I’m not really a big Halloween guy. It’s not because I’m in my 30s and its a little weird for people my age to dress up in costumes. I’ve been this way at least since high school. When I was a kid, Halloween was great. I got to wear a costume of my choosing, I got tons of candy, and there were pumpkins to carve. Now it just seems like a hassle. Finding a costume is the problem. Either you make one yourself by shopping around, or you pay a ton for a crappy pre-made thing. I always look forward to the day after Halloween so I can read about all the people who wore clearly inappropriate costumes. If you were busy claiming you had sex with Prince this week, odds are you missed it.
WHO ruins everything for everyone
The World Health Organization released a report this week linking processed meats, such as ham, bacon and hot dogs, with colon and stomach cancer. A second report release found that about two-thirds of people under 50 have some form of herpes. But really, who cares? If the internet’s bacon craze is any indicator, we’re all going to die of cancer in a few years.
Racing Johnny Carson would be better
It was announced this week that Universal Studios Orlando will open a ride featuring Jimmy Fallon in 2017. The move is seen as corporate synergy at its best. The ride is supposed to be a race with the Tonight Show host through the streets of New York, but probably with less profanity than the real thing. Like the show, all the “spontaneous” moments will have been choreographed, and no one will think Fallon is funnier than he will. Just try not to fall down and hurt yourself, Jimmy.
Wrestling moves in our schools
This week, a school resource officer in South Carolina was caught on video throwing a teenage student out of her chair when she refused to leave a classroom. And a video at a school in California showed a large student fight, during which the principal is body slammed. Man, Michelle Obama’s Let Move campaign is really connecting with kids.
U.S. First Lady Michelle Obama has launched yet another salvo to get Americans to eat a goddamn vegetable, just one, you lazy, unfit pieces of eligible voters. But, rather than suggest something that people have tried and don’t like, she’s trying to mystify meatavores with a new vegetable. The First Lady wants you to “turn-up for a turnip.”
Yes, the turnip. That purplish thing in salads that slides neatly through fork tines and makes up 1/4 of all rats diets in Ruby Tuesday dumpsters.
And of all the vegetables, this was probably the best one for a bumper sticker slogan. Although, who’s to say that the following won’t roll out in the near future?
If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.
Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.
Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.
The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2013 edition
I’ve mentioned this before, but when my team is in the playoffs, it’s a pretty hectic week for me. It’s not because I’m nervous of fretting, or can’t think about anything else. It’s that I have to watch the entire game, regardless of what time I have to get up. Even more so for the Red Sox, because when I drink, they play better. This makes functioning the rest of the time a bit more challenging. My point is, if this ends up not being in English, you know why. If the Rams asked you to come out of retirement this week, odds are you missed it.
Uh oh, Germany’s mad
This week, it was leaked that U.S. spy agencies may have tapped German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s cell phone. It’s the latest in a series of revelations that America is spying on its allies. Merkel called President Barack Obama to discuss her concerns. He apologized for the incident, and said that he was really just trying to experience Oktoberfest vicariously through her because Michelle won’t let him go.
The candidate who won’t narc on you
Maryland Attorney General Doug Gansler, who is running for governor found himself in an unwanted spotlight this week when photos surfaced of him at a party where there was underage drinking going on. The photos, from earlier this year, show Gansler, who is fairly easy to spot, in a crowd of teenagers in swimsuits and holding cups. In one picture, he’s holding up his phone. This is true: Gansler said he was not taking a photo of the party, in fact, he doesn’t even know how to use the camera on his smartphone.
Enter ice man
It was announced this week that Metallica will play a show in Antarctica this December. The concert is being done as part of a deal with Coca Cola, and will include an eight-day cruise with the band members. The band said they are excited to play Antarctica, because they have heard that penguins are big metalheads, and they want to shake a glacier loose by rocking so hard.
As further rumors of a deal in Congress to end the government shutdown and avoid the nation defaulting on its loans continue to circulate, we get a reminder of how vulnerable we are right now.
Because there’s no operating budget for the federal government, there’s no one to keep our elected officials safe from our animal foes. Not even at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, D.C. 20500. Turns out there’s a fox living on the White House grounds. It’s been seen near the kitchen garden planted by Michelle Obama. No one’s been able to catch it yet, because that costs money.
People, the animals know we are weak right now. Stay vigilant. Our leaders don’t have our backs.
U.S. politics is in a very strange place these days. If anyone thought back in 2008 that by 2013, drinking water would be a partisan issue, then they are sorcerers who must be burned immediately.
But, that’s where we are now. As first lady, Michelle Obama has taken controversial stands on eating healthy foods, exercising and now — to the dismay of certain conservative commentators who make a living off rage — drinking more water.
Well, that is a bridge too far. The very notion that anyone suggest maybe, occasionally drinking a glass of water just supports socialist programs like Big Water Treatment, eco-terrorists and their clean water campaigns and the leftist glass and Maoist cup industry. (Are we doing this right?)
So, if you really, really hate the Obamas, then here’s how you can stay ahead of their liberal agenda: stop breathing. We have it on good authority that the president and his family just can’t get enough air. In fact, they can’t go an exhale without sucking in more. And if you hold your breath until the 2016 election, then maybe President Obama and his water-pedaling family will finally move out of the White House.
At this point, I’m almost certain that Colorado is the worst place to live. I know it’s big and diverse and beautiful and everything, but nature doesn’t want you there, and it’s not shy about it. Let’s just take a few examples from this year alone. First off, having snow storms in May is reason enough to move. Then you’ve got the wildfires that we heard about all summer long. Now, those areas are getting pounded by rain, and because there aren’t any trees, the runoff is causing flooding. That is clearly the wrath of an angry God. If you were busy serving on the same jury as Tom Hanks this week, odds are you missed it.
The drums of war skip a beat
This week, the Obama administration continued to make its case for military action in Syria, but said it was open to diplomatic solutions. When the Democrats want war and the Republicans don’t, and Russia seems like the most reasonable guy at the table, something’s wrong. On top of this, Ed Asner said celebrities aren’t expressing their anti-war views because they don’t want to seem “anti-black.” So that’s what it takes to shut them up.
Ice cubes count as water
First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled her newest campaign: getting kids to drink more water. While it’s probably aimed at just getting them not to drink as much soda, the “Drink Up” campaign also kind of sounds like the first lady wants to turn the nation’s youth into alcoholics as early as possible. Then again, if they’re hung over, kids are far more likely to drink lots of water.
Orangutans call ahead
According to a new study, male orangutans will often make loud calls at night in the direction they plan to travel the next morning. Scientists say it’s evidence that primates can plan far ahead, and let others know about their plans. It’s also evidence that male orangutans just want to get out for a little while and blow off some steam, but if they don’t check in, their wives are all, “Where have you been? You smell like that whore a couple trees down!” So I sez to her–ah never mind. Pour me another drink, Mac!
You have probably heard a bit about President Barack Obama’s date nights with, in breaking with a proud presidential tradition, his wife. Unless you live in the Washington, D.C. area, trust me, you’re not hearing the half of it. Obama loves going out on the town, even having strolls around the White House grounds with Michelle.
Some people are making a big deal out of this. (Democrats: “Aren’t they just so wholesome and romantic? It’s like the return of Camelot!”) (Republicans: “How DARE he spend time on his marriage? Taxpayer money is for overpaying on unsolicited government contracts!”) (Celebrity followers: “OHMYGOD, THERE THEY ARE!!!”) Even comedians like Jon Stewart are saying the 44th president is making him look bad in the eyes of his wife.
But what everyone seems to be missing is the point: I am better than Barack Obama.
Sure, reading about Batman or Spider-man, or whatever Japanese crap Chugs reads, can be really entertaining, but let’s face it, you can only watch Peter Parker give Doc Ock a money shot to the sunglasses with web fluid so many times. What if–what if we could watch Secretary of State Hillary Clinton give that money shot instead?
Now you can do just that.
Bluewater Productions, a Washington, D.C. based publisher is releasing a line of comic books (most likely one-shots) about strong, independent females in politics. Supposedly, it’s about their life stories. You can watch each woman battle with her arch-nemesis. In Clinton’s case, the vast right-wing conspirators, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin will Palinize the gotcha media, Michelle Obama does battle with her husband’s shadow and Caroline Kennedy fights off reports she is cheating on her husband and withdraws her bid for a seat in the Obama cabinet.
There may even be talk of a comic book featuring Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, which would be a great move, if you ask us. Villains need there own books now and then.