Tag: missing

Holding out for a Big Galloot

The Guys and Bonnie Tyler agree with today’s Headline of the Day: where have the Big Galloots gone?

For those of you who don’t special order your underwear, the “Big Galloots” are a pair of men’s briefs that, at 8-feet, hold the record for World’s Largest Men’s Underpants. They were housed in the City Museum in St. Louis, but now? Gone, baby, gone like yesterday’s elastic.

They were reportedly last seen surrounding St. Louis mayor’s spokesperson, Kara Bowlin, until she nearly broke into tears. If found in her possession, this would be the second largest stain on her career since that fateful day.

(Via Michael J. Nelson. Yeah, that one.)

Don’t cry for him, Charleston

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford is back from his trip to the grocery store for smokes the Appalachian Trail the South American country of Argentina … wait, what?

That’s right: he was out of the country. No calls, no giving the Lt. Govenor the comm, not even telling his wife where he was going. He just picked up and Thelma and Louised it down to where the toilets flush backwards.

There are several fascinating aspects to this story:

  • His wife reportedly did not know where he was, preferring to stay home with the children. This has to be the most trusting marriage in America.
  • He went to Argentina. The only things Argentina is known for are Eva Peron and hidden Nazi war criminals. It’d be irresponsible to suggest he was unwinding by drinking schnapps out of Evita’s skull, so we’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
  • He came home “early.” He actually planned to stay out for an entire week. For fun, try going on an unannounced weeklong vacation from work without answering your boss’ calls. If you’re still employed, you must have been elected. By morons.
  • This is all because the S.C. legislature forced him to accept Federal Stimulus funds. This may be the most outrageous passive-aggressive tantrum thrown by a S.C. elected official since 1860 when State House Senator Aloicious Sharpe wrote a terse letter to Union troops stationed at Fort Sumter and did not sign it cordially.

Update: Oh, it was about a woman. Why not just say that in the first place? This could be as good for the Republican Party as that Catholic priest caught having sex with a woman.