Rated ‘T’ for ‘Too Old’

If you’re bored with the World of Warcraft, then get ready for a new adventure on Planet Michael.

The planned online world will be based in a virtual Neverland that Tim Burton only brushed the dust off of with his Alice in Wonderland abortion and completely non-violent, using dance-based and musical problem solving.

The most remarkable part of the game is the character generation screen, where players can choose between 14 different noses and skin tints ranging from Motown Mocha to Anime Heroine.

The King is dead

And he will continue to stay that way, even in the digital world. After more than a year spent dancing into our hearts and gardens, objections from the King of Pop’s estate have caused PopCap Games to replace the killer Michael Jackson lookalike in Plants Vs. Zombies.

The Dancing Zombie in Plants Vs. Zombies will be removed from the game, though not from our hearts, as plans are currently underway to replace him in all versions of the game with a disco-themed imposter.

“The Estate of Michael Jackson objected to our use of the ‘dancing zombie’ in PLANTS vs. ZOMBIES based on its view that the zombie too closely resembled Michael Jackson. After receiving this objection, PopCap made a business decision to retire the original ‘dancing zombie’ and replace it with a different ‘dancing zombie’ character for future builds of PLANTS vs. ZOMBIES on all platforms. The phase-out and replacement process is underway.”

The change has already been implemented in the iPhone version of the game with the latest update, with plans to phase out the dead pop singer across all platforms. Hoo-hoo!

Thriller night

Hey guys, we’re only a month away from the first anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death! You know what that mean, more news about Michael Jackson!

How do you plan to spend the anniversary? Are you going to record a kooky video of you and your inmate friends doing the Thriller dance? Perhaps if you’re not incarcerated, you would be interested in going to Tokyo and spending all night with some of Jacko’s junk (we mean his possessions, perverts).

A few hundred thousand fans will be able to spend an entire night among the Neverland Collection at Tokyo Tower. Tickets further profiting from Jackson’s death are going fast!

Sony are you ok? Will you tell us, that you’re ok?

Michael Jackson isn’t dead, he’s still alive and kicking and making Sony Music a freaking ton of money. At least, that’s what the music giant is hoping The King Goes Pop still does for them after licensing a $250 million, 10-album deal so Jackson can continue to release new music, even though he’s dead, for a long time, Tupac.

We personally hope that Jackson’s camp holds on to the rights for the rumored single “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough (Underage Kids).”

Take it from Snee: We, the world, say enough

Most of the Guys may be a little young to remember 1985-1986, the year when you couldn’t escape “We Are the World.” Well, I had to participate in several performances of it all the way up to 1989. (Some music experts credit elementary schools’ adoration of the song as the progenitor of “Kidz Bop.” Think about that.)

Well, the ghosts of Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie are at it again.

Dozens of “singers”–nearly twice the number of the 1985 recording–have been invited to remake the song, with a few modified lyrics, for Haitian earthquake relief.

You’re probably wondering why I think this charitable work is a bad idea (other than that I’m horrible person who hates everything). I’m glad you kind of asked: Continue reading Take it from Snee: We, the world, say enough

The McBournie Minute: DirecTV practices the black arts

It’s Halloween time, that means everyone will have costume pictures on the Facebook profiles in a week we are half way through the Christmas shopping season it’s nearly time to party. Yours truly may not survive Halloween because I will be going to a murder party. Having never been to one before, I’m not sure what level of make-believe is. So if it comes down to them or me, my hunting knife ought to win out. I bought a fedora for my costume the other day, not because I am going to be Don Draper for Halloween, but the party is supposed to be a 1920s speakeasy. I plan to draw on my college experience to play the part of drinking in secret.

But still, because it’s that time of year, things are getting lame brands of spooky, mostly television and theme parks. We have to accept that they are getting faux-creepy, but sometimes they go a little over the top. I can put up with horror movie marathons and the New York Yankees in the World Series to give me the heeby-jeebies, but commercials are where I draw the line.

DirecTV has recently launched a few new famous movie scene re-dub commercials where they pay semi famous people like Naomi Watts. This time around they’re smacking us around with some action from David Spade–not that we asked for it or anything. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: DirecTV practices the black arts

And ‘Black or White’ was about zebras

Jane Goodall, who we all know as a famous monkey-lover, is now claiming that Michael Jackson’s song “Heal the World” was about chimpanzees, specifically, how we were successfully killing them and burning down their natural habitat.

Again trying to cash in on Jackson’s dead coattails, Goodall said she spoke with Jackson personally about the song, and that she later met Bubbles, who also happened to be Jackson’s chimpanzee and suspected lover. She has even visited Bubbles at his retirement home in Florida, where he currently sits on death row.

Take it from Dr. Snee: Teach your kids to masturbate

Before we get started with this week’s questions, I just want to remind you that your health insurance provider no longer covers consultations. By reading this, you agree to pay your entire bill within 90 days. No take backs!

Too much bacon is a bad thing.

Dear Dr. Snee,

Why is swine flu back? I thought it was gone.

–Reinflating My Bubble

Three words, RMB: slow news week.

Viruses don’t go away; they just get bumped for more interesting headlines if they don’t kill enough people. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Teach your kids to masturbate

You Missed It: Bad year to be old and famous edition

It’s Friday! You know what that means, Michael Jackson is still dead of a drug overdose. Only now we know which ones, WOOOOOOO! If you were busy banning robocalls this week, odds are you missed it.

The lion sleeps permanently
Senator Edward “Ted” Kennedy died this week after battling brain cancer. He died a matter of weeks after his sister Eunice. He is survived by his wife Vicki, sons Edward and Patrick, daughter Kara, stepchildren, grandchildren, his former wife, Joan Kennedy, and his lifelong companion, Johnny Walker.

‘How dare you besmirch my Playboy playmate girlfriend’s honor?’
Brody Jenner, star of The Hills, accused Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame of beating his girlfriend this week. The two men had a fight in a Hollywood club, in a rare battle where one hopes both parties lose. Apparently, someone was Tasered. TMZ, where’s the footage?

iCommunism
Apple Inc. has just signed a deal to sell iPhones in China. Two versions of the phone (which is made there, by the way) will be on sale in China as soon as the fourth quarter of this year. In future news, China would like to sell you an unlocked iPhone for really, really cheap. Special price.