You Missed It: Calling it quits edition

You missed You Missed It, and You Missed It missed you, too. I hope all of you American readers out there enjoyed the day off. As for the international readers, well, too bad for you. If you were busy emerging out of Chapter 11 this week, odds are you missed it.

Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell is a hockey mom, too
We were off on Friday, as was the rest of the country. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin knew it, too. That’s why she made the “gotcha media” show up in her back yard for a rambling announcement that she is stepping down from her post for the last 16 months of her term. Palin will step down at the end of the month to get back to her roots–feeling victimized and retooling her condescension.

Not an Olympic year
Real American Hero Lance Armstrong finished third in the seventh leg of the Tour de France, which is Spanish for “Tour of France on a bicycle.” Armstrong, whose blood is in fact red, white and blue, is chasing his 8th title in the month-long race. Meanwhile, Michael Phelps set a record in the butterfly event, and Honduras just won some international soccer tournament. There, I just saved you hours watching sports you don’t care about.

This was intentionally placed last
Insane Passionate fans bade farewell to the King of Pop in Los Angeles earlier this week. In a massive ceremony, Jackson’s family urged for money, as the spectacle they created cost the bankrupt city $1.4 million. Don’t worry, Joe Jackson will be putting Jacko’s kids on tour in no time. They’ll work if they don’t want to be hit, right, Joe?

You Missed It: Eye in the sky edition

Sorry we missed each other last week. I had some work to do on sunny beaches of Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. You know how it is. I know you missed me, which is why I couldn’t tell you where I was going and let you follow me. I needed to concentrate on my work. But now I am back and we can can get down to business. If you were busy taking a break from your vows of celibacy, odds are you missed it.

Hubble gets an oil change, tire rotation every 5,000 orbits
Space Shuttle Atlantis blasted off this week on a mission to do some maintenance work on the Hubble Space Telescope. Astronauts are performing the work during a series of space walks. What they aren’t telling you is that they are really just readjusting the telescope so it can track the movements of that paranoid guy sitting at the end of your favorite bar, according to his ramblings. NASA has not confirmed or denied the claims as of yet.

If you ask me, she’s probably a controlling woman
Apparently Jon Gosselin was caught possibly cheating on his wife, Kate Gosselin last week and this week Kate could be cheating as well. This is bad news, because they have 10 children and a lot of paparazzi cameras pointed at them. Interview after interview has alluded to the possibility of ending their marriage. In other news, who the hell and Jon and Kate Gosselin?

Phelps released back into the wild
His suspension up, Olympic hero and part time stoner Michael Phelps got back in the pool Friday. Swimming, easily the most popular sport in the U.S., seems to have welcomed him back, too. Phelps said he was happing to be racing again, but what he really needed right then was to shower and change then head to this totally sick party his friend was hosting. Phelps said plenty of alcohol and loose women would be available.

UPDATE: Michael Phelps avoids drug charges

Richland (South Carolina) County Sheriff Leon Lott said that he will not press marijuana charges against Michael Phelps. The swimmer exonerated himself by not admitting that he was smoking marijuana in the picture.

This is a relief for Phelps, but he didn’t emerge from this unaffected. He gave this statement to the youth:

“For me, it’s all about recognizing that I used bad judgment and it’s a mistake I won’t make again. For young famous people especially — be careful about the decisions you make. One bad decision can really hurt your income and the companies you endorse.

OK, that’s a paraphrase, but when was the last time a single use of marijuana harmed a non-celebrity?

Not addicting, but got you by the balls

Medical researchers are experimenting with a new hypothesis that is sure to make Snoop Dogg sweat: does smoking marijuana increase the risk of testicular cancer?

So far, the answer is a very scientific “Idunno,” but they’re working on it.

But that’s not to say that every scientist is gung-ho about it. Some are calling the connection “a tenuous one,” especially considering the type of nut cancer they’re investigating has not increased over the past 35 years. We don’t have audio of this quote, so we can’t verify whether the source– Steve Shoptaw, “a professor in the department of family medicine and psychiatry at UCLA” — sounded anything like your freshman year roommate. (Think Tommy Chong.)

Should this hypothesis become fruitful, this is great news for Michael Phelps: testicular cancer improved the career of Lance Armstrong.

Bonger ripped

Yeah, I created my own word in my headline, bite me.

In our continuing effort to give Michael Phelps as much crap as humanly possible, CNN gave us a little help with this news: Phelps, after being banned from competitive swimming for three months, is also losing some of his sponsors (as well as brain cells), including Kellogg.

This comes as no surprise to anyone, even after the initial surprise that Phelps’ photo wasn’t taken of him using a gravity bong in a swimming pool.

Reefer madness destroys Olympic Gold Medalist

The “squares” in Washington and the clergy have been trying to warn you youngsters, but clearly you haven’t paid attention: marijuana is a dangerous, dangerous drug and nobody is immune to its ill effects.

Even the greatest young people aren’t immune to its devil charms. Michael Phelps, the gazillion-time Olympic Gold Medalist, may face pot charges after a photo of him smoking a marijuana pipe reached the Internet.

The American hero was minding his own business, making a publicity/inspirational appearance at the University of South Carolina. He found himself at a party, enjoying records and talking to nice girls.

All of a sudden, in walks Steve, an English major, who offers everyone a “party favor” from his “magic party vase.” Steve’s a nice guy and really into art and clothes; who would suspect that he was on a suicide terrorist mission to destroy the lives of all his friends and Michael Phelps?

(We would. Also, Steve’s clearly gay.)

Marijuana works against the body like so:

  1. The smoke is inhaled into the lungs, where it is sent with oxygen to the brain.
  2. THC, a chemical in the smoke, makes the brain go wonky and creates the world’s most longest, most annoying jam music.
  3. Adults find out you’ve been smoking marijuana and get angry.
  4. You go to jail for contributing to the estates of the surviving Grateful Dead.

So, for the love of God and America, don’t get caught smoking marijuana. The parents will never shut up about it.

Eat My Sports: You Missed It

Now that it’s over, 2008 was one of the most memorable years for sports. Given that all sports have memories, and until Armageddon we’ll continue to have years, I guess you could say that for any year really. But 2008 was special. It brought us Roger Clemens and Plaxico Burress shooting themselves in the ass and leg, respectively. It brought us the second full season of Michael Vick-free football while he was in the dog bighouse. It gave us Scott Boras coming out of his shell as Satan. So in case you were busy growing a beard and dodging US troops in Afghanistan, odds are you missed it.

One Giant catch, one Patriot meltdown
In easily the best Super Bowl of all-time, the heavily favored New England Patriots fell to the mighty underdog New York Giants. Down 14-10 in the fourth quarter, Elisha Manning led a touchdown drive that cemented David Tyree in Super Bowl lore, and resulted in Plaxico Burress thinking gun permits were just polite suggestions. The resulting touchdown led to a 17-14 upset, as well as year-long gripefest from Bryan McBournie and Bill Simmons about how the Patriots had only won three Lombardi Trophies this decade. Continue reading Eat My Sports: You Missed It

You Missed It: Skinny dip edition

As the summer winds down, people are getting out of dodge earlier and earlier (take me last week, for example). If you were busy this week counting the number of houses you own, odds are you missed it.

Fay not going away
Cuba and some other Caribbean islands got hit by Tropical Storm Fay this week and it was no big deal. It’s just a puny tropical storm, right? Wrong. Fay has been manhandling Florida (including the panhandle) for several days now, dropping amounts of rain better measured in feet than inches and causing tons of flooding. The good news in all this: the state is now back to its original form, as a huge swamp.

Jamaican Bolt-led team
Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt has run three races, won three gold medals and broken three world records–a feat which has never been done before. Analysts credit the runner’s long legs and speedy last name as natural reasons why he is so much faster than everyone else. Bolt’s next event is Showboating, which will air tonight.

Not Phelps’ Beard
In other Olympic news, U.S. swimmer Amanda Beard caused a stir this week when she said she would never date fellow Olympian Michael Phelps. Beard said (aside from the fact that he is really goofy looking), “Ewww, that is so nasty! … Come on, I have really good taste.” When one thinks good taste, one thinks of Beard. That’s why she posed nude for Playboy and unveiled a nude anti-fur ad at the Olympics.

Doesn’t “Obama-Kaine” sound like a prescription drug?
The nation is in a frenzy over who presumptive Democratic candidate Barack Obama will choose as his runningmate. Some say Jo Biden, some say Hillary Clinton, others say Tim Kaine. Obama is expected to announce his decision today, and he had better, otherwise television news channels will have to go cover the war or something. In one of his many houses John McCain is wondering why no one cares about his VP pick.