Foreign fish-the new illegal immigrant

The Supreme Court recently refused to issue an injunction in a case between Illinois and Michigan.

That’s not what we should be worried. The really crux of the problem is Asian carp. Yes, somehow, in the Midwest rivers of our great, American country, Asian carp have made their way into our land. Did they take a citizenship test? No. Do they pay any taxes at all? No. Do they even have the courtesy to speak our language? NO!

Now, listen-I’m just one man. But even I know when we’re clearly leaning on a slippery slope to pure communism thanks solely to the illegal immigration of Asian carp. You should be afraid because the ambassador to Atlantis is remaking America. He’s just not remaking it the way you thought he would. He’s just remaking it into a place that’s a whole lot crappier. Kind of a hybrid between Mu and Sea World. He’s taking the beacon of freedom and turning it into an apologetic, hey, what can you do for me, wannabe Chrodatan, spread the wealth, socialist wonderland. Teardrop.

He REALLY wanted to make his return

Oh retail. You provide us with so many wonderful stories.

Four cops in a Detroit suburb overpowered a 43-year-old man who tried to return an Xbox without a receipt at a Gamestop and, once rebuffed, got so pissed that he threatened to kill someone.

These days, “I’m gonna kill someone,” are usually the magic words for a big time police response. When the dissatisfied customer left to get something from his vehicle, police answered a 911 call and did something called “active shooter response.” After cuffing the guy, they only found a stun gun on him. Coincidentally enough, possession of a stun gun is illegal in Michigan. Book ’em, Dan-o.

For raising a ruckus, he now faces a felony for the stun gun and a disorderly conduct misdemeanor. Nice one, dude.

Just think of it as a complimentary bonus

It’s hard enough as it is to get the kids to eat their salad. But Tracy Grimes will have an even tougher time getting her 4 and 8 year-old kids to nibble their greens after she found a tree frog in a bag of romaine lettuce she bought from a Kroger supermarket in Michigan recently.

Grimes decided to keep the frog (still in the bag of lettuce, mind you) for three days in the garage, stored in a paper bag. While the children wanted to keep the frog as a pet, the family released it into their backyard. Kroger spokesman Dale Hollandsworth offered the Grimes family an apology and said the store would replace the romaine lettuce. He offered his backyard pond as a potential home for the frog.

We here at SG can only hope that the backyard pond is full of acid. Stop trying to infiltrate our food, animals! We’ll eat you when we’re good and ready!

These colors don’t run up a tree

We all think of squirrels as enemies, but mostly because they try to make us crash our cars. It’s human instinct to swerve when you see something dart into the road in front of you. Squirrels know this, and they prey upon us.

But one Michigan squirrel has taken things to a new level. He lives at a graveyard and steals American flags left at the graves of our heroes then makes a nest out of them. The grave robbing part is bad enough, but stealing the most sacred symbol of of our country, dragging it along the ground and making a home out of it is too much to bare.

Looks like it’s nest burnin’ time!

Dog gets blown away

You’d think if someone had the audacity to name a chihuahua “Tinker Bell,” losing the little puffer to 70-mph winds would probably be a sign that you made a bad choice. However, a Michigan woman was reunited with her pup after a pet psychic helped her find the dog.

The rescue isn’t the issue though, the animals have psychics. Obviously proving that they are trying to use mind control to enslave us. Somewhere Doc Brown is kicking himself for making the helmet with the lights on it.

Shagging a sheep does not make someone a sex offender

But, man oh man, is it still ever just wrong. And outside of West Virginia no less? Unheard of.

A court ruled this week that a man who sodomized a sheep will not have to register as a sex offender because the sheep cannot be considered a victim of sexual assault under Michigan law. We hope that after the injured livestock gets back on her feet she organizes a protest—or at least buys the dude a box of inflatable sheep sex dolls, or maybe just becomes an anti-bestiality activist.

The guys can only hope that the man was using some truly brutal interrogation techniques on such an obvious war-time opponent. After all, love cannot bloom on the battlefield.

‘I’d like to ass you a question’

13 lacrosse players were suspended from Huron High School in Ann Arbor, Mich., for a … cheeky shenanigan. They wrote a prom invitation to Carolyn Campbell across their hineys, the last several asking “Yes or No?,” for Kristoff Wennersten.

In response, she chose not to make Wennersten the butt of the joke and patted his tookhas, which was marked as “yes.” (You can’t spell “Wennersten” without “wenner.”)

However, scores of other parents, who were waiting for Kristoff to ask them, felt rebuffed and complained to Huron High. An anonymous source says that one mother called the situation “sh–ty.”

Brew and a haircut, two bits

It is a sad day in Michigan. Once again, activist judges are trying to keep people from their favorite pass time: drinking. But what’s worse is that now they are issuing rulings that threaten free enterprise.

There are 11 Jude’s Barbershops in the Grand Rapids area, and thanks to a court ruling, now none of them can give a free beer with a shave or a haircut. The state’s attorney general said the barbershops need a liquor license in order to give out the free brew.

In totally unrelated news, Grand Rapids area men are now getting hairier for no apparent reason.

Bet this Wal-Mart doesn’t have a Cost Cutters

Speaking of ethnic stereotypes, Wal-Mart has customized its Dearborn, MI location to cater to the large Arab-American population there.

It’s the same old Wal-Mart, but with some Middle-Eastern touches.  Instead of greeting shoppers with “Have a nice day,” greeters say “Salaam.”  The deli replaced cole slaw with humus.  And, of course, the NASCAR driver endorsements are gone.

Remember, it’s easier to buy the world a Coke when they’re two six-packs for $2.

State of the Sops

We begin this post with some very sad news from abroad. German beer sales are at their lowest in the past 15 years. Analysts are saying this means the German population is losing touch with its proud, beer-drinking culture. However, this blog suspects the Germans are merely busy preparing for other things. This blog suggests building and then tearing down a new Berlin Wall, so the Krauts have something to celebrate.

Now let’s head over to the States, where American drunkards refuse to let their need to bend an elbow get in the way of being responsible. A Wisconsin 911 operator, who no doubt is used to getting all kinds of unusual phone calls, got one that sets a new standard in drunken whoopsies: a drunk dial. A woman drunk dialed 911 saying she was took intoxicated to be driving. She said this as she drove along in her truck. Wonder how the cops knew to look for her?

“The woman’s boyfriend in the passenger seat suggested she call 911 to report her own drunken driving, so she did, Nehls said. The boyfriend was not driving, she said, because he was too drunk.”

Continue reading State of the Sops