Fail shark to become newest internet meets real life

Let us paint you a picture: you’re sitting out with your buddies in the ocean. You’ve been spear-fishing, searching for some primo lobster and just all around having a good time. I mean, these days, if you can get a little bit of enjoyment out of the peaceful things in life, then that’s a delightfully good thing, right? Besides, it’s not like you’re really doing any harm. In fact, one might even say that as the day is starting to close, it’s been a really good one.

And then, it happens. A bull shark, violating all known and documented characteristics of its nature and physical ability, leaps out of the water, into the air and right into your boat. You’ve done nothing to it, but that doesn’t mean the monster won’t stop gnashing and tearing with its deadly mouth full of multiple rows of razor-sharp teeth. Eventually, reality catches up with the monster, and it finally ceases to exist as a living creature-but the damage is done. Granted, the actual damage done by the fish’s flopping body is minor in nature, but the metaphysical damage is much greater. It will leap out of the water and into your boat for no damn reason at all. If this picture sounds familiar, then you are clearly Michael Powers.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is an unmitigated and completely unprovoked attack upon our own race! We cannot allow this to continue, as flying fish are clearly working in league with sharks to teach them how to use their own techniques for the destruction of mankind. Frankly, it’s time for only one course of action-shark fin sandwiches.