Ozone gets more Os

The power is yours to bring this meeting to a swift end. Now, who’s resumed emitting CFCs? Do we really want more Captain Planet?

Alright, everyone. You’re probably wondering why we gathered all 197 signers of the Montreal Protocol here, today, on this comedy blog.

Look, ladies and fellas, we all agreed to stop emitting chlorofluorocarbons back in 1987 to stop Ted Turner’s production of further episodes of Captain Planet. And yet somehow, we suddenly have an uptick in measurable CFC11, which, as we all know, is the second most common CFC that destroys our ozone layer.

So, let’s apply the conditions of what may very well be written into the protocol to suss this out.

“Para. 24, Item a. The party who smelt it dealt it.” Do we really believe that study lead author Stephen Montzka, a research chemist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is responsible for it? Sure, ozone woes (woezones?) are good for NOAA business, but since when did ol’ Steph get into the plastics and/or refrigeration industry?

“Para. 93, Subpara. 2, Item f. The party who denied supplied it.” I see a lot of representatives here not fessing up–China, Koreas, Mongolia–which is technically denial by omission. And denial of omission of emissions is explicitly the kind of thing that made Montreal write this protocol in steak salt and poutine gravy in the first place.

“Section 31, Bullet 12. The party who deduced it produced it.” Oh, no. We’re not shifting the blame onto The Guys to stymie this meeting and move on to the bacon bar buffet. Everyone knows that SeriouslyGuys phased out CFCs in our jokes back in 2014 once we realized that nobody remembers the ozone layer anymore.

So, anybody have anything to say for themselves? Anybody at all? Alright. Caterers, please extinguish the Sterno from the bacon bar.

Cue X-Files theme song

A 2-ton object crashed to the ground in Mongolia. Nobody is sure what it is, so a report was sent in to MUFON, a UFO-tracking organization. Could it be something from a tangent universe? Or even as far away as-gasp-North Dakota?

The report states that two objects fell near the Mongolian capital on February 19. The first object, according to the report, weighed 10 kg, while the second larger object weighed “approximately 2 tons.”

Has anybody opened this thing up to see whether there are any aliens trapped inside? And if so, have they been created by a punch from Will Smith?

Big is beautiful and single

That’s right: if you’re a woman who happens to be a chubby-chaser, then you’ve got the chance to land yourself a jackpot of a man here. The sumo grand champion Asashoryu announced that he’s getting a divorce from his wife of five years. The two have had troubles for years, as she apparently wasn’t even publicly seen in his trip to Mongolia two years back, nor have they been living together. DUM DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMM.

So, what can you do to win this man’s heart? Well, it’s been said that he’s big into fashion, so might I suggest a date to the fashion district of Japan (whatever that is)? He’ll enjoy going around and talking to the high-end designers, no doubt. It’ll suck that his handler will likely follow you on the date, as an overprotective parent would, but they can also be a good resource on knowing the right places to go eat. Also, you might not want to make any comments about his weight. You know, just in case.