Tag: mississippi

You Missed It: Turtle head edition

Megan Fox, attempting to act her way out.
Megan Fox, attempting to act her way out.

I realize that every industry wants to have their own fake holiday, but it’s getting a bit excessive. For example, yesterday was National Cherry Pie day. Today is National Margarita Day. Far be it from me to say we shouldn’t have holidays celebrating anything booze related, but who decides these things? Did the National Association of Tequila Distillers form a coalition with Lime Farmers of America to create this? Also, if you drink margaritas in February, and you don’t live on a beach, you have a problem. If you were busy writing your acceptance speech this week, odds are you missed it.

Fox joins the turtles
Remember Michael Bay’s plan to ruin the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, now that he’s more or less finished crapping on the Transformers? Turns out it’s still very much in the works, as Bay announced this week that Megan Fox has been cast as April O’Neil, the turtles’ reporter friend. Bay said he is excited about the project, and that with the help of CGI, Fox will seem almost lifelike on screen.

Change comes slow in the South
With the recent success of Lincoln, which is up for a ton of Oscars this weekend, the 13th Amendment has been enjoying quite a bit of fame. However, the amendment, which banned slavery went without approval from Mississippi until recently. The state legislature never voted on the measure until 1995, and even then, the paperwork wasn’t filed until a professor figured it out a few weeks ago. When the state finally got its act together and ratified the 13th Amendment, they decided to break out the fire hoses just for old time’s sake.

Twitter breaks deal news yet again
It was a rough week on Twitter for a couple companies, after their accounts got hacked. First, Burger King’s account was hacked, sending out tweets that it had been sold to McDonald’s, and a day later, Jeep’s account was posting that it had been sold to Cadillac. Later in the week,  Donald Trump was hacked, too. His followers first realized that it had happened when his tweets began lacking his typical air of douchbaggery.

Mississippi Burning, parking lot sized

There’s some really bad song that has the lyrics “You had a bad day, something something something, you sing a sad song, something else.” This story is sort of like that.

A woman got the munchies and decided to do what  people in America do: grab something at the drive-thru from McDonald’s. So she did.

Oh, did I forget to mention that her car was on fire while doing so? Because it was.

When informed of this by the attendant, the woman pulled away from the window, parked her car, went back to the window, obtained her food and ate it by the scene. That’s the logical thing to do, right? Unfortunately, the police were called to the scene, which allegedly resulted in her punching a cop when questioning was needed.

“It wasn’t until she actually decided to swing on the officer that things went downhill for her,” says a rep for the police department.

Oh, that was where her day went bad? Only that incident? Really?

We recommend adding in random amendments

It’s not a black thing; it’s a hair thing.

We think that might be the impetus behind an incident in a Mississippi courtroom. Bobby Todd, a man cursed with luscious follicles and a name consisting of nothing but first names, much like myself, was not allowed into a Southaven traffic court reportedly because of his Christmas wish bearing hair.

Normally Todd wears ornaments and lights in his hair, but he didn’t because he was going to court that day. Clearly there was no need for a second pause regarding a look for court.

Put down the po’boy

MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION. MAY I PLEASE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION.

THE RESULTS ARE IN AND I THINK YOU’LL WANT TO KNOW THIS. YEP, IT’S TRUE. MISSISSIPPI, YOU’RE KNOCKED UP THE STATE WITH THE FATTEST KIDS.

Now that I have your attention, I’ll stop using all-caps. I apologize for that, but it was the only way to get through to your cholesterol soaked brains. You see, it was a necessary evil in order to communicate the bad news that the US Health Resources and Services Administration has declared to the country. It would seem that you’ve allowed your number of obese children to rise to 22 percent. That’s a lot of fat kids loving cake.

Sorry for the Curtis Jackson reference. Less deep frying of okra and more steaming of okra instead?

Anyways, there is some good news-for Oregon. That state apparently has the least amount of obese kids, with just 10 percent. That’s not nearly as bad as yours. For shame, M-I-CROOKED LETTER-CROOKED LETTER-I-CROOKED LETTER-CROOKED LETTER-I-HUMPBACK-HUMPBACK-I. Maybe you should be a lot more like them and a lot less like you.

Law enforcement, Mississippi style

This are different is Mississippi. While the police there have to deal with crime, proverty and the ravages of scurvy, they also have to deal with emus.

Apparently, emus run wild in the state, and harass drivers on Interstate 20. Well, they did anyway. Police took down one emu in Scott County who refused to get off the roadway. The emu was so stubborn that it had to be shocked with a Taser and handcuffed.

The emu was then “taken in for questioning.” Yeah, questioned by a nightstick.

That will be a fun one to tell future dates

There have been a lot of shootings going on lately, we’ve noticed it, too. Mostly, we attribute it to the depressing feelings that come with spring and new life. Either that or it’s the allergy medicine.

But in Mississippi, one shooting defied the odds. A woman was shot in the head by her husband. We’re talking straight through the forehead and out the back of the skull. She then got up (her husband shot himself), made herself some tea and waited for police to show up.

We know you think we’re going to take the zombie angle with this, but you’re wrong. This woman is not a zombie because she was shot in the head. Everyone knows a zombie will stay down after a head shot. Also, zombies don’t drink tea.

Amish plan to breed us out

In a move that must make abstinence-only education proponents proud, the Amish have boosted their human production by 130 percent over the past 16 years.

With their new numbers, they are now colonizing new states, including Arkansas, Colorado, Maine, Mississippi, Nebraska, Washington and West Virginia. If you live adjacent to any of these states, prepare to be invaded!

Should the Amishification of America continue unabated, mechanized construction equipment will become obsolete. Milk will be kind of yellowish. The barstools will be very nice. And a little thing called the Internet will become the exclusive playground of hedonisitic Europeans, Asians, Australians, Africans, South Americans, the rest of the North Americans and those weird Antarctagonists.

This blog, for one, welcomes our neckbearded overlords.