Tag: michael bloomberg

Ask Dr. Snee: Snowed in with your letters

Why, hello there, patient readers. Like everyone else in the DC area, I’ve been pretending to be snowed in by rain and two very wet inches of snow.

You know how they started naming winter storms this year? We called ours the Snowquester. Get it? Because people who live within 100 miles of the nation’s capitol only exist from one political event to another.

It's not like I'm going anywhere in this pretend snow car.
It’s not like I’m going anywhere in this pretend snow car.

So, while I try to remember that, essentially, man is good (even when they name everything with puns based on terms from Civics class), I figured I’d answer a few letters. As always, thanks for emailing instead of licking envelopes during the cold and flu season.  Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Snowed in with your letters

There’s no infestation like a New York City infestation …

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that, despite the city’s best efforts, you just can’t kill off a New Yorker infestation. “Babies born in New York City in 2009 can expect to live on average 80.6 years, roughly 2-1/2 years more than the most recently reported national rate of 78.2 years,” the mayor told members of the press, ruefully shaking his head.

It was hoped that, by shortening human lifespans, this research would lead to a cure for the city’s bed bug problem — a plan that animal rights activists hailed as a fun exercise in role reversal. Alas, all of the Mayor Bloomberg’s initiatives, “including bans on public smoking and the use of trans-fats in restaurants,” have only resulted in more New Yorkers living longer neurotic lives.

“If you want to live longer and healthier than the average American, then come to New York City,” the mayor said before distributing cyanide capsules and pistols to his staff. “Me? I want off this merry-go-round, and I’ll do the same for anyone else.”

New Yorkers’ tough talk after 9/11 just that

You ever known somebody from New York, particularly from the city? If so, then you’ve probably heard all the talk that comes from New Yorkers: being raised on the mean streets, being able to make it anywhere and–after 9/11–tougher than any terrorist.

After intense bipartisan pressure from U.S. officials, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the relatives of 9/11 victims, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder and President Barack Obama are now considering alternative sites for the trials of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four of his alleged co-conspirators.

Those “tough guys” from “the streets” have suggested safer places, including U.S. military bases and West Point, for five men that have been tortured and held in tiny cells for almost a decade.

So, the next time you have to listen to an obnoxious New Yorker, or even a plain-old Yankees fan, brag about what a badass they are and how New York eats people up and spits them out, let them vent. It’s all they have left.

Those terrifying Kodak moments

Was Roland Emmerich unavailable?

The U.S. Department of Defense has finally released the April 27th Air Force One photos over New York City. There was some delay because they had to photoshop several thousand pee-pee stains from the pants of New Yorkers below.

The flyover was condemned by Mayor Michael Bloomberg and President Barack Obama because it was unannounced and “around the site of the World Trade Center.” Defense officials countered that the flight was a classified mission, which explains both why they didn’t tell anyone and why it was done with a bright blue and white plane over one of the most populated cities in America.

If we believe anything here at SeriouslyGuys, it’s that mistakes are learning experiences: it’s only OK to use aircraft in New York if they’re attacking a giant ape or being emceed by Al Roker.

New York: One tough town

New Yorkers are “annoyed — furious is a better word” — that the Air Force One flyover of NYC was not a terrorist attack. Though the plane and its F-16 escort veered frustratingly close to the site of Ground Zero, the plane was not piloted by terrorists and did not crash into any buildings.

Enraged and traumatized to be teased with what could have been a very painful and scary moment, New York politicians like Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Senator Chuck Schumer want to know why New York wasn’t informed and whose head will roll for not killing several thousand of their constituents.

Even the therapists can’t handle the influx of tramautized patients. Social worker, Linda Garcia-Rose complained about being inundated with calls from patients who survived the tantalizingly-close calamity, many of whom live three blocks away from the World Trade Center.