You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?

January:

Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

Republican Alabamians go full-Mormon for Romney

Knowing their state is a lock for Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential election, members of the Alabama Republican Party have gone full-Mormon. Their new initiative, Alabama’s Battleground Patriots, will send volunteers door-to-door in swing states, including Florida, North Carolina, Ohio and — oh, good lord — Virginia to spread the good word about voting for Romney.

So, it looks like certain Guys who thought they left this malarkey behind when they moved from Alabama to Virginia will be keeping their lights off and remaining as quiet as possible.

Romney can point to not one, but two gay friends

Let it never be said that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney doesn’t have the support of Republican gays. In fact, he has two of their support.

Just to clarify: that’s two individual gay and lesbian members of the directing board for GOProud. The other two gay board members voted against endorsing Romney over his support for the Federal Marriage Amendment, yet the decision passed by a bare majority. So, it’s a gay Republican organization … that doesn’t much care about gay Republican rights. Just Republican talking points. But it’s a gay organization, not just plain old Republicans. Yet, three of the board members are straight, which is cool, but two of them just voted against gay marriage, and one wouldn’t take a stand on an issue that would probably matter to a gay political organization …

You know what? We’ll let you sort it all out, readers. Frankly, we can’t make tops or bottoms out of it.

The Iowa Republican Caucus Results

The results from the Iowa Republican Caucus are in!

1. Mitt Romney won with 24.6 percent of the vote, proving that you get more bees with vanilla because you never know which bees are allergic to nuts.

2. Rick S@ntorum (SFW spelling) came in a close second, but he’s the only candidate of the top three to not make the Virginia primary ballot. This could spell trouble due to the state’s longstanding policy of existing “for lovers, just — you know — not like that.”

3. Ron Paul finished third, only three percentage points behind the two leaders. He celebrated by throwing another ghost writer under the bus.

4. Newt Gingrich leads the bottom of the pack, which Newt explained makes sense since winning votes is not a popularity contest like for “senior class president.” He still plans to score the prom queen’s panties before Nov. 2, though, just to be safe.

5. Rick Perry just barely made it into double digits, which he proudly counted with both hands.

6. Michele Bachmann was last candidate to finish with full percentage points. She has suspended her campaign to harass gays at home.

7. John Huntsman manage to edge out Herman Cain, Buddy Roemer, “meh” and “none of the above” despite skipping Iowa to campaign in New Hampshire.

Results came from Google, courtesy of the AP.

The Audacity of Impersonation

In other Obama related news

The Republican Leadership Conference was recently held. While we’ll avoid the reference that old white men love having black guys do things for their entertainment, we will point out that a Barack Obama impersonator was hired for the event. That where the similarity to the first part of the previous sentence ends, as the joke may have been lost on more than a few of the attendees.

The impersonator proceeded to mock many of the GOP members hoping the next president, while also poking fun at the roots of the current president (to keep it fair, after all). But apparently, it was just too much to make fun of Michele Bachmann supporting a bunch of racists crazy people the Tea Party. Enough was enough, the mic was cut and the impersonator was given das boot!

Hey, GOP people: SG recommends that you get the guy from the Jerry’s Subs and Pizzas radio ads and utilize the technology that Conan uses. We’d support it.

The McBournie Minute: I’m right about the primaries

I predicted a couple weeks ago after the Iowa caucus that the rest of the states would choose Mike Huckabee and Barack Obama. I was dead on.

Since then, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Mitt Romney and the Obama crush girl have all gotten wins and pundits are baffled. There are no clear leaders in either party’s race. No matter what the pundits keep orderin, voters for some reason are choosing to make up their own minds this time around. Why they chose these primaries over any other ones in the past 225 years is anyone’s guess. Regardless, with only a small amount of the country voicing their opinions so far, there is still no clear winner.

There is a sentence I did not think I would write until the Florida primaries.

However, there is some fun that can be had amongst this chaos, and like most at-home political fun, it requires watching news network coverage. You play a drinking game. What more American an approach to national politics can there possibly be?

Every time a network predicts a front-runner, winner or dark horse candidate, you do a shot. Not a sip, you wimps, a real, full shot. By the end of the night, you will be excited about when your state’s primary election is and you will want to vote for whoever makes the campaign promise of buying the next round.