Man covered in blood says it’s from Santa Claus

There may actually not be a Christmas this year. Santa Claus may be injured or dead.

In Michigan, a man was found wandering around outside a gas station covered in blood and holding a piece of meat. (No, that’s not the punchline, we’re not that dark.) Authorities say that before they arrived on the scene, the man ran off to his mobile home nearby. They found him because there was a trail of blood leading right to his door. There was even blood on the door itself. Police say Roy Purple, 62, was visibly drunk, and said that the blood on the door was from Santa Claus.

This alarming response was brushed off by police, who arrested Purple on resisting an officer after he lunged at a cop. All too eager to explain a possible murder of Chris Kringle away, authorities say they believe the blood was from a deer hit by a car nearby. The head was cut off and found near Purple’s home.

Can we get a welfare check on Santa?

Michigan fish doing the Dew after soda spill

We take our water for granted. At best, we assume it will the bland, colorless, tasteless liquid that is somehow acceptable to both drink and bathe in. But what if we could make it more awesome?

In Livingston County, Michigan, local waterways are now heavily caffeinated after a massive spill of Mountain Dew syrup at a bottling plant. A tank holding the syrup, which is added to fizzy water to make soda, burst, allowing 7,200 gallons of it to make it down the drain and into a retention pond. Because the syrup mixed with water, it is now technically Mountain Dew.

Look out, Flint. Your water supply is about to become EXTREME.

Bank teller walks away from would-be robber

It seems like every week we hear about more humans losing their jobs because of automation (read: robots). How can a human that expects pay possibly compete with machine slave labor? The answer is in banking.

Thanks to ATMs, the only reason people actually walk into a bank anymore is to rob it, but a bank teller in Detroit was having none of it. According to reports, a man walked into a bank in suburban Detroit and handed the teller a note saying that he was armed. The bank teller simply walked away, forcing the would-be robber to leave empty-handed.

The inefficiency of the American worker thwarted a bank robbery. Meanwhile, you can empty an ATM with nothing but a drill and a gadget you can make for $15. We win this round.

Is there booze in your chicken nuggets?

Chicken nuggets are the food of choice for small child and lazy bachelor alike. They provide just enough meat under all that breading to make us feel like we’re eating something of substance. But in light of Subway’s chicken only being half chicken, are we sure that our chicken is really chicken?

In Michigan, a county commissioner blamed chicken nuggets for his DUI arrest. According to authorities, Montcalm County Commissioner Jeremy Miller was pulled over for speeding, and tested for a 0.14 BAC. When he was arrested for driving under the influence, he said it was “because I was being stupid, those damn chicken nuggets.”

This begs the question, what if there really was booze in the man’s chicken nuggets? Where can you order these things? Can you make them at home, like you inject vodka into watermelons? The world must know.

Foxes cut fuel lines, parrot frames woman

Every day you’re in danger of being attacked by animals. But even then, it’s with their teeth and claws. Now, animals are using their brains to get you.

Drivers in one town in England are in danger, because foxes keep eating their brake lines. Authorities say the foxes in Tunbridge Wells are to blame for biting the brake lines on at least six different cars. Police warn that the foxes have acquired a taste for brake fluid, but it’s pretty obvious that’s just a cover. They are trying to kill people without having to do the work themselves.

In Michigan, a woman is being investigated in her husband’s murder after the couple’s pet African grey parrot repeated an argument and the sound of a gunshot. Police believed at first that someone broke in and shot the couple, killing the husband and injuring the wife. But the parrot’s testimony has them wondering if the woman shot her husband during an argument.

We don’t need to tell you the obvious. The parrot is trying to frame the woman, and likely shot the two people itself.

Spider tricks man into setting car on fire

This also took care of any nearby ants.
This also took care of any nearby ants.

Flames are generally the best way to eliminate any animal threat on land, but the smartest of our beastly enemies can use this information against us. Such a thing happened in Michigan.

According to reports, a spider sat on a car’s gas cap and waited until the owner needed to refuel. When the driver discovered the spider at a gas station, he used his lighter to kill the spider, and fell right into the arachnid’s trap. A fire erupted at the fuel pump, causing damage to the man’s car and the station itself. Luckily, it was put out before causing an explosion.

We may never know whether he got that spider.

Mich. lawmaker tries the ol’ fake male prostitute trick

When is a sex scandal not a sex scandal? When it’s a decoy.

Michigan state Rep. Todd Courser is a Christian, socially conservative Republican and a married father of four. So when an email surfaced suggesting that he bought the services of a male prostitute, eyebrows were raised–especially when it was revealed that Courser and faked and released the email himself. Turns out that he faked paying for gay sex to cover up an affair with state Rep. Cindy Gamrat, who is also married, has three children and is vocal about her faith. Courser’s logic was that after rumors about a male prostitute got out there, news of hetero-lawmaker-on-hetero-lawmaker action would seem tame.

The real tragedy here is that every time an official fakes a gay sex scandal, it casts a shadow of doubt on all the genuine gay sex scandals out there.

The few literate Louisianians want Bible named state book

If all you know about Louisiana is what you’ve seen on TV, you probably think it’s a state full of rednecks, perverts, corrupt officials, more rednecks, Steven Seagal, and vampires pretty much everywhere you look. You may not be far off, but there’s so much more to the state.

Just look at how its state legislature is trying to better the lives of its citizenry. When they’re not refusing to take a homophobic, unconstitutional law off the books, state lawmakers are busy blurring the line separating church and state in other ways. The Louisiana House of Representatives is considering a bill that would make the Bible the official state book. Though some lawmakers warn such a bill could lead to First Amendment lawsuits if passed, supporters say making the official book of Christianity the official book of Louisiana doesn’t discriminate against other religions.

In case you’re wondering, no U.S. state has an official book, but two states have official children’s books. Michigan has a book you’ve never heard of, and Massachusetts, that bastion of conservative thought, has Make Way for Ducklings, which is seen by critics as a piece of Zionist propaganda.

The McBournie Minute: 3 of the biggest ways animals threaten our existence

With fall firmly in place in the Northern Hemisphere, it seems reasonable to think that the War on Animals is going to start winding down for the year. But that would assume that our animal foes are reasonable. Rather than slowing things down, they’re going into high gear, in one big push before they all go into hibernation for the winter.

I don’t need to remind you, dear reader, of the threat posed by every single animal that exists on this planet. The numerous species are working in concert to overthrow we humans as the rulers of Earth. One would think such a goal would be easily accomplished, since we are so outnumbered, but we are ever-vigilant, and animals are dumber than we give them credit for.

Do your part, and get caught up on the latest threats to civilization as we know it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: 3 of the biggest ways animals threaten our existence

Is your pint really a pint?

Folks, for too long, the American people have been getting fleeced. They spend their hard-earned money, and expect to get what they pay for, only to be swindled. Michigan is looking to take a stand for those who belly up to the bar.

A bill being considered in the state House would prevent bars and restaurants from the dirty practice of offering “pints” that are really only 12 fluid ounces. (We don’t need to tell you fine drinkers that a pint is 16.) The Guys would like to see a law like this get adopted nationwide.

Or, you could do what we do, and make friends with the bartenders and get free drinks.