It’s the gift that eventually stops giving

Hey, married people!

  • Do you live in or near Southfield, Michigan (and only in Michigan)?
  • Do you believe in the Chris Brown philosophy of relationships?
  • Do you and your spouse hate each other with the fury of a thousand suns?
  • Do you think dating someone else would be preferable to the situation you’re in now?
  • Do you want to save some money?
  • Are you really good with the written word?

Then you need to contact the Law Offices of Walter H. Bentley III, PLLC now. One lucky couple will be given a divorce, no fees required. Act fast!

Sheriff wants inside inside clothes rather than outside inside clothes

Robert Pickell, the sheriff of Flint, Michigan, has decided that it’s time to paraphrase the famous words of George Bush, and thus: “No new underwear.”

His decision has been prompted by recent actions of inmates to traffic drugs and illegal paraphernalia. Newly jailed individuals had beforehand restitched and sewn up female undergarments so that they would now contain pockets to bring in baggies of China White. As such, outside undergarments have been banned from being brought as gifts to inmates in the Genesee County Jail.

Sadly, Pickell’s decision is misplaced. Instead of focusing on the underwear, he should be focusing on conspiracy of evil seamstresses that has now arisen, ready to overthrow our legal system and create a fortune with their illicit lingerie.

Bullying is kind of religion’s thing

The Michigan Senate passed an anti-bullying bill, yet the father of the boy for whom the bill was named is unhappy, proving you just can’t please some people.

Kevin Epling, whose son Matt Epling killed himself in 2002 after being bullied, objects to a last minute addition to the bill by Republican senators that forbids schools from prohibiting any “statement of a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction.” Epling believes this means that any old bully can still harass their fellow students and hide behind their religion.

But, Epling isn’t a Republican, so he just doesn’t understand why it’s important to protect, say, Muslim students declaring a jihad against Christian or Jewish classmates. Or vegan students threatening any student who participates in Biology lad dissections. What is Epling, anyway? Anti-La Raza or something?

Seriously, what a pussy. (Which we can say as a tenet of our Seventh Day Aggravist faith.)

Michigan girls attempt to get Greenpeace merit badge

Two girl scouts in Michigan have begun project to make cookies more friendly for the planet, all in an attempt to cut down on deforestation. As a result, the national organization has decided to cut down on palm oil.

This is fine and dandy, but listen to me Girl Scouts of America: you can cut down on your palm oil amount, but you better not cut down on your “Peanut Butter Patties and Samoas/Coconut Delights that make their way to Chris” amount.

If Bruce Springsteen had a sweet tooth, this would already have been a song.

Pastor fires premature celebratory shots

Controversial Pastor Terry Jones, who torched a Koran in his church’s backyard to goad his Middle Eastern equivalents to riot in Afghanistan, has courageously traveled to Dearborn, Mich.

He heard there are a lot of Muslims he could protest there, but not the scary ones that kill antagonistic white Christian bigots.

In fact, Terry’s so mantastically badass that he accidentally fired a gun, which he believed he would still need for protection, in his car.

Don’t worry, though: our Christian warrior missed his what-must-be-tremendous balls.

12 Angry Haley Joel Osments

Despite two dissenting votes, the U.S. Supreme Court has definitively ruled that a jury can hear dead people.

Actually, they decided that a witness’s dying words are now admissible in court, which means attorneys finally have a case against those drapes that killed Oscar Wilde.


Facebook and the legal system: they’re like oil and water, as the two combined just don’t mix. I know that. You know that. That hobo sitting with a jar full of bum wine knows that.

So why didn’t anyone tell Hadley Jons that?

Jons, a Michigan juror for a resisting arrest trial, decided that her mind was made up regarding the verdict. Unfortunately, the prosecution hadn’t quite finished its case yet. Double unfortunately, she decided to let her Facebook friends (and thereby, everyone on the internet) know exactly what her verdict was. That’s not what we call a smart decision.

The defense attorney subsequently let the judge know about this once the information was revealed. Jons was removed from the case and could potentially face some time in a jail cell (if the defense attorney has anything to say about it). While it’s probably increasingly difficult in this day and age to find an unbiased jury due to how plugged in everyone is, you’re kind of supposed to take the whole justice thing a bit seriously in the first place.

Wal-Mart fires inept employees?

You wouldn’t know it by walking in one, but Wal-Mart has employment standards. They proved it by firing Joseph Casias, 2008’s Associate of the Year.

How had Casias fallen so far in only a year? Marijuana.

Well, also cancer, living in Michigan and a prescription for marijuana from his doctor.

But still: Joseph Casias is a reefer addict, and The Store That Sam Built can’t abide junkies jeopardizing “the safety of its customers and associates.” (They will continue to sell three-day old hot dogs to stoner customers, however.)

And just in case you aren’t on the exploitative global corporations’ side yet, guess who’s leading the fight against them? The ACLU. We’re not saying you’re wrong for agreeing with the ACLU per se, just that God may not be able to tell the difference when you die.

Stupak is as Stupak does

Just when Democrats are showing signs of finally working around obstructionist Republicans over health care reform, Democrats are tripping over their own shoes again. Rep. Bart Stupak, D-Mich., wants the reform bill to ban all funding for abortion–including by private insurers–or he and 11 other reps won’t vote for it.

Abortion, a legal medical procedure, isn’t popular. We’re with Supak: we don’t like it. Let’s force people to pay for it out of their own pockets.

But that’s not the only procedure we have a problem with. We’d also like to see stringent language ban funding for:

  • Gynecology: In a way, isn’t it just gloved finger-rape of our wives and girlfriends?
  • Chemotherapy: Bald, sickly people give us the heebie-jeebies.
  • All Cancer Treatment in General: Almost all cancers are lifestyle-induced. How can we know if someone didn’t get cancer from smoking or kicking puppies?

As you can see, we are very morally opposed to these treatments. We’re so opposed, in fact, that rather than introduce a bill to make them illegal, we’d rather just charge the people who get them.

Great Lakes gone to carp

The press is buzzing with what must be the most spell-checked story in the War on Animals. According to Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, the federal government is not doing enough to fight carp.

Gov. Granholm–along with the governors of Ohio, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin (commonly referred to as “the carp states”)–has asked the White House and the U.S. Supreme Court to shut Chicago-area locks. This strategy encloses the carp into a proverbial barrel for killing before they can reach the Great Lakes, which are only getting carpier and carpier by the minute.

Critics of the lock closing plan, including Assistant Secretary of the Army of Civil Works (the Fightin’ Civil Workers!) Jo-Ellen Darcy said the plan is total crap because the carp can still get pumped out of a Chicago station.

One thing’s for sure: unless we scoop these carp out of our water systems, we’ll be up to our armpits in it.