Some people just have all the nerve, and the news ain’t gonna take it lying down anymore.
Nonnie Dotson, if you didn’t want to meet your friends for a smoothie, you could have at least called.
Maybe they’re tired of smoothies, too, but they didn’t disappear off the face of the earth to avoid them. Why, you could’ve suggested something else. I’m sure the ladies would have been just fine with a pilates class or a mocha-frapa-chachi-rama-lama-ding-dong soy latte.
Way to make this all about you.
The latest missing-white-girl-in-Florida case just took a bizarre turn, news-wise:
“Investigators have questioned 44 registered sex offenders living near the home of a missing Florida girl after hundreds of leads in the case have failed to turn up any sign of 5-year-old Haleigh Cummings.”
OK, parents, we get it. Economic times are tough, so moving right now is a little difficult.
But, seriously: 44 registered sex offenders in the Florida neighborhood where you’re raising a 5-year-old blond white girl? What, was the pool house at Neverland Ranch off the market? How many date rape vans in driveways raise a red flag? Does the ice cream truck have a police escort?
Wow.
Just … wow.
In other news: the average age in Florida keeps getting older and older.
See if you can figure out where Marcus Schrenker’s false demise went wrong.
Step 1: Take off in a small plane and head to Florida. (Good.)
Step 2: Make a distress call and parachute out of the plane, letting it drift and eventually crash into a Northern Florida swamp. (Great … )
Step 3: Wearing flight goggles, talk to a police officer, saying you were in “a canoe accident.” (What?)
Step 4: Get a ride from that officer to a local hotel. Check into it using a fake name. (OK, that’s … an improvement from Step 3.)
Step 5: Pay for the room in cash, disguise yourself in a black toboggan cap and run for the woods. (Sounds dangerous … )
Step 6: Become the subject of a manhunt because military aircraft tracked your plane before it crashed and noticed you left the door open mid-flight and the cockpit was empty. (D’oh!)
If Marcus didn’t read our How To on faking your own death, he’ll probably wish he had. What did we say in step 3? Always burn a substitute body.
