You Missed It: Ancient robot edition

From the franchise that once teabagged its whole audience.

There was a shooting in my town earlier this week. Perhaps you heard about it. The good news is that only the attacker was killed. What I love about it is that you have a group of lawmakers who were attacked, who break down in tears during interviews about the attack, and the big lesson they all draw from it is, “We need security detail.” I don’t think there will ever be a better example of the self-interest of Congress than that. If you were busy heading to see a friend in North Korea this week, odds are you missed it.

‘Transformers: The Ides of March’
This weekend, Transformers: The Fifth Film in the Series hits theaters. Critics have answered with a resounding, “Why does this exist?” but the real news is that spin-off movies are planned. Executives are reportedly considering prequel films involving Transformers in ancient Rome. This would be great, because who doesn’t want to watch a movie about robots wearing togas that transform into chariots?

The Sessions session
Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited his old friends in the Senate this week to testify under oath. Sessions claimed a faulty memory throughout much of the questioning about ties to Russia, and said he thought he was going to talk about his favorite monuments being torn down.

Paris after dark
Two teenage boys were rescued after spending three days lost in the Catacombs of Paris, which is a series of tunnels under the city that contain the stacked bones of over six million people. The boys said it was a creepy experience, and say they ran into at least a dozen death metal bands while they were down there.

You Missed It: Back to work edition

You can always tell when it's Sweeps Week at C-SPAN.
You can always tell when it’s Sweeps Week at C-SPAN.

When you think about it, Columbus Day is pretty strange. Let’s leave out that Christopher Columbus may not have been the first European to set foot in the New World. We can even leave out that he really just found the Caribbean, and that the indigenous people gave syphilis to Europe. Let’s also leave out that the holiday was once the Italian equivalent of St. Patrick’s Day. Does anyone really have that day off? Does anyone know how we’re supposed to celebrate it? If you were busy getting ready for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone starring in the same movie this week, odds are you missed it.

What would Jesus defund?
Just hours before the U.S. was going to default on its loans for the first time in modern times, Congress decided it might be a good idea to fund the government and raise the debt ceiling, regardless of what they think about ensuring the health of the citizenry. Just after the vote in the House, where all the problems came from, a stenographer decided it was a good idea to rant into the microphone about Jesus versus the evil Freemasons. This is what happens when people work without pay for more than two weeks.

Destiny misses
Scientists announced this week that life on Earth almost ended in September and we didn’t even know it. Apparently, a big asteroid passed our favorite planet relatively closely, and the people who are supposed to be watching the skies for these kinds of things didn’t even know it existed. The good news is that the asteroid will be back in 2032, and scientists say it as a 1:63,000 chance to hitting us. So you may not want to wait on that bucket list.

‘Transformers: What Did the Five Fingers Say to the Face?’
Director Michael Bay, fresh off his Lone Ranger bomb, is shooting the next movie in the Transformers franchise. One the very first day of shooting, some guys, apparently high on something, harassed the crew, and eventually one tried to slap Bay, who ducked out of the way. Naturally, the incident was caught in slow-motion as a camera whipped around the pair a full 360 degrees. And buildings exploded.

You Missed It: Turtle head edition

Megan Fox, attempting to act her way out.
Megan Fox, attempting to act her way out.

I realize that every industry wants to have their own fake holiday, but it’s getting a bit excessive. For example, yesterday was National Cherry Pie day. Today is National Margarita Day. Far be it from me to say we shouldn’t have holidays celebrating anything booze related, but who decides these things? Did the National Association of Tequila Distillers form a coalition with Lime Farmers of America to create this? Also, if you drink margaritas in February, and you don’t live on a beach, you have a problem. If you were busy writing your acceptance speech this week, odds are you missed it.

Fox joins the turtles
Remember Michael Bay’s plan to ruin the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, now that he’s more or less finished crapping on the Transformers? Turns out it’s still very much in the works, as Bay announced this week that Megan Fox has been cast as April O’Neil, the turtles’ reporter friend. Bay said he is excited about the project, and that with the help of CGI, Fox will seem almost lifelike on screen.

Change comes slow in the South
With the recent success of Lincoln, which is up for a ton of Oscars this weekend, the 13th Amendment has been enjoying quite a bit of fame. However, the amendment, which banned slavery went without approval from Mississippi until recently. The state legislature never voted on the measure until 1995, and even then, the paperwork wasn’t filed until a professor figured it out a few weeks ago. When the state finally got its act together and ratified the 13th Amendment, they decided to break out the fire hoses just for old time’s sake.

Twitter breaks deal news yet again
It was a rough week on Twitter for a couple companies, after their accounts got hacked. First, Burger King’s account was hacked, sending out tweets that it had been sold to McDonald’s, and a day later, Jeep’s account was posting that it had been sold to Cadillac. Later in the week,  Donald Trump was hacked, too. His followers first realized that it had happened when his tweets began lacking his typical air of douchbaggery.

Can they transform into good movies?

You see, people? This: this is what happens when you see a movie that you know will suck, but pay for the privilege anyway. (We are not exceptions.)

Transformers 3 is in the works.

You know what that means. More Linkin Park. More “is Megan Fox legitimately hot vs. skanky hot” debates. More John Malkovich, Frances McDormand and Ken Jeong.

… Wait, what?

Just when we think we can walk away from what will be the loudest, most Michael Bayingest train wreck ever, he throws the careers of two Academy Award-winners into the dining car. Now we have to watch.

You Missed It: No one cares what you’re doing edition

I’m back! I know you missed me. But then again, as was proven last week, just because I go on vacation to forget about you does not mean that YMI ceases to exist. It’s sort of like the news in that sense, isn’t it? In any case, I have returned and I am refreshed. Can you say the same? If you were busy making a cargo ship disappear, odds are you missed it.

Your pointless babble brings on the whale
A recent study of tweets on Twitter, the microblogging service, found that around 40 percent are “pointless babble.” This comes as a shock to many, who could have sworn the number was closer to 99.9999999999999999 percent. So what are the remaining 60 percent of tweets? About 35 percent are updates about what song or band a person is listening to right now, 20 percent are complaints about work, class, the weather and illness, while the remaining 5 percent are updates on bowel movements.

This AND Steven Tyler is in the hospital?
NASA said this week that unless it gets more federal funding it will not be able to meet its 2020 goal of tracking 90 percent of the asteroids that could hit the Earth and kill off life as we know it. But that’s OK, your federal dollars are going to more important things. As the ancient Sumerian saying goes, if you live long enough, everything turns into a Bruce Willis movie.

Just in time for the Woodstock anniversary
Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme was released from prison today after spending 34 years in jail for the attempted assasination of President Gerald Ford. Fromme was a member of the Manson family, which is connected with other crimes, such as a two-day killing spree in 1969. Has anyone told Ford about this yet? Oh, wait.

MasterChugs Theater: I’m with stupid

Please forgive me for this column-it was probably a lot more relevant, say, a few weeks or so ago, but I’m just now getting around to writing it. Also, this might be a fairly long rant. Not only that, there’s definitely some coarse language. My apologies in advance.

Noted movie critic Roger Ebert absolutely destroyed Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen in his review of said movie. He was then assaulted by a largess of invective and contrary opinions sent his way. Some of these were well-worded.

Many were not.

In a defense (of sorts), he then wrote a piece about how it’s okay to like a bad movie, but just don’t think that it’s the greatest piece of film ever, instead looking to expand your horizons. He was still textually assaulted.

Me, I’ll just go for the throat: If you think that Michael Bay is a talented filmmaker, you are a moron. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: I’m with stupid

Goodnight, sweet high flying jet prince

“If we can give hundreds of billions of dollars away to banks, under two billion for some more high tech fighter craft doesn’t sound so bad, right?”

No.

“Well, how about a jet that doesn’t have that great of a design, but is still functional?”

No.

“Aw.”

That’s essentially what happened at Congress on Tuesday. The majority of the Senate, in a 58-40 vote, sided with President Obama and cut the money for making F-22’s. Which, in all honesty, is a smart and logical move. The F-22 is a bucket wheel excavator when we generally just need to dig a few fence posts. It’s totally awesome to see in person when it’s moving, but it’s neither cost-effective nor necessary.

Sorry Michael Bay-looks like you’re gonna need a new Starscream.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Transformers’

Hey there readers. Chugs has had a ridiculously heavy week at work, and frankly, is frazzled at a creative standpoint. Truth told, that sentence may not have actually made any sense, or at least, the last part of it didn’t seem to. It doesn’t help that he’s still got stuff on his plate for the rest of the week. In the meantime, why don’t you enjoy a classic review of his? At least you can see what a good Transformers movie directed by Michael Bay is-as opposed to a more recent one.

Let the review for Transformers, the 2007 Bay-centric version, begin! By the way, there will probably be a few spoilers here and there, so heed that as the warning.

Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Transformers’

Take it from Snee: What Michael Bay doesn’t know

Seriously, isn't this just Megan Fox and not a character?There’s an old favorite insult of mine, that “what you don’t know could fill a book.” It’s used when someone confesses to ignorance in response to what someone else said.

What Michael Bay doesn’t know could fill an entire movie. The unfortunate thing for the Zuckers and Wayans of the world is that Michael Bay has made this film, and it’s Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

If you’re one of the 70 people in America that didn’t see this movie, then let me warn you: there are spoilers in this article. I don’t say that to warn you, but to assure you that, by the end, you won’t be “at least curious” about seeing this movie. (You’re welcome.)

Just remember that, as you read each point, Bay is allegedly–by his own and others’ accounts–a very demanding director, prone to emotional outbursts and long hours to perfect his vision. His behavior is excused because, as much as he pushes others, he’s supposedly even harder on himself. Continue reading Take it from Snee: What Michael Bay doesn’t know

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’

BOOM! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! CHUNK-CHUNK-CHUNK-CHUNK-CHONK. ZOOM!

That’s the recurring theme of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The giant robots from another planet are back, but this time, they range in sizes other than just giant. Nonetheless, it’s big, it’s loud, so get used to it!

But is it any good? Well, the answer just may very well surprise you.

Hit the jump to see my take on the movie. Oh, and as a warning, you should probably expect some spoilers. I’m going to attempt to keep them mild, but caveat … uh, whatever pig latin is for reader. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’