Good news, everyone of our target demographic reading this: you’re going to live longer than Justin Bieber. Miley Cyrus? You’re going to outlive her, too. In fact, every pop music star you can name, you’re going to bury them all.
No, we didn’t hire hit men or anything illegal unethical like that. A recent study found that being a pop star is bad your your health. In fact, it shortens your life expectancy by about 25 years. Mostly, it’s because young people aren’t equipped to handle their sudden rise to stardom, which leads to riskier behavior that is only encouraged as you get more famous.
It’s not really summer, but we’re all tricking ourselves into thinking it is. That’s fine with me I guess, I support any holiday where society collectively deceives itself. Earth Day is another example. For one day a year, we all act like we care about the environment and swear we’re going to recycle more and drive less. Companies get in on it by turning their logos green. Then we as a society go back to saying “Screw you, grandchildren!” a day later. If you were busy this week getting outraged about the title of an upcoming movie for the second time in a month, odds are you missed it.
Beatle has a bug
This week, Sir Paul McCartney fell ill while on tour, causing him to cancel several show dates. Spokespeople said McCartney, 71, will be back out touring again soon. According to reports, he is suffering from a viral infection. Paul, you’re too old to be partying with the kids, this is what happens when you hang out with Miley Cyrus.
Worst spring break ever
Kevin Spacey traveled to Mexico this week to meet with President Pena Nieto. The two ran into each other at a resort in Cancun during Tianguis Turistico, an international tourism conference. It was alleged that the Spacey was paid by the Mexican government to make the appearance, which caused outrage among many Mexicans. However, the most outraged was Nieto himself, when he later learned that Spacey is not the president of the U.S.
A big weekend for toilets
Beef was recalled in 10 different states earlier this week. It was reported that six different retail chains sold tainted beer. Then later, the Centers for Disease Control linked at least seven E. coli infections to sprouts, hummus, walnuts and several kinds of dips, which also prompted a recall. So stock up on toilet paper, America, you’re about to lose some weight over the long weekend!
As a human being who lives in the United States, I used Facebook. And Twitter. And occasionally read Web sites, even though those are so 2009 by now. And while the Internet has pretty much always been fueled by half-informed rage strokes, dating back to the earliest emails about some Wiccan kid refusing to stand up while a legless Vietnam vet pledges allegiance to the flag … it seemed like last year, we maybe got a little too outrageous.
That’s not to say that some outrage isn’t justified. Just that if we find new outrages every week, then we’re not really being socially conscious and trying to shame the world into being better. Really, we’re just demonstrating our advancing age and joining the older generations before us that devour all things Drudge and Fox News. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Let’s make 2014 less outrageous
Apparently we’re finally going to get a tropical storm to make landfall in the U.S. this year. To me, this hurricane season has been a lot like the summer movie season, it was projected to be an above-average year, but really, nothing meaningful ended up materializing. I feel bad, because I love a good hurricane. I feel bad, but I watch an oncoming storm with the same excitement as those guys on the Weather Channel. I’m kind of hoping something interesting head my way this year, if nothing else, it’s an excuse to stay inside and drink. If you were busy showing off your “proof” of Bigfoot this week, odds are you missed it.
Shutdown sequence initiated
As everyone had predicted all summer long, Congress was not able to come up with a budget for the new fiscal year, which means it had to shut down. Democrats claim a group of Republicans is holding the country hostage, while Republicans say if Democrats just give into their demands, nobody gets hurt. Everyone was able to come together and cheer this week when an honor flight of World War II veterans broke into their war’s closed memorial on the National Mall. It turned out to be a stunt by a few GOP lawmakers, who probably faced a lot of questions from the veterans about whether their Social Security checks will bounce.
This is going to get good
This week, Sinead O’Connor sent an open letter to walking Halloween costume Miley Cyrus, cautioning her against letting herself be “prostituted” by those around her and herself for the sake of show business. Swinging naked on a wrecking ball and licking a sledgehammer might not be sending the right message for the long haul. Noticeably absent from the letter was any plea for her to stop doing that stupid tongue thing and hanging out with giant teddy bears. However, if you’re getting told by the woman who put a personal ad on her own website that maybe you should tone it down, that’s got to be an eye-opener.
Road closed, find an alternate route
The FBI announced this week that it arrested the suspected operator of the black market site Silk Road and seized the site itself. Silk Road was a site where one could buy drugs and other illicit services, like murder for hire. The FBI said it brought down the site the same way the real Silk Road was ended — with the rise of the Ottoman Empire.
I’ll be honest with you, folks. I would much rather be outside enjoying my Friday and I’m sure you would, too. In my woods of the neck, or however the kids are saying it these days, it’s over 70 degrees outside. But still, there is work to be done, and there is it to be missed. If you were busy upsetting at the Grammys, odds are you missed it.
I’ll be impressed when it wins ‘American Idol’
IBM’s Watson computer competed against former champs Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter on Jeopardy!, this week, with the computer pretty much winning handily every time. The machine showed the depth of its referential knowledge when it selected “Famous Titties for $500.”
Worst of both worlds
In an interview, Billy Ray Cyrus said he regretted ever introducing his daughter to fame through Hannah Montana, saying that the show ruined his family. Cyrus said that his daughter, Miley, 18, is now potentially in a great deal of danger, and is surrounded by a lot of bad influences in her life. He said he feels powerless as a father to protect her from these dangers. It’s been 19 years since “Achy Breaky Heart” was released, but karma finally made its way back.
IKEA announced that it will be building its own wind farm in Sweden. When completed, the turbines will supply the company with enough energy to supply about 17 of its stores. In keeping with IKEA quality, the turbines will come in boxes with assembly required, and there’s a decent chance they will start falling apart in a few months.
Most of the Guys may be a little young to remember 1985-1986, the year when you couldn’t escape “We Are the World.” Well, I had to participate in several performances of it all the way up to 1989. (Some music experts credit elementary schools’ adoration of the song as the progenitor of “Kidz Bop.” Think about that.)
Ask.com the search engine that not many people use anymore, released the top ten questions asked of it this year. Shockingly, “How awesome is Bryan McBournie?” was left off the list. Nevertheless, according to my watch, there is still one month left to turn that around. I’m looking to you all out there to help this dream come true.
The questions are:
How much should I weigh?
How do I get out of debt fast?
How do I get pregnant?
What is Twitter?
What is Miley Cyrus’ phone number?
What is the meaning of life?
When will the world end?
How long does marijuana stay in your system?
What are the symptoms of Swine Flu?
What time is it?
Basically, we’re all fat, broke, desperate, confused, pederastic, existentialist, fatalist, reeferheaded, under the weather and somehow unable to see the damn clock that sits on the corner of our screens. Don’t worry, I have the answers here for you. You could stand to lose a few pounds. Sell drugs. You didn’t pay attention in high school, did you? It’s an interesting microblogging site old people call “The Twitter.” I don’t know it, but you know, everybody has those days. Whiskey. Several months, because of a significant half life. Coughing, headache, fever, chills, vomiting, diarrhea, and similar to excessive exposure to Glen Beck. It’s 9 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, now get a watch.
For the U.S. the 1990s was a time of relative peace. To borrow from Dickens, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was a time of oral sex in executive buildings and clear colas. It was a time of grunge and it was a time of Hanson. It was a time of the wild west Internet and it was a time of Y2K fears.
History looks back on the 1990s as yet another decade of self-indulgence. It marked for many the hastening of corporations to catch on to and exploit new trends with the youth, and it was also when gold rimmed glasses were in fashion (I should know). In comparison to the troubles found before and after it, the 1990s seem almost like a party–a party where you have to wear your pants baggy.
There was a time when I considered myself up on all the latest happenings in pop culture. I knew all the big players, all the latest news and gossip, and I knew it all because I could read the celebrity magazine headlines while my mom and I waited to put our groceries on the belt and check out. I was probably seven.
Since then, I can safely say I have focused more on what, rather than who, is cool. I pay attention to certain types of music and certain genres of movies. I watch certain types of shows with certain ads aimed at my demographic. Slowly over the years, it seems I have drifted farther and farther out of contact with what is “fresh,” as the kids say these days. I think.
Jamie Foxx issued a bizarre apology to Miley Cyrus on Jay Leno last night for comments he made about her last weekend. The apology caught most of the free world — and probably Cyrus — off guard because they were made on his Sirius satellite radio show, The Foxxhole.
Note to Sterling, Virginia readers: The Foxxhole is not to be confused with gay porn star/former high school wrestling coach Ty Fox’s Lair. But it sounds remarkably similar to be sure. (See you at the reunion, PVHS Class of 1999!)
The In Living Color alumnus apologized for a joke where he suggested Cyrus “get like Britney Spears and do some heroin. Do like Lindsay Lohan and start seeing a lesbian and get some crack in your pipe. Catch chlamydia on a bicycle seat.”
Foxx was forced to remind Leno’s audience that, when not winning Oscars as physically- or mentally-impaired black musicians, he is a comedian and will occassionally say things he doesn’t mean, like make fun of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan by advising Cyrus to act like them.
(Yeah, if you learned comedy from the Wayans, you might be confused about punchlines and targets, too.)
He also added, “Had I known Miley is — in fact — Hannah Montana, singing superstar, I never would have made that joke in the first place.”