We’re about to run out of tequila

Folks, we don’t want to alarm you, but if your weekend plans include drinking a margarita, make sure you enjoy it, because you may not get to have another one for a while. There’s a tequila shortage coming.

Just in time for Spring Break, the tequila industry in Mexico is having trouble keeping up with demand, as well as a supply crunch. Agave prices are six times higher than they were just two years ago. On top of that, the demand for tequila keeps going up. That means that distillers aren’t making the money they used to, and they don’t have enough agave plants to work with.

It’s so bad that some farmers have been forced to sell agave plants that aren’t fully mature and don’t produce as much tequila. That makes the supply shortage even worse.

And because agave plants take years to grow, it’s not likely that supply will catch up to demand any time soon. There’s always whiskey though.

Japanese suckers born nearly every other minute

A survey was conducted across 50 countries, asking the question “Do you believe in UFO’s?”. Coming in at number two is Japan. A total of 45.3% of the Japanese people polled replied that they did in fact believe in alien sightings, placing Japan below only Brazil and Mexico.

In a country that still values the presence of spirits and the supernatural, this isn’t quite that shocking. You don’t often see many programs on TV discussing the existence of extraterrestrials but apparently that doesn’t mean a whole lot.

So, what can we gather from this report? The Fortean Times probably isn’t (but may possibly) a magazine originating from the United States, but from Brazil, Mexico or Japan.

Take it from Snee: You’re about to get dumped

Look, I don’t know how to break this to you, but … well, you’re about to get dumped.

Or you’re about to dump somebody. Either way, you are about to be alone, so very alone soon.

How could I possibly know that? Because of Facebook.

David McCandless, a London designer, just released a graph of status updates containing the phrases “break up” or “broken up.” He discovered two peak periods in which the phrases were used: Spring Break and the two weeks before Christmas.

Here’s my interpretation of his data. Continue reading Take it from Snee: You’re about to get dumped

Some seriously U.S. wars updates

When it comes to wars, The Guys are starting to overstretch our resources. At last count we’re engaged on four fronts and with some real heavyweights, like robots, every animal in the world, extraterrestrial intelligence and the entire concept of education.

The U.S. fights a lot more wars–albeit against punier opponents like potheads and religious fanatics–so sometimes it’s hard to keep track of what our benevolent leaders are waging against. To keep you informed, we bring you A Seriously U.S. Wars Update.

It turns out there may be more to Afghanistan than poppies and Muhammad fanboys who–like our own fanboys–have poor hygiene and fear the touch of women. U.S. geologists have discovered large untapped deposits of copper, iron and lithium and believe this could help draw more international aid. Because when we think of improving living conditions for a people that have been impoverished by unchecked religion, war and corruption, we think of mining.

After over seven years of searching for chemical weapons in Iraq, U.S. forces have finally found them.

Illegal Immigration
According to an expert witness, Arizona is “the gateway to America for drug trafficking, extortion, kidnapping and crime.” That was Gov. Jan Brewer, who is experimenting with a new method of curbing illegal immigration: paint your state as a hellhole so that nobody will enter it.

So, in summation, America is winning!

Kidz Korner: Klassroom Edition

Hey, kidz! It’s been awhile since the court allowed us to run one of our Kidz Korner features, which is so very, very whack. But, we’re back, so it’s time for us to talk–no grown-ups allowed.

If you’re a student in Arizona, then you might have noticed your mommies and daddies frothing at the mouth a bit, especially if they’re European-Americans. It may seem a little crazy or wrong, especially when they’re trying to get rid of your Mexican-American teachers and students.

Just make sure you know that it’s not racist. Continue reading Kidz Korner: Klassroom Edition

It’s only a matter of time before the H1N1cat catches on

For months we have blamed Mexican farmers having intercourse with their pigs (or cerdos) as the cause of swine flu. But did you know that H1N1, or whatever it’s calling itself these days, is really a combination of swine flu and avian flu? What’s more, it originated right here in the U.S. of A.

But where did it come from? Obviously, it was a plot from the animals to kill us all, but how did they get it to us? We may have just found out it was a cleverer conspiracy than we ever imagined: house pets. No, your goldfish isn’t going to get you sick, but your cat might. In fact, one cat was recently diagnosed with H1N1.

Perhaps cats across the country ate birds with avian flu and stole pieces of raw bacon with swine flu, hoping to make the perfect mixture. If every cat in the country has H1N1, it would certainly explain why they barf so much.

(And yes, that is our Headline of the Day.)

Jurassic corn

Usually, we take our corn for granted. It’s yellow, it grows on a stalk, and it tastes good with butter and salt. It’s really not a big deal. But in Mexico, corn is a big deal.

Greenpeace held a protest in Mexico City against genetically-modified corn. We don’t normally–or ever–agree with Greenpeace, but in this case, we have to. Haven’t you read “Jurassic Park?” Sure you can make genetically-modified corn as a tourist attraction, but nature finds a way. Eventually, the corn will be able to change genders, and start procreating and eventually take over the island.

It’s chaos theory.

You Missed It: The other white meat edition

Happy May Day, comrade! May is finally here, which means more flowers that give off pollen–ugh. But seriously, if you are celebrating May Day today, the Department of Homeland Security would like to have a word with you. Me? I’m celebrating Bealtaine, the beginning of the Celtic summer. If you were too busy celebrating 100 days at your new job, odds are you missed it.

You’re telling me I can no longer express my love for pigs?
You probably have not heard yet, but there’s an outbreak of swine flu, and apparently people are really upset about it. Right now, over 300 people have it and are at home having chicken noodle soup, assuming there’s no avian flu in it. The illness came from Mexico and is steadily making its way here in the U.S.–as if we didn’t regret coming back from spring break with an itch already.

She’s got the need, the need for a same-sex relationship
Remember Kelly McGillis? She was that super-hot flight instructor that buzzed Tom Cruise’s flight tower in Top Gun? Yeah, turns out she likes the ladies now. Guess someone did not take her to bed, and as such, lost her forever. In a related note, this would have been so much cooler if it had happened 20 years ago.

So long, and thanks for all the opinions
Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced that he is going to step down soon, setting up the debate of who will replace him on the bench. Souter, a Bush Sr. appointee, has been known for his dry wit, his quiet demeanor and …. Sorry, dozed off there for a second. Souter may be the first American to quit his job in months. Ladies and gentlemen, the recession is over.