Animals label us crime, decide to take MacGruff’s advice

I don’t want to worry you too much, but the revolution might be upon us.

It’s not my intent  to alarm you all, but I only speak to you what circumstances might have brought. We’re currently seeing attacks from the tip top of the country in Minnesota to the lowly parts of the country in Arizona. It’s horrible. First, a bat attacked a 5 year old girl. Five. Years. Old. She can’t defend herself! Worse still, it happened in a Walmart, arguably our nation’s greatest contribution to capitalism. This is an affront to our country!

And yet, the evidence of a coordinated attack still looms. In Tempe, Arizona, a woman at a business center went out for a break. She’s earned it and she’s going to spend it with a nice, relaxing smoke to get her nerves back. If only. You see, the poor woman was attacked by a javelina (it’s an overgrown, furry pig) on her break. She now has to be treated for rabies. Potentially, that might consist of 13 shots that she has to take. That pig owes her 15 minutes of her life back.

Despite all this, I do have good news to report. A giant and terribly humongous (at least, in comparison to me) boa was captured, after being on the loose for who knows how long in Albuquerque. That’s one monster that’s been put back into its cage. It’s not all pretty out there in the world, but at least we know that some creatures aren’t out there trying to eat us. For now.

A heartless take on a heartwarming tale

A Minnesota man has set a new bar for good Samaritans after it took 96 minutes of CPR to restart his heart. Normally, paramedics and doctors will move on after 15 minutes, tops, when brain damage sets in. But, now it looks like everyone in the waiting room will have to peruse further back issues of Highlights for nearly another hour and a half.

It took 20 people to sustain CPR on the victim, Howard Snitzer — pulling, prodding and pounding on his chest to bring him back from the Great Sizzler Buffet in the Sky. And, while he may be alive and thankful, he now has two types of herpes, a chest cold and a staph infection from the ministrations of 40 strange hands and lips on his body.

Additionally, Snitzer contracted athlete’s foot from one stander-by who does not know what CPR is.

You Missed It: This post is over edition

Bryan McBournie is gone for the day. I won’t tell you where he is, but I’ll just say that what he’s doing rhymes with “pot neing a bedophile.” As such, your favorite (emphasis mine) fill-in writer, me, will have to satisfy your SeriousDesire. Look into my eyes. You know you want it. Just think of it as Christmas in July, even the Jewish people. If you were too busy popping any recalled pills so that you could get extra strength awesome (and by awesome, I mean ouch), odds are you missed it.

When Internet Doves Cry

The musician known as Prince that was then formerly known as Prince and now is known once again as Prince has declared that the internet is over, which has put our website into a little bit of a worry, seeing as how we’re web-based and all. The artist from Minnesota stated that the internet has become like MTV, outdated and that digital devices just fill your head with numbers. Of course, we’re thinking that he’s simply a little perturbed since there’s no key on a QWERTY keyboard for the “symbol.”

There’s a New King In Town

Heralded NBA player Lebron James, after months of deliberation and much press, has finally made his decision about where he will play next year. The hallowed “King” James has decided that the city where he will play in for the 2010-2011 season is Miami, as a member of the Miami Heat, alongside other superstar free agents Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. He leaves the Cleveland Cavaliers after 7 seasons as a Cav.

This Just In

The city of Cleveland is no more and has become a victim of a self-inflicted scorched Earth policy.

New Cheese Flavored Alzheimer’s Cure

A study at a university involving old rats has shown that they’re starting to retain their memories after losing them. This is great news, as even the derivative of the compound given to the rats appears to be even better at protecting memory neurons. Another great benefit: now we can remember just how many rats we killed, along with how many more we need to.

But won’t it still stick out?

Dark matter is all around us, but possibly even more so if you live in the snowy, Norse-ish lands of Minnesota.

Wait, what?

Scientists are reporting that researchers involved in something called the Cryogenic Dark Matter Search may have found dark matter particles, substance so common that it makes up three-fourths of all the matter in the universe, in an abandoned iron mine in Northern Minnesota. Emphasis on the “may”:

When the CDMS-II team looked at the analysis of their latest run – after accounting for all possible background particles and any faulty detectors in their stacks – they were in for a surprise. Their statistical models predicted that they would see 0.8 events during a run between 2007 and 2008, but instead they saw two.

The team is not claiming discovery of dark matter, because the result is not statistically significant. There is a 1-in-4 chance that it is merely due to fluctuations in the background noise. Had the experiment seen five events above the expected background, the claim for having detected dark matter would have been a lot stronger.

Unable to prove that it is or isn’t evidence of dark matter, the team are working on creating equipment three times as sensitive to use in the same area next year. Thanks a lot, science. Once again, you get everyone all hot and bothered about something that could be potentially revolutionary and then call everything off to wash your hair.

Weekend project: motorized recliner

Everyone hates the morning commute to work, particularly because you have to do it sober. But what if you could just relax a bit when you drive to work, or home from the grocery store, or the strip club? One man had that insight.

Dennis LeRoy Anderson, 62, was driving his motorized recliner, complete with headlights, cup holder, stereo and more down the roads of Minnesota. Unfortunately, Anderson was also drunk when police pulled him over. The driver recently plead guilty to DUI. He said he was trying to pop a wheelie and had a woman sitting on his lap. Isn’t that technically a motorized love seat?

If everyone was fake jumping off a bridge, would you do it too?

This may come as a surprise, but it turns out that if you’ve had a few and you want to mess with your friends, faking jumping off a bridge may not be the greatest idea.

One Minnesota man found that one out so that we all may benefit. A 23-year old man and his friend were heading back from the bars very late one night, when they crossed over a bridge and suddenly they had a great idea. The man asked his friend to pull over so that he could relieve himself off the bridge. (As any guy will tell you, the only thing better than being able to pee standing up is being able to pee from a great height.) According to police, the man climbed to the ledge of the bridge and pretended to fall off. Funny thing is, he then lost his balance and fell.

Police found him in a marshy area, probably in his own urine. Don’t worry, he’s doing OK and will be back at the bars soon with an awesome new story. Watch out, ladies!

Remember the old Super Soaker ads where they were used for revenge on someone?

Let’s face it, sometimes, no matter how much you rant and rave from your driveway the damn kids won’t get off your lawn. That’s when it’s time to take matters into your own hands. One man in Minnesota did just that when he found his back was against the wall.

Scott Edward Wagar, 50, was tired of teenagers toilet papering his house. So, he did what any sensible person would do. He went out and got some night vision goggles, a squirt gun and some fox urine, then played the waiting game. The teens showed up again and he let them have it, in quite possible the strangest golden shower case (and that’s saying something) this blog has ever seen.

Now for some reason, Wagar, not those cursed teenagers, is getting charged with fifth (fifth?) degree assault. Why can’t we use shotguns for warning shots anymore?

Take it from Snee: Can’t wait for that Depression!

A few months ago, we asked you to do something. Don’t remember? Starbucks was in trouble and you were supposed to help save them. We don’t ask you for much, but the one time we do, you let them fall deeper in debt and close 600 locations.

So, here we are, America. With talks of foreclosures, unemployment and gas shortages, we are verging closer and closer to a Recession, which is just a nice way of saying Depression. (Before “Depression,” they were called “Panics.” Eventually, we’ll call it a “Bother.”)

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “No big deal. My parents are loaded. I’ll just kill them.” Unfortunately, your money is only part of the problem. If we enter another Depression, all the money in the world won’t buy any of the following necessities. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Can’t wait for that Depression!

“How frigid is my wife? Think the state that I govern.”

Lots of guys like to joke with their fishing buddies about how their wife won’t have sex with them, but when you’re the Governor of Minnesota and your “buddies” are everyone listening to a live radio broadcast, that makes things maybe just a little awkward. Granted, not as awkward as how some governors handle it, but still not smooth.