Hurricane booze cruise is best vacation ever

Ahead of Hurricane Irma, most Floridians got out of Dodge, while some fools decided to hang around and party their way through it. But no matter how awesome the party, no one did Hurricane Irma better than the people on a cruise ship.

Right now, the Norwegian Escape is somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico with some 4,000 drunken passengers who avoided the massive storm. The ship took on some displaced passengers, in addition to its own passengers who had been dropped off in Miami after their cruises were cut short before the hurricane, leaving them with nowhere to go as Irma bore down on them. The Escape then headed out to sea with an “unlimited” supply of booze.

After the pounding Florida took, it could be a while before the ship docks again, and that’s just fine with the passengers.

Grayskull native runs for Florida Senate

His real name is Prince Adam, but let’s keep that a secret.

It’s no secret that Florida is utter chaos. Any time some weird arrest happens, be it Tiger Woods or some dude riding a motorcycle with his infant, it’s happening in America’s Australia. But now a mater of the universe wants to straighten things out. He-Man is running for a seat in the Florida Senate.

Miami voters will have a chance this September to vote for Christian “He-Man” Schlaerth. The candidate filed a sworn affidavit this week stating that he has gone by the nickname He-Man since well before running for office. That means his moniker will be on the ballot. Schlaerth says he acquired the nickname from his rugby playing days, and his campaign manager didn’t know his first name for weeks.

A campaign manager signed on for a candidate he only knew as “He-Man?” This is going to be a fun race to watch.

Come get your paid python hunting trip to Miami

This is probably what hunting pythons looks like.

This is our chance, fellow warriors!

Florida is being overrun with pythons and they want civilians to kill them. So far the usual stuff isn’t working, so the South Florida Water Management District is considering paying people to patrol and hunt these bastards down. If the plan moves forward, you and your friends would only need to patrol Miami-Dade County, which means you could celebrate a hard day’s work in a Miami club every night. What’s even better, is that this would be an hourly gig, meaning that you don’t even need to find anything to get paid.

The pilot project would last only two months. But by then you would probably be looking to rotate back home after that long of a tour of duty. Here’s your chance to be on the front lines of the War on Animals. Don’t miss it!

Bed Intruder: War on Animals Edition

Put it away, Banana. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Put it away, Banana. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Wide yo’ wife, hide yo’ kids: there are weird monkey bears coming for you in your own bedroom. They’re coming for everyone, even 99-year-old mothers-in-law.

The 99-year-old mother-in-law of Carlos Aguaras (who did not decline to be identified, unlike his MIL, so he’s the Antoine Dodson of this case) woke up to find a kinkajou curled up on her chest.

The Central and South American tree dweller is kinky, indeed, as its name is Banana (the penis of fruits) and because they’re normally not the bed intruder types, even in Miami. He was held briefly in the South Dade Animal Hospital (for the Deviant and Criminally Insane, obviously), and then released into the care of his owners.

People, we can’t get soft on animal perverts. We didn’t choose you, kinkajou, but we will fight you, nevertheless.

You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

I'm not eager to do this, and you shouldn't be, either.
I’m not eager to do this, and you shouldn’t be, either.

We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.

January

At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.

In case you’re not sick of him already
Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

Secession Watch: South Florida (sort of)

You may not know this, but Florida is a pretty big state if you’re going north-south. Long, boring and meth-ridden. But maybe it will become two states.

South Miami city officials voted in favor of a resolution supporting that South Florida break off from the rest of the state. This shouldn’t be surprising, as South Miami probably voted out of Miami, which sounds like a stupid thing to do.

Surprisingly, they want to form their own state not for libertarian reasons, but environmental. The people are worried about rising sea levels, and don’t think that the state government in Tallahassee (in the armpit, we looked it up), will do anything about it.

If these guys are going to be under water soon, should we really make them their own state?

The long, dark, slithering nightmare is over

Folks, you can breathe easy again.

After almost 13 long, tortuous months, Florida is safe once more. A python just over eighteen feet in length was killed in Miami. Pythonius Rex’s slayer? A hero by the name of Bobby Hill.

I think we can now put the 2013 Python Challenge to rest. Some of you might say that we could have put the 2013 Python Challenge to rest at the end of December 31st, 2013. To those of you, we say this: vigilance never ends.

Must’ve been a lot of homies that passed away

People, if we could have a moment of silence, please?

—-

Thank you. I needed this. You see, a truck recently overturned itself on a highway in Miami. Its contents? Fifty-five thousand pounds of beer. Specifically Amstel Light and Heineken, and while those two skunky beers are far from my favorites, any innocent beer spilt on the ground, even if it’s Pabst, Keystone Light or Beast Ice, gets a moment of remembrance from SG.

It sure is dusty in this room. Sniff.

Problem stuffed back into its shell

Last year, Giant African snails invaded the area where we all wish we could take our talents, Miami.

Within four months, our brave soldiers were able to create a stop-gap that captured over 37,000 of the invaders.

Perhaps you don’t think this was that big of a problem. Allow me to illustrate the severity of this issue with one more factoid: Now, half a year later, our battle has yielded more than 40,000 of their shell-bound warriors. That’s approximately four times the (marketed) size of the student body when I attended college (my freshman year). To put it into perspective, that’s potentially the amount of people that were taken over by the body snatchers in the Donald Sutherland version!

Except, Giant African snails are molluscs, not plant-pod-aliens. And they don’t swap places with people (that we know of). Despite that, it would totally have been the same thing, believe you me.

SyFy channel problem salted over

It was horrible. It was disgusting. It was demeaning to the hotness of the city. It was the great Giant African land snail invasion of Miami 2011. Molluscs nearly a foot in size had invaded, taking their oozing and slimy talents to South Beach. It would not stand.

And it didn’t.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to bring you news that the Battle of Little Big Shell may now be over. Recently, over 37 thousand spineless monsters have been captured and more are being discovered by the day. The brave warriors in Florida’s agriculture department have uncovered these abominations, helping to prevent valuable crops from being destroyed, house damage and the spread of rat lungworm.

God speed, you courageous men and women. Don’t let the invertebrates win.