I’m calling it: this summer sucks. Sure, it’s just barely turned August, but for the most part, the best part of the summer had passed us by. What do we have to show for it? The box office sucked (two Hercules movies?), few movies have lived up to their hype, the biggest album of the summer was released by “Weird” Al Yankovic, and we haven’t even had any good natural disasters. Plus, you know, everything’s blowing up overseas. If you were busy getting caught in a sharknado this week, odds are you missed it.
This week, a blazing hot feud boiled over against the backdrop of a fiery Spanish night club. It’s bad blood that’s got a long history, and we finally got to see it become more than a war of words, it was … Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber? An onlooker’s video shows the two having words before Bloom goes to punch or slap Biebs, only to get blocked by a bodyguard. No one’s quite sure what the whole thing was about, but the world quickly condemned Bieber for making them support Orlando Bloom in anything.
Central Intelligence Agency Director John Brennan apologized to senators during a hearing for hacking into lawmakers’ computers to monitor and remove files on their investigation into CIA’s torturing of terrorists. He said he was sorry and embarrassed that the hackers had gone that far, adding, “But it’s still cool if we do that to ordinary Americans every day, right?”
Madhouse for sale
It was announced this week that Michael Jackson’s estate will have to sell the singer’s iconic Neverland Ranch because of soaring debt. The complex requires a lot of upkeep, and it’s just too expensive for a dead guy to pay for, even if he did make millions last year. The place has 22 buildings in all, and they say that late at night you can still hear ghost of Bobo shuffling down the hallways.
It really sucks right now to be a sports fan. There’s no football to look forward to, and the Olympics aren’t here yet. Meanwhile, it’s cold and no one wants to go outside. There’s hockey and golf, but let’s be honest, in terms of popularity in the U.S., those rank just above lacrosse and soccer. In other words, if you’re watching them, you’re either a fanatic or a foreigner. Just one more week. If you were busy getting indicted for accepting bribes this week, odds are you missed it.
In case you’re not sick of this story already
This week, Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans.
Guy known for his mouth is handed a microphone
Richard Sherman also had tongues wagging this week. After his team defeated the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday, the Seattle Seahawks corner did a 30-second interview with Erin Andrews where he boasted about his abilities. People said he was rude, they said racist things, then others said the racists were racists, and anyone who didn’t like the interview was a racist, too. In other words, we really just didn’t have a lot to talk about this week.
Women, control your libidos around the GOP
Women don’t want to be told what to do, right guys? Like they want to be told they can do whatever the men do and not be held down because they are the weaker gender, amiright? That’s essentially what former Arkansas Gov. Mick Huckabee said before the Republican National Committee this week, probably because there were no women in the room. He said, and this is true, that Democrats try to oppress women by telling them they just can’t control “their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government.” I guess if you’re a heartthrob like Huckabee, all you see are women who can’t control their libido.
Most people aren’t willing to enumerate the positives to people dying. They’re even less willing to do it in writing and publish it on the world’s most preeminent web sites because of how likely you will offend someone who knows someone who just died. I mean, the odds aren’t good: according to some random ass Internet search, 1.8 people die from death every second, so at least one of their relatives will likely stumble upon this article when Googling “inverted nipples” or “how to kill your parents.”
Fortunately, as the author of both those articles, I am not most people.
If you’re bored with the World of Warcraft, then get ready for a new adventure on Planet Michael.
The planned online world will be based in a virtual Neverland that Tim Burton only brushed the dust off of with his Alice in Wonderland abortion and completely non-violent, using dance-based and musical problem solving.
The most remarkable part of the game is the character generation screen, where players can choose between 14 different noses and skin tints ranging from Motown Mocha to Anime Heroine.
The Dancing Zombie in Plants Vs. Zombies will be removed from the game, though not from our hearts, as plans are currently underway to replace him in all versions of the game with a disco-themed imposter.
“The Estate of Michael Jackson objected to our use of the ‘dancing zombie’ in PLANTS vs. ZOMBIES based on its view that the zombie too closely resembled Michael Jackson. After receiving this objection, PopCap made a business decision to retire the original ‘dancing zombie’ and replace it with a different ‘dancing zombie’ character for future builds of PLANTS vs. ZOMBIES on all platforms. The phase-out and replacement process is underway.”
The change has already been implemented in the iPhone version of the game with the latest update, with plans to phase out the dead pop singer across all platforms. Hoo-hoo!
Hey guys, we’re only a month away from the first anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death! You know what that mean, more news about Michael Jackson!
How do you plan to spend the anniversary? Are you going to record a kooky video of you and your inmate friends doing the Thriller dance? Perhaps if you’re not incarcerated, you would be interested in going to Tokyo and spending all night with some of Jacko’s junk (we mean his possessions, perverts).
A few hundred thousand fans will be able to spend an entire night among the Neverland Collection at Tokyo Tower. Tickets further profiting from Jackson’s death are going fast!
Michael Jackson isn’t dead, he’s still alive and kicking and making Sony Music a freaking ton of money. At least, that’s what the music giant is hoping The King Goes Pop still does for them after licensing a $250 million, 10-album deal so Jackson can continue to release new music, even though he’s dead, for a long time, Tupac.
We personally hope that Jackson’s camp holds on to the rights for the rumored single “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough (Underage Kids).”
Most of the Guys may be a little young to remember 1985-1986, the year when you couldn’t escape “We Are the World.” Well, I had to participate in several performances of it all the way up to 1989. (Some music experts credit elementary schools’ adoration of the song as the progenitor of “Kidz Bop.” Think about that.)
It’s Halloween time, that means everyone will have costume pictures on the Facebook profiles in a weekwe are half way through the Christmas shopping season it’s nearly time to party. Yours truly may not survive Halloween because I will be going to a murder party. Having never been to one before, I’m not sure what level of make-believe is. So if it comes down to them or me, my hunting knife ought to win out. I bought a fedora for my costume the other day, not because I am going to be Don Draper for Halloween, but the party is supposed to be a 1920s speakeasy. I plan to draw on my college experience to play the part of drinking in secret.
But still, because it’s that time of year, things are getting lame brands of spooky, mostly television and theme parks. We have to accept that they are getting faux-creepy, but sometimes they go a little over the top. I can put up with horror movie marathons and the New York Yankees in the World Series to give me the heeby-jeebies, but commercials are where I draw the line.
Jane Goodall, who we all know as a famous monkey-lover, is now claiming that Michael Jackson’s song “Heal the World” was about chimpanzees, specifically, how we were successfully killing them and burning down their natural habitat.
Again trying to cash in on Jackson’s dead coattails, Goodall said she spoke with Jackson personally about the song, and that she later met Bubbles, who also happened to be Jackson’s chimpanzee and suspected lover. She has even visited Bubbles at his retirement home in Florida, where he currently sits on death row.