Wildlife criminals round up

Oh, you thought we were done with the animal news earlier? My friend, those that would attempt to harm the human race come in more than just the carnivore flavor.

A creation of mankind (because the donkey and the zebra sure as shoot ain’t gonna breed themselves), the zonkey, decided to rear its ugly head and take a bite out of crime.

And by crime, I mean the foot of painter James Oleson. Which actually makes the hybrid beast the criminal. Why did it do so? Probably because it’s an animal and would kill you if it had the chance.

Of course, we’re not done yet. A New China restaurant in Middletown, Pennsylvania, had to close for the day because a male deer jumped through the window, leaving many biohazards in the eatery and damaging valuable equipment. Sadly, this is not the first time that this has happened to the restaurant (premeditated assault, anyone?). Luckily though, no one was inside.

There is some good news for that story.

The deer did not survive the ordeal. Middletown police shot and killed the animal.

Police indeed found the deer and delivered the most beautiful form of justice possible-that of the swift variety.

Protip: Threatening suicide can get you arrested

Especially if you’re only rocking a Vorpal Blade of +5 constitution.

A teenager in Middletown, Ohio, learned that threatening to commit suicide while in a chat during a session of World of Warcraft can get you arrested. While talking with a Blizzard rep in-game, he made a phony threat, to which the rep quickly phoned in the faux call for help to police. The unnamed teen was promptly arrested on misdemeanor charges.

He was quoted as claiming, “The game is the only thing [I have] to live for.”

Seriously, WoW players? You make it far easier than I’d ever believe most of the time.