This column was originally published on Sept. 26, 2016, and because of the comments of the president, it’s very relevant almost a year to the day. I am heartened to see the protests against police brutality on minorities rising to such a prominent level in the American debate. Now let’s remember how silly it is that people get upset when people take a knee to a song about a fort being bombarded.
Another week of the NFL is coming to a close, which means we have another round of reports and hot takes on the National Anthem, and who did and didn’t kneel in protest. On one side are supporters, who argue that 49ers backup quarterback Colin Kaepernick is right to use his stage to speak out against the injustice of police officers shooting unarmed black people, on the other are the people who say to not stand for the National Anthem is an insult against the troops/all cops everywhere/America/insert broad apolitical group used for political gain here.
Kaepernick’s protests have inspired others to join him, even in other sports. They have also brought down a lot of heat from talking heads on TV and police unions alike. Which lead to the Seattle Seahawks doing a “protest” so careful not to offend either side it had no purpose. The issue is far from resolved, and it seems like every week another controversial shooting makes headlines.
Now, before we all dust off our bomber jackets, let’s pause a moment. It’s been 31 years since 1986’s Top Gun. Sources claim Cruise and Val Kilmer will be in it. But, unless they’re admirals, they won’t be in uniform. (Well … shouldn’t be.)
So, if you’re still excited about Top Gun 2: Adventures in Contracting, where Maverick and Ice Man are from rival contractors vying for work in Naval Aviation Program Management Offices that buy new dongles for F-18s and Joint Strike Fighters, then you might be a very faithful Scientologist.
It’s been a while since we last checked in on the military dolphins left over from the USSR. Nearly three years ago to the day, we warned you that some Ukrainian dolphins with special military skills went AWOL. Luckily, we haven’t seen them since.
But now, Russia wants some more dolphins. You see, when Russia invaded Crimea a couple years ago, they captured the Ukrainian Navy’s prized killer dolphin unit. Now it looks as if Russia wants to expand that program. The Defense Ministry is offering $24,000 for five bottlenose dolphins for unknown reasons.
Let’s keep in mind that these things have worked with knives and guns specialized for their use. Russia, you have teamed up with the enemy of all mankind. This will not stand.
A century ago, white people feared jazz music because it was seen as unseemly. Today, the military has found a use for it: endangering all of mankind.
The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is working on robots and computers that can play jazz. They’re not only trying to put the ever-diminishing population of jazz musicians out of work, they’re trying to teach these machines how to improvise. And if computerized, face-melting solos weren’t enough, they want these things to improvise with humans. The goal is to get machines and humans to interact in a more fluid way.
Your tax dollars are funding a line of robots smoking marijuana and wearing sunglasses in darkened clubs. God help us all.
For years, governments around the world, including our own, have denied the existence of zombies, but we’ve known better. Now, it seems our concerns were justified, and not just the rantings of a hyper-paranoid team of bloggers. We have official military acknowledgement of the existence of the walking dead.
Should zombies ever launch a massive attack around the world, the Pentagon will be ready. A document titled “CONOP 8888” explains what to do when the outbreak happens. And we all know it will happen. Now, the Department of Defense is trying to cover it up, saying the document is merely a training exercise for students.
I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.
But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.
After nearly two years of gay and lesbian advocates asking the Obama administration to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” it appears that Congress will introduce a bill, possibly even this week.
President Barack Obama is reportedly on-board with the plan, albeit “grudgingly” because he didn’t plan to introduce anything until at earliest November, by which time he could find a way to support gays in the military without it sounding “so gay.” The President quickly added, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
President Obama’s hesitation is understandable since his first 18 months in office have been plagued with questions about his sexuality. There was Mustardgate when Obama ordered Dijon mustard for his burger. Or the knowing glances he got in response to asking Secretary of State Clinton if a tie brought out his eyes enough.
Even before his election, he was declared an ivory tower elitist, who pals around with terrorists … terrorists, who might be gay and hate straight people.
Should the amendment make it into defense authorization bill, the repeal would not take effect until after a study by the Joint Chiefs of Staff to ensure that the entire military won’t look gay … you know, except for the gays … who are valuable assetsmembers contributors to national defense.
As this Web site reported on Tuesday, the obesity epidemic in this country now affects our national security. One-quarter of all 17-24 year-olds exceed recruitment weight limits. And what’s the big deal about one-fourth? An additional half are in ineligible because they dropped out of high school, have criminal records or have non-Big Mac-related medical issues.
That’s three-quarters of our Selective Service. If we suddenly needed a draft to fight off human waves of Canadians, we’d be forced to sew uniforms together, widen trigger holes, and hollow out tanks to equip our nation of fatasses–so long as they don’t have to run anywhere.
At least, that sounds like it would be a problem until you consider that, while recruits are turned away for being too overweight, active duty soldiers are being discharged for the same reason. Our military is fat! In order to support our troops, they’ll need those Rascal scooters to get to combat zones!
As I established last “lightning round,” there are certain thoughts I have that don’t really make an entire Take it from Snee. They’re just ideas I save up from stories I read and, when the week’s particularly slow, I just ejaculate them into one gonzo post.