Monkeys are plotting something in Ohio town

A Cincinnati suburb is on edge, as residents say there are monkeys in the trees.

Locals have reported seeing monkeys around town in Lebanon, Ohio. Sometimes they’re hanging out in the trees, sometimes they’re in peoples’ yards, they have also been spotted rocking out to someone’s music. The current theory is that the monkeys were pets that escaped and have been doing their own thing ever since.

Some residents seem remarkably chill about having dangerous animals roaming freely in their town. At some point, these monkeys are going to team up with squirrels, and then the chaos will really start.

Monkeys, rats, bears breaking into buildings

You can lock your doors and shut your windows. You can have the best home security system that money can buy. Animals will still find a way into your house. Will you be ready when they do?

The Indian government found itself under attack when two monkeys made their way inside a government building, sending public servants scrambling for safety. Luckily no one was injured, and the monkeys were chased off by security guards. But many suspect this was simply a probe of defenses ahead of a real attack.

In Dallas, Texas, customers at Chipotle had their meals ruined by something other than salmonella. Witnesses reported rats, (or mice, because no one in Texas can tell the difference) falling out of the ceiling and scurrying around the restaurant. But because they had been gorging themselves on Chipotle, the rodents were slow-moving and easily rounded up for questioning.

And finally, a Montana man took a nap in his home and found that while he slept a bear had broken in and taken two dumps on his living room floor and left. That’s just mean.

Monkeys, slugs continue attacks on mankind

Things are heating up in the War on Animals, although we have yet to hear from either presidential candidate on the issue. Abroad, it’s something leaders can’t ignore.

In Malaysia, a group of monkey committed an undeniable act of war. According to the Malaysian Army, the monkeys broke into a military base and stole confidential military documents. This is the animals’ equivalent of hacking. We don’t know what was in those documents, but we know the monkeys will use that information against mankind somehow.

Meanwhile, Norway nearly ready to declare war on slugs. The country’s socialist left party has proposed an hour where the entire country does everything it can to hunt down and kill Spanish slugs. As the name indicates, the slugs aren’t native to Norway. The war-like Norwegians are apparently so confident in their abilities that they need only one hour to drive the dastardly slug from their borders.

It’s nice to see countries get serious about this thing.

Brazil has a knife-wielding animal problem

Brazilians really need to secure their knives.
Brazilians really need to secure their knives.

There’s a hot new meme from Brazil that’s blazing its way across the internet. It’s either that or a growing worry that the animal uprising has taken a new form.

Brazil, the country hosting the Summer Olympics this year, is overrun with animals with knives. Authorities say a monkey helped himself to a glass of rum at a bar, then grabbed a knife and started chasing people around. Firefighters caught and disarmed the primate, because in Brazil, “fire” is a loose term. But sadly, the monkey was released, rather than being interrogated.

Elsewhere in Brazil, onlookers were threatened by a crab that also armed itself with a knife. When a crab has a knife in its claw, find yourself a gun.

Some problems can actually be solved with ice cream

There was nearly an escape of a large number on monkeys from a zoo in England yesterday, and thanks to the quick thinking of facility employees, disaster was averted.

A group chimpanzees somehow made it out of their holding area and into “a secure area” while they were being moved to new housing. Apparently they were just steps away from breaking out of the zoo altogether. And they would have, had zoo workers not coaxed them back in with ice cream and “fizzy drinks.”

Had this happened in New York, Michael Bloomberg would have had those heroes arrested for trying to make the chimps fat.

Ad space made better with invisible actors

PETA: the terrorist organization that you can’t live with them, the terrorist organization you can definitely live without them. That’s probably the attitude that Dodge shares with us. A recent commercial by them had the company dress a chimpanzee up like Evil Knievel. We have no problem humiliating animals by putting them in funny outfits for the benefit of laughter, especially when they are performing a task for us.

But no, PETA felt that was far too much. Why should an animal do a job for us? As such, they began the most terrifying of actions: a letter-writing campaign.

However, Dodge magnanimously decided to respond back to said campaign.

Dodge apparently got PETA’s message and decided to have a little fun. They made another similar commercial touting an upcoming summer clearance sale, only this time, instead of a monkey, they cast … drumroll, please … an invisible monkey.

Don’t worry PETA. You don’t have to worry about any invisible monkeys being injured. But man oh man, is PETIS (People for the Ethical Treatment of Invisible Simians) gonna be pissed.

Titis under man’s clothes in airport!

Reader, do you:

  • Hate animals?
  • Fear illegal Latino immigrants?
  • Find words that sound like “titties” hilarious and verrrrry arousing?

Then get the monitor swabs ready, because you’re about to shoot your SeriouslyLoad!

A man was arrested trying to smuggle 18 illegal Peruvian titi monkeys into the Mexico City Airport. Hm, a human smuggling contraband in his clothes in Mexico. We wonder where they were headed next. (By “wonder,” we mean “know exactly.”)

As fun as it is to snort coke off of titis, especially off those belonging to strippers, you are abetting a horrible trade and aiding the enemy in the War on Animals.

The lines blur

It’s not very often that the War on Animals and the War on Terrorism intersect. Terrorism is a much more clear-cut enemy, and you can either be for it or against it. Few countries have the foresight that this blog does when it comes to the animals rebelling against us around the world. No more.

At least one news outlet in Asia (totally credible, right?) is reporting that the Taliban is training monkeys, yes, monkeys, to fight U.S. troops in Afghanistan. They are being trained in the mountains of Afghanistan and Pakistan to shoot at people wearing uniforms like those of American soldiers. If they shoot, apparently they are rewarded with a banana.

Now can we kill all the monkeys?

Fresh new beats

It was recently determined that monkeys do not like what we call music. I am not sure if this means they hate everything from Mozart to that new Jay-Z song, but apparently they do not appreciate music we like.

Why is this? Perhaps they think they are better than us, perhaps hearing our music only reminds them of how oppressive we have been toward all animals for thousands of years.

Now, musicians are making music for monkeys–and they like it. You know how elevator music is intended to put us in a better mood? Imagine the control we could have over these creatures, we could control them! At the very worst, we can tell them that the music they like sucks.


It’s worse than we thought

I hope you’re sitting down. I’ve got some very bad news.

No, I’m talking about a man attempting to create government funded dinosaurs by fusing chickens with ancient DNA and thus destroy us all. Nor am I talking about how science has managed to create the scariest looking monkeys of all time.

Yet still am I not talking about how the Department of Veterans Affairs managed to “accidentally” diagnose over eighteen hundred veterans with Lou Gehrig’s disease. Whoopsidoodle!

What I am talking about is the potential latest victim of the economic crisis: beer.

It appears that due to low sales volumes across the world, brewers are going to be raising prices. Anheuser-Busch InBev has already announced that they’ll be increasing the cost of alcohol pure sip come this fall. But it doesn’t with just the crappy beer produced by them. MillerCoors and Heineken will be raising their prices as well, though MillerCoors states that this is “part of the company’s regular fall increases.”

So, what does this mean for you, faithful reader? Not a lot of good. Despite the hurricane/tornado/storm speculator mentality that this will sound like, I can wholeheartedly recommend rushing out and buying up beer at the price it is now, if it hasn’t been raised. I’m already hurt by the decisions. It’s hard enough for me to find Sam Adam’s Summer Ale (my personal favorite) as it is right now, since the season is essentially over for it-but to pay more for it? Talk about paying painfully for pleasure.