It’s no secret that Florida is utter chaos. Any time some weird arrest happens, be it Tiger Woods or some dude riding a motorcycle with his infant, it’s happening in America’s Australia. But now a mater of the universe wants to straighten things out. He-Man is running for a seat in the Florida Senate.
Miami voters will have a chance this September to vote for Christian “He-Man” Schlaerth. The candidate filed a sworn affidavit this week stating that he has gone by the nickname He-Man since well before running for office. That means his moniker will be on the ballot. Schlaerth says he acquired the nickname from his rugby playing days, and his campaign manager didn’t know his first name for weeks.
A campaign manager signed on for a candidate he only knew as “He-Man?” This is going to be a fun race to watch.
Florida is being overrun with pythons and they want civilians to killthem. So far the usual stuff isn’t working, so the South Florida Water Management District is considering paying people to patrol and hunt these bastards down. If the plan moves forward, you and your friends would only need to patrol Miami-Dade County, which means you could celebrate a hard day’s work in a Miami club every night. What’s even better, is that this would be an hourly gig, meaning that you don’t even need to find anything to get paid.
The pilot project would last only two months. But by then you would probably be looking to rotate back home after that long of a tour of duty. Here’s your chance to be on the front lines of the War on Animals. Don’t miss it!
Wide yo’ wife, hide yo’ kids: there are weird monkey bears coming for you in your own bedroom. They’re coming for everyone, even 99-year-old mothers-in-law.
The 99-year-old mother-in-law of Carlos Aguaras (who did not decline to be identified, unlike his MIL, so he’s the Antoine Dodson of this case) woke up to find a kinkajou curled up on her chest.
The Central and South American tree dweller is kinky, indeed, as its name is Banana (the penis of fruits) and because they’re normally not the bed intruder types, even in Miami. He was held briefly in the South Dade Animal Hospital (for the Deviant and Criminally Insane, obviously), and then released into the care of his owners.
People, we can’t get soft on animal perverts. We didn’t choose you, kinkajou, but we will fight you, nevertheless.
We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.
At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.
Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.
In case you’re not sick of him already Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition
Surprisingly, they want to form their own state not for libertarian reasons, but environmental. The people are worried about rising sea levels, and don’t think that the state government in Tallahassee (in the armpit, we looked it up), will do anything about it.
If these guys are going to be under water soon, should we really make them their own state?
I think we can now put the 2013 Python Challenge to rest. Some of you might say that we could have put the 2013 Python Challenge to rest at the end of December 31st, 2013. To those of you, we say this: vigilance never ends.
People, if we could have a moment of silence, please?
Thank you. I needed this. You see, a truck recently overturned itself on a highway in Miami. Its contents? Fifty-five thousand pounds of beer. Specifically Amstel Light and Heineken, and while those two skunky beers are far from my favorites, any innocent beer spilt on the ground, even if it’s Pabst, Keystone Light or Beast Ice, gets a moment of remembrance from SG.
Perhaps you don’t think this was that big of a problem. Allow me to illustrate the severity of this issue with one more factoid: Now, half a year later, our battle has yielded more than 40,000 of their shell-bound warriors. That’s approximately four times the (marketed) size of the student body when I attended college (my freshman year). To put it into perspective, that’s potentially the amount of people that were taken over by the body snatchers in the Donald Sutherland version!
Except, Giant African snails are molluscs, not plant-pod-aliens. And they don’t swap places with people (that we know of). Despite that, it would totally have been the same thing, believe you me.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to bring you news that the Battle of Little Big Shell may now be over. Recently, over 37 thousand spineless monsters have been captured and more are being discovered by the day. The brave warriors in Florida’s agriculture department have uncovered these abominations, helping to prevent valuable crops from being destroyed, house damage and the spread of rat lungworm.
God speed, you courageous men and women. Don’t let the invertebrates win.
There’s nothing funny about cops these days if you’re currently occupying Oakland or the U.C. Berkley, but that doesn’t mean police everywhere else aren’t being cut-ups. Florida Highway Patrol trooper Joe Sanchez, for instance, found his car covered in human feces.
There are no suspects at this time, but after a different trooper pulled over and arrested an off-duty Miami police officer for speeding over 120 miles per hour in his marked cruiser, it’s believed that this may be yet another incident in the resulting — yet denied by both sides — feud.
Nobody, however, has reported to Miami that they already had their shot at a Police Academy movie, and they blew it on Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach.