People, if we could have a moment of silence, please?
Thank you. I needed this. You see, a truck recently overturned itself on a highway in Miami. Its contents? Fifty-five thousand pounds of beer. Specifically Amstel Light and Heineken, and while those two skunky beers are far from my favorites, any innocent beer spilt on the ground, even if it’s Pabst, Keystone Light or Beast Ice, gets a moment of remembrance from SG.
It sure is dusty in this room. Sniff.
Last year, Giant African snails invaded the area where we all wish we could take our talents, Miami.
Within four months, our brave soldiers were able to create a stop-gap that captured over 37,000 of the invaders.
Perhaps you don’t think this was that big of a problem. Allow me to illustrate the severity of this issue with one more factoid: Now, half a year later, our battle has yielded more than 40,000 of their shell-bound warriors. That’s approximately four times the (marketed) size of the student body when I attended college (my freshman year). To put it into perspective, that’s potentially the amount of people that were taken over by the body snatchers in the Donald Sutherland version!
Except, Giant African snails are molluscs, not plant-pod-aliens. And they don’t swap places with people (that we know of). Despite that, it would totally have been the same thing, believe you me.
It was horrible. It was disgusting. It was demeaning to the hotness of the city. It was the great Giant African land snail invasion of Miami 2011. Molluscs nearly a foot in size had invaded, taking their oozing and slimy talents to South Beach. It would not stand.
And it didn’t.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to bring you news that the Battle of Little Big Shell may now be over. Recently, over 37 thousand spineless monsters have been captured and more are being discovered by the day. The brave warriors in Florida’s agriculture department have uncovered these abominations, helping to prevent valuable crops from being destroyed, house damage and the spread of rat lungworm.
God speed, you courageous men and women. Don’t let the invertebrates win.
There’s nothing funny about cops these days if you’re currently occupying Oakland or the U.C. Berkley, but that doesn’t mean police everywhere else aren’t being cut-ups. Florida Highway Patrol trooper Joe Sanchez, for instance, found his car covered in human feces.
There are no suspects at this time, but after a different trooper pulled over and arrested an off-duty Miami police officer for speeding over 120 miles per hour in his marked cruiser, it’s believed that this may be yet another incident in the resulting — yet denied by both sides — feud.
Nobody, however, has reported to Miami that they already had their shot at a Police Academy movie, and they blew it on Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach.
Invasion. Infestation. Invertebrates. These are three words that start with the letter I that we cannot stand here at SeriouslyGuys.
Unfortunately, they exist for a reason. One reason being that giant snails have invaded South Florida. We’re not talking snails that you’ve seen before, we’re talking about African giant snails, the type that grow up to three quarters of a foot. They make badly shot movies about these monsters! Even worse, ten thousand of them have been found. That’s a lot of ugly, the likes of which Miami hasn’t seen since Chris Bosh came to town (I kid, I kid, but seriously, the dude looks like an alien). The mollusks are known to be carriers of meningitis, eat the local flora and can seriously damage the foundation of houses in the area. Do your part, residents of South Florida-stomp out a snail today.
But that’s not the only problem with invertebrates. In the quaint town of San Diego (German for “whale’s vagina”), the brave firefighters of Station 29 have been forced to flee the station house. Why so? Those monsters of New York, the bedbugs, have infested the beds. And the clothing. And the equipment. That’s not good for anybody that needs to be saved if a firefighter is too busy scratching to save you from your burning house!
Clearly the invertebrate world is attempting to take we humans on. Don’t let that happen. We’re bigger than them (well, most of us are).
When you’re a petty criminal, sometimes an intel gathering operation doesn’t go as planned. Getting arrested in the Best Buy parking lot with a trunk full of NIC cards and processors isn’t the end of an operation, but sometimes the next step towards bigger and better activities.
In this case, the judge sentenced me to community service at the local (Miami) post office. You might be aware that most post offices have a special section for holding letters addressed to “Santa Claus” at the “North Pole,” and that those letters are eventually answered by felons as part of the prison labor system. Miami has that and a section for letters addressed to “Michael Westen” from the Burn Notice television program.
When you’re trapped in the post office, you have to bide your time, do as you’re told and try not to make any sudden movements (unless you want the employees to complain you’re moving too fast). You do whatever work they give you. (Answering Michael Westen letters.) You rely on anyone who will talk to you. (Nobody). Bottom line: until you get a few of these letters answered, you’re not going anywhere. Continue reading Take it from Snee (and Michael Westen)
Devastating news has been revealed, friends. Devastating!
Big Boi of Outkast has been arrested! Now, here are the points to keep in mind:
1. He was arrested for illegal possession of drugs. That’s fairly gangster.
2. Said drug being illegally possessed was Viagra. Not so gangster.
Mind you, he was also charged with illegal possession of Ecstasy, so there’s that. I mean, in today’s culture, while not as street as crack, it shows a desire to diversify, and that’s smart.
But that’s not where the devastating news comes from. No, the devastating news is that clearly Big Boi has problems keeping his Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik up,as evidenced by him having possession of Viagra. Because that’s obviously the only reason for why he has it. Well, that or he pulmonary arterial hypertension. Which, in this case, might actually be more gangster.
I used the image scanner.
But at least I didn’t make fun about it over and over and over. Because that might push you to get a little angry and possibly try to beat me with a police baton. But only after you’ve forced me to my knees and made me apologize profusely because you can’t take it anymore. And only at our job in an employee parking lot at Miami International Airport, because we’re airport screeners.
But if that happened, you might have to be Rolando Negrin, right? Yeah.
Oh sure, it may be a glorious golden age for the repo-man, but for the portable toilet industry, sadly, sales are fairly … crappy.
C’mon, you knew I was gonna say that.
Good idea-operating a mobile brothel out of a rented limousine bus is a pretty brilliant idea. Your cash flow is always coming in and you’re almost always readily available to your clients and their needs. On the go marketing means that you’re seen in multiple areas, thus having heavy advertising for a fairly low cost
Bad idea-Parking the bus a block from the Miami Beach Police Department? Not quite as brilliant.