, whose farts represent the largest U.S. emissions of the greenhouse gas methane.
Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.
The next time that friend who always makes your eyes roll goes on and on about how kangaroo farts are somehow good for us, tell ’em to choke on it.
Yeah, contrary to what well-meaning kangaroo-huffers have been telling us, kangaroo farts are no safer than cow farts. Given the same amount of food, those giant, hopping rats produce the same amount of methane, so we might as well all go back to sucking farts out of cows for our highs.
Next up from science: girls do fart, and it’s worse because periods.
It’s nearly Halloween, and across the country, Americans are carving their gourds into geeky things in hopes of going viral for an hour, while others just draw a face and leave it at that. If you have a pumpkin, congratulations, you’re ruining the environment.
According to a report from the Department of Energy, pumpkins are making climate change worse. An estimated 1.3 billion pounds of rotting pumpkin meat will end up in U.S. landfills this year. And while making our landfills into big pumpkin pies might sound like fun, it turns out that all that rotting flesh is letting off methane as it disintegrates. And methane is a greenhouse gas.
Couple that with all of the smoke coming off of that little candle inside your jack-o-lantern, and you’ve got a climate change bomb, just as the devil wanted.
Ever get one of those Evol frozen burritos at your grocery store? You’re not the only one with gas problems.
The Evol Foods building in Colorado had to be evacuated because of a gas leak. Surprisingly, though, it wasn’t a high concentration of fart-related gasses like methane that sickened workers, it was carbon monoxide. Authorities believe that the gas was caused by charging batteries, or it came from Larry, who reported the problem, because he who smelt it dealt it.
The world is a dangerous place, as this blog is fond of reminding you. And while so-called scientists may tell you that one of the biggest dangers to the world in general are humans and the emissions we produce. There’s another threat out there folks: sheep farts.
It turns out that cows are killing us by doing more than just clogging our arteries. They are also farting us into climate change, no doubt betting that we will starve when our crops dry out. Nice try, cows.