The Navy’s trained dolphins are going to be deployed for a purpose completely contrary to our interests. They will find and protect the last of an endangered species of porpoises. The Navy has offered to help Mexican researchers find their vaquita porpoises in a conservation effort. That means that we’re so close to finishing off these things, and our own military wants to aid a foreign enemy.
Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading →
The robots may not be strong enough to overtake us yet, but they can taunt us. It should come as no surprise that it will be Uber that does us in.
Drivers stuck in traffic in Mexico City probably aren’t in the best of moods in the first place. Now they have to deal with drones buzzing around their cars making fun of them. The drones carry signs shaming drivers for driving, and driving alone, at that.
This seems like a good reason for Mexico City drivers to carry guns with them, in case they aren’t already.
There are few live events that are as predictable as the State of the Union address. The president comes in, says a bunch of things that probably aren’t going to happen, and the members of Congress in his party stand and clap every now and then. But we all watch it. It’s one of the few things we all still have in common. Some watch it to see what the next great meme will be, others watch it because they’re playing a drinking game, and a few may even watch it to be inspired. It’s the same reason why we watch the Super Bowl. If you were busy waiting in line for Powerball ticket this week, odds are you missed it.
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
This week, the armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a new video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin–and this is true–sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns.
Big year for white guys
The nominations for the 2016 Oscars were announced this week, and the selections were met with criticism. The nominees are almost exclusively white men, which is good, because we need to remind people who really runs things every now and then.
Smuggling isn’t as cool as it once was. In the 1920s, smuggling in booze was a cool and respected job. Now, it doesn’t really matter. We can’t even feel cool smuggling in Cuban cigars anymore. (Thanks, Obama.)
But smuggling in drugs can be at least entertaining when they get busted. Earlier this week, U.S. Border Patrol agents discovered a ton of marijuana being smuggled from Mexico in a truck. The pot was being shipped in containers made to look like hundreds and hundreds of carrots. Nice try, drug smugglers, everyone knows Americans don’t eat carrots. Maybe you should make fake cheeseburgers.
We spend millions on airport security, and things still happen. It’s no secret that there are gaps in our security, and the animals know this.
That’s probably why they snuck a scorpion on to a flight in Los Angeles. Alaska Airlines flight 567 originated in Mexico, and was about to take off at LAX bound for Oregon, when a scorpion stung a passenger. The incident cause the flight to head back to the gate so that the woman could get medical treatment.
She lived, but untold numbers of people’s days were messed up as a result. You win this time, scorpion.
We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.
At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.
Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.
In case you’re not sick of him already Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading →
We were all shocked at the news that broke today. It’s been years since this person left, and since then, there’s been bitterness on the part of the fans, and moderate success on the part of the individual. But after all that has happened, it’s time for forgiveness. We can now all be excited because Rosie O’Donnell is returning to The View! If you were busy celebrating the return of a guy you’ve hated for years, odds are you missed it.
That’s the way the cupcake crumbles
This week, Crumbs Bake Shop closed its doors suddenly, even to the surprise of its won employees. The chain had 14 stores throughout the U.S., and was known for being a go-to place when you forgot your coworker’s birthday. Naturally, the country has been in upheaval since the announcement. You can take away their pensions, you can charge them more for health care and you can track their every movement online, but take away Americans’ cupcakes and there will be hell to pay.
Has anyone seen my vial of smallpox?
If you work at the Food and Drug Administration, you probably feel like you can walk around your office as free and clear from illnesses as any workplace in the world–until recently, that is. It was announced this week that during the transfer of lab equipment to another facility, workers found vials of smallpox sitting in an unused storage closet. The vials date back to the 1950s, which means they were sitting there for the better part of a century. Still think you don’t need to get your grown child vaccinated?
Brazilians not so smooth
They had everything going for them. They’d make a strong showing in earlier matches, they defeated a strong Mexico, they had their crotches freshly waxed, and yet something went wrong for the Brazilian team this week. They lost 7-1 to Germany, which in a game where a 1-0 victory might as well be celebrated as 1,000-1, was quite bad. The entire country was shocked. Once they come out of shock, they’ll probably try to forget it ever happened and just go back to rioting.
It’s not really summer, but we’re all tricking ourselves into thinking it is. That’s fine with me I guess, I support any holiday where society collectively deceives itself. Earth Day is another example. For one day a year, we all act like we care about the environment and swear we’re going to recycle more and drive less. Companies get in on it by turning their logos green. Then we as a society go back to saying “Screw you, grandchildren!” a day later. If you were busy this week getting outraged about the title of an upcoming movie for the second time in a month, odds are you missed it.
Beatle has a bug
This week, Sir Paul McCartney fell ill while on tour, causing him to cancel several show dates. Spokespeople said McCartney, 71, will be back out touring again soon. According to reports, he is suffering from a viral infection. Paul, you’re too old to be partying with the kids, this is what happens when you hang out with Miley Cyrus.
Worst spring break ever
Kevin Spacey traveled to Mexico this week to meet with President Pena Nieto. The two ran into each other at a resort in Cancun during Tianguis Turistico, an international tourism conference. It was alleged that the Spacey was paid by the Mexican government to make the appearance, which caused outrage among many Mexicans. However, the most outraged was Nieto himself, when he later learned that Spacey is not the president of the U.S.
A big weekend for toilets
Beef was recalled in 10 different states earlier this week. It was reported that six different retail chains sold tainted beer. Then later, the Centers for Disease Control linked at least seven E. coli infections to sprouts, hummus, walnuts and several kinds of dips, which also prompted a recall. So stock up on toilet paper, America, you’re about to lose some weight over the long weekend!
Nazario Moreno was a Mexican drug lord who died during a firefight with government forces back in December 2010. Only thing is, he didn’t stay dead.
But then, Moreno was reported still at the helm of his cartel in the Mexican state of Michoacan, in what is undoubtedly another case of bath salts creating zombies. It’s surprising that he was able to remain the boss of his ring, since the dead have such little brain functions.
The good news is that the Mexican government has killed Moreno in a shootout, again. We can only hope this time they aimed for the head.