Steer, deer attacks on the rise

We feel safe when we’re in civilization. We’re around other people, we’re close to bathrooms, and we generally don’t have to worry about animals. Maybe nowhere is safe now.

In Tennessee, patrons where enjoying being inside of a Waffle House and, we assume, eating waffles, when they saw deputies trying to corral a steer in the parking lot. The steer had reportedly gotten loose and was making its way through the town of Cookeville. Authorities were about to get the steer into the Waffle House parking lot, but it managed to slip past the police cars and continue on down the road. We don’t know what actually ended up happening to it. The citizens of Cookeville are no doubt living in fear.

And in Minnesota, a Wal-Mart was invaded by a deer. The beast made it to the pet aisle before some hero tackled it and put it in a headlock. Unfortunately, the Wal-Mart shoppers took pity on their attacker, and set him free outside the store.

Crap, it escaped!

Hey, people of St. Paul, Minnesota? Umm, could you maybe do us a favor?

Sooooo, we had a super rare hummingbird locked up in a cage over at SG Towers. It was all part of our plan to rid the world of the rufous hummingbird, thus depriving one more species of enemy.

Except, uhhh … there was a snafu. The bird got loose and apparently is now found in your neck of the woods. How crazy is that?! Look, if you find it, by all means, capture and send it back to us please. We’ll reimburse you with many internets. If you can’t capture it, well, you’re Minnesota in November and it’s a hummingbird. Nature will take over soon.

Chuck E. Cheese: Where a norovirus kid can be a norovirus kid

‘Twas not the adult violence that cleared out the children’s play hut that night. The culprit was: norovirus.

This time, while emergency services were again called to a Chuck E. Cheese, this time in the Minnesota district, it was not the police that were needed, but the EMT’s. Nearly 20 people were sent to the hospital with stomach flu symptoms after consuming the restaurant’s food. Investigators claim to have ruled out the virus originating due to food contamination, instead blaming the outbreak on your grubby, horrible, disgusting children.

The McBournie Minute: The Midwest just isn’t like around here

I counted myself as one of the millions of drivers traveling this year for Thanksgiving. Though I’m amazed every year that the holiday’s chaos isn’t reported in any other country in the world. The traffic was manageable, the weather wasn’t bad, so I won’t bore you with any tales of how I sat in a car voluntarily for hours on end. I won’t even bore you with what I ate.

However, I did go to the Midwest. And as an East Coast native, it always seems just a little bit weird to me. The people are friendly and generally happy for no reason at all. Their roads are straight and flat. Weird, right?

But as I followed the news across the relatively wide region, I found that things get weirder there all the time. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The Midwest just isn’t like around here

Running for two

Long-distance runners are crazy. They readily admit this. They keep moving for hours on end and deny themselves the best tasting foods to improve their times. They don’t seem to mind when their toenails fall off and their feet are mostly blisters. (They’re also not into footies.)

But a Minnesota woman training for a half marathon went well beyond this. After a training session, she had some back pain, but decided it would go away. She went to the doctor when it didn’t. Turns out she was in labor and had no idea she was pregnant. She, her husband and three kids welcomes a baby girl this week.

That kid is going to have a serious fear of bouncing.

Animals label us crime, decide to take MacGruff’s advice

I don’t want to worry you too much, but the revolution might be upon us.

It’s not my intent  to alarm you all, but I only speak to you what circumstances might have brought. We’re currently seeing attacks from the tip top of the country in Minnesota to the lowly parts of the country in Arizona. It’s horrible. First, a bat attacked a 5 year old girl. Five. Years. Old. She can’t defend herself! Worse still, it happened in a Walmart, arguably our nation’s greatest contribution to capitalism. This is an affront to our country!

And yet, the evidence of a coordinated attack still looms. In Tempe, Arizona, a woman at a business center went out for a break. She’s earned it and she’s going to spend it with a nice, relaxing smoke to get her nerves back. If only. You see, the poor woman was attacked by a javelina (it’s an overgrown, furry pig) on her break. She now has to be treated for rabies. Potentially, that might consist of 13 shots that she has to take. That pig owes her 15 minutes of her life back.

Despite all this, I do have good news to report. A giant and terribly humongous (at least, in comparison to me) boa was captured, after being on the loose for who knows how long in Albuquerque. That’s one monster that’s been put back into its cage. It’s not all pretty out there in the world, but at least we know that some creatures aren’t out there trying to eat us. For now.

A heartless take on a heartwarming tale

A Minnesota man has set a new bar for good Samaritans after it took 96 minutes of CPR to restart his heart. Normally, paramedics and doctors will move on after 15 minutes, tops, when brain damage sets in. But, now it looks like everyone in the waiting room will have to peruse further back issues of Highlights for nearly another hour and a half.

It took 20 people to sustain CPR on the victim, Howard Snitzer — pulling, prodding and pounding on his chest to bring him back from the Great Sizzler Buffet in the Sky. And, while he may be alive and thankful, he now has two types of herpes, a chest cold and a staph infection from the ministrations of 40 strange hands and lips on his body.

Additionally, Snitzer contracted athlete’s foot from one stander-by who does not know what CPR is.

You Missed It: This post is over edition

Bryan McBournie is gone for the day. I won’t tell you where he is, but I’ll just say that what he’s doing rhymes with “pot neing a bedophile.” As such, your favorite (emphasis mine) fill-in writer, me, will have to satisfy your SeriousDesire. Look into my eyes. You know you want it. Just think of it as Christmas in July, even the Jewish people. If you were too busy popping any recalled pills so that you could get extra strength awesome (and by awesome, I mean ouch), odds are you missed it.

When Internet Doves Cry

The musician known as Prince that was then formerly known as Prince and now is known once again as Prince has declared that the internet is over, which has put our website into a little bit of a worry, seeing as how we’re web-based and all. The artist from Minnesota stated that the internet has become like MTV, outdated and that digital devices just fill your head with numbers. Of course, we’re thinking that he’s simply a little perturbed since there’s no key on a QWERTY keyboard for the “symbol.”

There’s a New King In Town

Heralded NBA player Lebron James, after months of deliberation and much press, has finally made his decision about where he will play next year. The hallowed “King” James has decided that the city where he will play in for the 2010-2011 season is Miami, as a member of the Miami Heat, alongside other superstar free agents Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. He leaves the Cleveland Cavaliers after 7 seasons as a Cav.

This Just In

The city of Cleveland is no more and has become a victim of a self-inflicted scorched Earth policy.

New Cheese Flavored Alzheimer’s Cure

A study at a university involving old rats has shown that they’re starting to retain their memories after losing them. This is great news, as even the derivative of the compound given to the rats appears to be even better at protecting memory neurons. Another great benefit: now we can remember just how many rats we killed, along with how many more we need to.

But won’t it still stick out?

Dark matter is all around us, but possibly even more so if you live in the snowy, Norse-ish lands of Minnesota.

Wait, what?

Scientists are reporting that researchers involved in something called the Cryogenic Dark Matter Search may have found dark matter particles, substance so common that it makes up three-fourths of all the matter in the universe, in an abandoned iron mine in Northern Minnesota. Emphasis on the “may”:

When the CDMS-II team looked at the analysis of their latest run – after accounting for all possible background particles and any faulty detectors in their stacks – they were in for a surprise. Their statistical models predicted that they would see 0.8 events during a run between 2007 and 2008, but instead they saw two.

The team is not claiming discovery of dark matter, because the result is not statistically significant. There is a 1-in-4 chance that it is merely due to fluctuations in the background noise. Had the experiment seen five events above the expected background, the claim for having detected dark matter would have been a lot stronger.

Unable to prove that it is or isn’t evidence of dark matter, the team are working on creating equipment three times as sensitive to use in the same area next year. Thanks a lot, science. Once again, you get everyone all hot and bothered about something that could be potentially revolutionary and then call everything off to wash your hair.