Doctors and staff from the University of Miami/Jackson Memorial Hospital and the Army Trauma Training Center are declaring one lucky young man’s recovery from a spear to the head nothing short of “a miracle,” adding that — now that he’s OK — the injury itself really raises the bar on 1970s Steve Martin impersonations.
Let it never be said that medical professionals don’t understand the principal of “too soon.”
It was horrible. It was disgusting. It was demeaning to the hotness of the city. It was the great Giant African land snail invasion of Miami 2011. Molluscs nearly a foot in size had invaded, taking their oozing and slimy talents to South Beach. It would not stand.
And it didn’t.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to bring you news that the Battle of Little Big Shell may now be over. Recently, over 37 thousand spineless monsters have been captured and more are being discovered by the day. The brave warriors in Florida’s agriculture department have uncovered these abominations, helping to prevent valuable crops from being destroyed, house damage and the spread of rat lungworm.
God speed, you courageous men and women. Don’t let the invertebrates win.
