What the smurf ‘smurfing’ means

"We cook my way this time, Jesse Smurf. Or I walk."
“We cook my way this time, Jesse Smurf. Or I walk.”

At long last — after 55 smurfing years of Smurf comics, cartoons and dolls — we finally know what the smurf those smurfing Smurfs were smurfing about.

Thanks to a recent anti-meth campaign in Missouri, we’ve learned that “smurfing” means “to buy the legal limit of pseudoephedrine-based products and sell them to meth cookers.”

‘With the anti-smurfing campaign, Missouri leaders are coming together … to send an unmistakable message: If you’re buying this product for a meth cook, you are committing a serious criminal offense and could end up behind bars,’ [Missouri Attorney General Chris] Koster said.

And we all know what happens next after locking Smurfs up behind bars: they’re melted into gold for our privatized prison system. Things are looking up for Warden Gargamel, indeed. But they’re also looking much, much darker for Smurfette, who’s doing smurf-knows-what for her meth.

Who would’ve thought booze and alcohol would be bad paired together?

For those that didn’t catch Savages in the theater, allow me to sum it up for you: it’s not good. Oh sure, it’s got some moments, it’s got Salma Hayek in thoroughly unattractive haircut, it’s even got the always entertaining Benicio Del Toro. Despite those traits, it’s still not good.

Could someone do it better? Potentially. Is it a worthy movie to view while inebriated? Sure.

Should you try to recreate the movie with real guns and real ammo after consuming a sizable amount of real alcohol. Probably not.


When faced with a Bigfoot in the middle of the highway at night, Missourians know exactly what must be done: run it over. This is a war with animals, which means that no human-animal hybrids may be tolerated. (Besides, the cops weren’t around.)

Well, it turns out that sometimes the best of intentions don’t yield the best results. The Sasquatch in question was actually a Yetiot, local human Randy Lee Tenley, who was wearing a sniper’s ghillie suit to stage a Bigfoot hoax. He was struck by two vehicles who could not see him because human eyes don’t shine in headlights and, oh yeah, he was wearing full-body camouflage.

If you’re wondering whether booze was involved, we have a slightly used ghillie suit to sell you.

Home Invasion, animal style

The war against our multi-legged enemies continues. Just when we thought we were making ground, the animals begin their invasion plots and in our most sacred areas! Not a place is safe!

Don’t let this continue. Stamp out any animals you see.

Meanwhile, your tuition went up

Most universities in the U.S. are storied institutions with a legacy of shaping young minds to create the world we know today. And if there’s one thing that could destroy their reputations, it’s using their name for a porn site.

Schools like the University of Kansas are buying up .xxx domains before pornographers can create rockchalkjayhawk.xxx and jayhawks.xxx. This is a security concern because people interested in UK could accidentally type in the universally-agreed upon porn abbreviation instead of .edu — and wind up at tits instead. They also bought kansas.xxx, because they want to keep the address porn-free, which will save the owners of

  • kansas.com: The Wichita Eagle, a newspaper
  • kansas.gov: The Official Web site of the State of Kansas
  • kansas.net: Based on the quality of their page, some ’90s-era Internet provider

from having to buy it themselves. (The University of Missouri did the same thing with missouri.xxx, proving that neither state has anything going for it but college basketball.) Unfortunately, nobody bothered to buy .org or .biz, so smut peddlers, get on it!

Holding out for a Big Galloot

The Guys and Bonnie Tyler agree with today’s Headline of the Day: where have the Big Galloots gone?

For those of you who don’t special order your underwear, the “Big Galloots” are a pair of men’s briefs that, at 8-feet, hold the record for World’s Largest Men’s Underpants. They were housed in the City Museum in St. Louis, but now? Gone, baby, gone like yesterday’s elastic.

They were reportedly last seen surrounding St. Louis mayor’s spokesperson, Kara Bowlin, until she nearly broke into tears. If found in her possession, this would be the second largest stain on her career since that fateful day.

(Via Michael J. Nelson. Yeah, that one.)

‘Abortion Showdown’ this Friday!


The federal court in Kansas City presents Abortion Showdown! Two clinics, one state, new regulations! For the first time in an American court, two abortion clinics will combine forces in a handicap match against one state: Missouri.

This match will determine the viability of recently passed abortion licensing regulations by the Rules and Regulations Board. Will the state’s political vengeance stand, or will the latest measures be … aborted?!

You do not want to miss this event! BE THERE!

There are nicer ways to tip

Steve Wilson, who makes his living by picking up other people’s dog poop, stuck pay turd recently.

While cleaning up after some lazy pet owner’s mutt, he found $58 packed in pure, American dog s#@t. He cleaned up the bills, put them in a (presumably) clean plastic bag and returned them to the customer.

We’d like to remind our readers that Mr. Wilson is a professional. If you or someone you know finds a lost dog turd containing money, please deposit said stool at the nearest police precinct.

Power company officials just don’t understand

You know how you’ll sometimes hear rappers requesting people to turn up many things, such as bass lines or headphones, while recording? On rare occassions, they may even ask for these things in a live fashion.

DJ Jazzy Jeff (of Jazz fame from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air) may have asked for just a little too much baseline. On Sunday in Kansas City, while giving a concert to eager fans, the power was inexplicably cut. Jazzy Jeff (seriously, that’s just fun to write) left the stage after half an hour of frantic waiting. The president of the Kansas City Power & Light District has said that they did not cut the power to concert. Nonetheless, we all know the truth-it was a very hot day in Kansas City and that haterade was tasting mighty cool.