Big Tasmanian Devil Milk achieves medical spin

It wasn't essential to the research, but just for sh*ts and grins, one researcher married each Tasmanian devil before yanking those sweet, sweet peptides out of their tits.
It wasn’t essential to the research, but just for sh*ts and grins, one researcher married each Tasmanian devil before yanking those sweet, sweet peptides out of their tits.

We knew scientists were getting desperate for new sources of antibiotics now that all of the old ones are becoming less effective. (Serves us right for resting on Salk’s laurels.) But, we didn’t realize how desperate they’re getting until we learned that they’re milking Tasmanian devils.

It shouldn’t be too surprising, though, that it’s Australian researchers going full tit at Tasmanian devils. On the scale of scary Down-under animals, taking a devil down by the nipple seems relatively tame.

So why bother at all? According to those researchers, who — again — reached into the pouch of at least one Tasmanian devil to milk it, their milk contains six important peptides that appear to be able to kill hard-to-treat infections, including MRSA.

Of course, far tamer wallabies and opossums have 12 and eight peptides respectively in their milk, but where’s the fun in that? If the Aussies have their way, we bet the best way to milk Tasmanian devils is with your teeth, too.

Scientists want you to drink cockroach milk

Are you hungry? Do you want to not be? Then read on!

The world’s resources are only so vast, and people need to eat. That means that science needs to find ways to keep our exploding population fed with that we have. Sometimes, that takes us down a dark, dark road.

The next step on that path is cockroach milk. The Pacific beetle cockroach may not technically have nipples, but it gives birth to live young, which is rare in the insect world. To sustain its young while they are embryos, the roach forms protein crystals. Scientists think they can sequence and reproduce the crystals. That means a nutritious beverage that comes from cockroaches, of all things, could save humanity.

But what mixes well with it?

You Missed It: Orange is the new red state edition

Fiorina also holds the title for least successful stage dive.
Fiorina also holds the title for least successful stage dive.

I’m surprised by how many people are complaining now that there are no good candidates to vote for in the presidential election. There never were. A year ago, there wasn’t a single candidate that got me excited. I don’t know what dream you people were chasing. From the outset, the most viable candidates on either side were seen as such purely for their last names. And now we can look back on that concern as quaint and innocent. There were never any good candidates, there are just fewer bad ones to choose from. If you were busy celebrating Cinco de Mayo this week, odds are you missed it.

We live in an alternate universe
This week, Donald Trump became the presumptive Republican nominee after Ted Cruz and John Kasich dropped out of the race, thus ending Carly Fiorina’s record-short vice presidential bid. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders said the Democratic National Convention will be contested … for some reason. It’s good to see that poor decision making doesn’t belong to one party, isn’t it?

A challenge American can handle
It was announced that the U.S. is in the midst of a cheese surplus. According to the Department of Agriculture, a glut of milk has lead to increased cheese production. At the same time, we’re importing a lot of cheese from Europe. Cheesemongers are flooding the market. So don’t be shocked if you start seeing cheese in exciting new products, like a cheese-stuffed burger, cheese-stuffed fries, or to capitalize on the breakfast food craze, cheese-stuffed pillows.

Drivers will have hands at 6 o’clock
Analysts said this week that self-driving cars will give occupants more free time than ever, and naturally, one of the top activities will be sex. Just imagine how different driver’s ed will be if these guys are right.

Your kids are either really dumb or terrifying

"This doesn't look like a dago's chin, Ma."
“This doesn’t look like a dago’s chin, Ma. I’m not mad, just disappointed. And still hungry.”

America likes to pretend that fat kids are a new problem, even though we’ve always treated them like slovenly second-class second graders. But, now that there aren’t enough attractive kids built like 1980s Billy Zabka to torment them and shut down their rec centers, we’re calling it an epidemic. And that means that medical science is working hard to cure it.

One potential treatment? Drawing smiley faces on healthier foods. Researchers found sales of vegetables increased by 62 percent and fruits by 20 percent when they added smiley faces to their labels. Even milk purchases rose from 7.4% to 48%, although nobody mentioned if the smiley face was added to the missing child announcement on the carton.

So, either kids are as dumb as McDonald’s proved with Happy Meals, or kids just really want to eat faces. Any face. Your face.

A peep into our future dairy addiction

Peeps and Prairie Farms have ruined milk in three flavors because f*ck you, that's why.
Peeps and Prairie Farms have ruined milk in three flavors because f*ck you, that’s why.

Not satisfied with ruining Easter, Halloween and the good name of the marshmallow, Peeps has now turned its sights onto the very opposite of sugar-frosted disgustingness: milk.

Peeps has partnered with Prairie Farms to develop Peeps-flavored milk. The companies plan to destroy any nutritional benefit to bone density and muscle development in three flavors: Marshmallow Milk, Chocolate Marshmallow Milk, and Easter Egg Nog. The milky-sugar delivery system will contain over three times more sugar than whole milk, “clocking in at 37 grams per cup,” and twice as much sodium — “320 mg per cup compared to 120 mg for a cup of the brand’s whole milk.”

A serving of whole milk contains 11 grams of sugar. For comparison, a 12-oz. bottle of Coca-Cola contains 39 grams of sugar.

So, congratulations, Peeps. You’ve brought a popular milk manufacturer over to the fat side and made millions of dentists across America very profitable.