Oh, hello, online patients. I hope you didn’t eat all of the copies of Highlights in the waiting room since the last edition of Ask Dr. Snee. I’m taking a break from watching the Olympics — and totally not hiding from malpractice suits (whaaaat.) — in Rio, so I figured that I’d answer some of the letters my attorney forwarded me.
What is cupping, why is Michael Phelps doing it, and why won’t my doctor recommend it? — In Pain in Pawtucket
“Cupping” is the ancient Egyptian word for “keeping your massage parlor ahead of the competition.” Basically, you take the existing massage treatment — rubbing you until you’re either too embarrassed or ejaculate your problems away — and then multiply it by 72, the mystical number of virgins awaiting hucksters in heaven. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: The Olympic ideal of health
The Jim Beam commercial with Mila Kunis is supposed to be sexy and make me want to buy bourbon (as if I didn’t already). It doesn’t really have that effect on me. In it, she tells the camera how awesome bourbon is while wielding hot and sharp metal objects, and brands one barrel of Jim Beam with her name. She then threatens the barrel that she’ll be back for it in four years. This doesn’t seem like the place for an expectant mother. Guess she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore. If you were busy announcing a Baywatch movie this week, odds are you missed it.
On the next episode of Dallas
The Ebola outbreak in Africa has killed hundreds and sickened far more in Africa. It’s the worst outbreak ever. But Americans were safe from the virus until a man in Dallas was diagnosed with it this week. He told doctors over a week ago that he was feeling sick and had traveled to Africa, but was sent home with antibiotics instead. Now about 100 people, including school children, are being watched after having contact with the man. Everything really is bigger in Texas, including the f*%#-ups.
In the line of fire
This week, Julia Pierson resigned from her post as Secret Service director following a recent batch of security lapses in her agency, including a crazy guy with a knife getting all the way to the East Room after jumping the White House fence. Her testimony before a Congressional committee and her resignation were translated by the crazy guy who made up sign language at Nelson Mandela’s funeral.
His eyes were glassy from pool water
Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps was arrested and charged with driving under the influence in Baltimore this week after police caught him speeding early Tuesday morning. The incident isn’t Phelps’ first run in with the law. It’s not even his first DUI. Because of his legal problems, his sponsorship deals have gone from Wheaties to Beerios.
You missed You Missed It, and You Missed It missed you, too. I hope all of you American readers out there enjoyed the day off. As for the international readers, well, too bad for you. If you were busy emerging out of Chapter 11 this week, odds are you missed it.
Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell is a hockey mom, too
We were off on Friday, as was the rest of the country. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin knew it, too. That’s why she made the “gotcha media” show up in her back yard for a rambling announcement that she is stepping down from her post for the last 16 months of her term. Palin will step down at the end of the month to get back to her roots–feeling victimized and retooling her condescension.
Not an Olympic year
Real American Hero Lance Armstrong finished third in the seventh leg of the Tour de France, which is Spanish for “Tour of France on a bicycle.” Armstrong, whose blood is in fact red, white and blue, is chasing his 8th title in the month-long race. Meanwhile, Michael Phelps set a record in the butterfly event, and Honduras just won some international soccer tournament. There, I just saved you hours watching sports you don’t care about.
This was intentionally placed last Insane Passionate fans bade farewell to the King of Pop in Los Angeles earlier this week. In a massive ceremony, Jackson’s family urged for money, as the spectacle they created cost the bankrupt city $1.4 million. Don’t worry, Joe Jackson will be putting Jacko’s kids on tour in no time. They’ll work if they don’t want to be hit, right, Joe?
Sorry we missed each other last week. I had some work to do on sunny beaches of Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. You know how it is. I know you missed me, which is why I couldn’t tell you where I was going and let you follow me. I needed to concentrate on my work. But now I am back and we can can get down to business. If you were busy taking a break from your vows of celibacy, odds are you missed it.
Hubble gets an oil change, tire rotation every 5,000 orbits
Space Shuttle Atlantis blasted off this week on a mission to do some maintenance work on the Hubble Space Telescope. Astronauts are performing the work during a series of space walks. What they aren’t telling you is that they are really just readjusting the telescope so it can track the movements of that paranoid guy sitting at the end of your favorite bar, according to his ramblings. NASA has not confirmed or denied the claims as of yet.
If you ask me, she’s probably a controlling woman
Apparently Jon Gosselin was caught possibly cheating on his wife, Kate Gosselin last week and this week Kate could be cheating as well. This is bad news, because they have 10 children and a lot of paparazzi cameras pointed at them. Interview after interview has alluded to the possibility of ending their marriage. In other news, who the hell and Jon and Kate Gosselin?
Phelps released back into the wild
His suspension up, Olympic hero and part time stoner Michael Phelps got back in the pool Friday. Swimming, easily the most popular sport in the U.S., seems to have welcomed him back, too. Phelps said he was happing to be racing again, but what he really needed right then was to shower and change then head to this totally sick party his friend was hosting. Phelps said plenty of alcohol and loose women would be available.
This is a relief for Phelps, but he didn’t emerge from this unaffected. He gave this statement to the youth:
“For me, it’s all about recognizing that I used bad judgment and it’s a mistake I won’t make again. For young famous people especially — be careful about the decisions you make. One bad decision can really hurt your income and the companies you endorse.“
OK, that’s a paraphrase, but when was the last time a single use of marijuana harmed a non-celebrity?
So far, the answer is a very scientific “Idunno,” but they’re working on it.
But that’s not to say that every scientist is gung-ho about it. Some are calling the connection “a tenuous one,” especially considering the type of nut cancer they’re investigating has not increased over the past 35 years. We don’t have audio of this quote, so we can’t verify whether the source– Steve Shoptaw, “a professor in the department of family medicine and psychiatry at UCLA” — sounded anything like your freshman year roommate. (Think Tommy Chong.)
Yeah, I created my own word in my headline, bite me.
In our continuing effort to give Michael Phelps as much crap as humanly possible, CNN gave us a little help with this news: Phelps, after being banned from competitive swimming for three months, is also losing some of his sponsors (as well as brain cells), including Kellogg.
This comes as no surprise to anyone, even after the initial surprise that Phelps’ photo wasn’t taken of him using a gravity bong in a swimming pool.
The “squares” in Washington and the clergy have been trying to warn you youngsters, but clearly you haven’t paid attention: marijuana is a dangerous, dangerous drug and nobody is immune to its ill effects.
The American hero was minding his own business, making a publicity/inspirational appearance at the University of South Carolina. He found himself at a party, enjoying records and talking to nice girls.
All of a sudden, in walks Steve, an English major, who offers everyone a “party favor” from his “magic party vase.” Steve’s a nice guy and really into art and clothes; who would suspect that he was on a suicide terrorist mission to destroy the lives of all his friends and Michael Phelps?
(We would. Also, Steve’s clearly gay.)
Marijuana works against the body like so:
The smoke is inhaled into the lungs, where it is sent with oxygen to the brain.
THC, a chemical in the smoke, makes the brain go wonky and creates the world’s most longest, most annoying jam music.
Adults find out you’ve been smoking marijuana and get angry.
You go to jail for contributing to the estates of the surviving Grateful Dead.
So, for the love of God and America, don’t get caught smoking marijuana. The parents will never shut up about it.
Now that it’s over, 2008 was one of the most memorable years for sports. Given that all sports have memories, and until Armageddon we’ll continue to have years, I guess you could say that for any year really. But 2008 was special. It brought us Roger Clemens and Plaxico Burress shooting themselves in the ass and leg, respectively. It brought us the second full season of Michael Vick-free football while he was in the dog bighouse. It gave us Scott Boras coming out of his shell as Satan. So in case you were busy growing a beard and dodging US troops in Afghanistan, odds are you missed it.
One Giant catch, one Patriot meltdown In easily the best Super Bowl of all-time, the heavily favored New England Patriots fell to the mighty underdog New York Giants. Down 14-10 in the fourth quarter, Elisha Manning led a touchdown drive that cemented David Tyree in Super Bowl lore, and resulted in Plaxico Burress thinking gun permits were just polite suggestions. The resulting touchdown led to a 17-14 upset, as well as year-long gripefest from Bryan McBournie and Bill Simmons about how the Patriots had only won three Lombardi Trophies this decade. Continue reading Eat My Sports: You Missed It