Ad space made better with invisible actors

PETA: the terrorist organization that you can’t live with them, the terrorist organization you can definitely live without them. That’s probably the attitude that Dodge shares with us. A recent commercial by them had the company dress a chimpanzee up like Evil Knievel. We have no problem humiliating animals by putting them in funny outfits for the benefit of laughter, especially when they are performing a task for us.

But no, PETA felt that was far too much. Why should an animal do a job for us? As such, they began the most terrifying of actions: a letter-writing campaign.

However, Dodge magnanimously decided to respond back to said campaign.

Dodge apparently got PETA’s message and decided to have a little fun. They made another similar commercial touting an upcoming summer clearance sale, only this time, instead of a monkey, they cast … drumroll, please … an invisible monkey.

Don’t worry PETA. You don’t have to worry about any invisible monkeys being injured. But man oh man, is PETIS (People for the Ethical Treatment of Invisible Simians) gonna be pissed.

Titis under man’s clothes in airport!

Reader, do you:

  • Hate animals?
  • Fear illegal Latino immigrants?
  • Find words that sound like “titties” hilarious and verrrrry arousing?

Then get the monitor swabs ready, because you’re about to shoot your SeriouslyLoad!

A man was arrested trying to smuggle 18 illegal Peruvian titi monkeys into the Mexico City Airport. Hm, a human smuggling contraband in his clothes in Mexico. We wonder where they were headed next. (By “wonder,” we mean “know exactly.”)

As fun as it is to snort coke off of titis, especially off those belonging to strippers, you are abetting a horrible trade and aiding the enemy in the War on Animals.

The lines blur

It’s not very often that the War on Animals and the War on Terrorism intersect. Terrorism is a much more clear-cut enemy, and you can either be for it or against it. Few countries have the foresight that this blog does when it comes to the animals rebelling against us around the world. No more.

At least one news outlet in Asia (totally credible, right?) is reporting that the Taliban is training monkeys, yes, monkeys, to fight U.S. troops in Afghanistan. They are being trained in the mountains of Afghanistan and Pakistan to shoot at people wearing uniforms like those of American soldiers. If they shoot, apparently they are rewarded with a banana.

Now can we kill all the monkeys?

Fresh new beats

It was recently determined that monkeys do not like what we call music. I am not sure if this means they hate everything from Mozart to that new Jay-Z song, but apparently they do not appreciate music we like.

Why is this? Perhaps they think they are better than us, perhaps hearing our music only reminds them of how oppressive we have been toward all animals for thousands of years.

Now, musicians are making music for monkeys–and they like it. You know how elevator music is intended to put us in a better mood? Imagine the control we could have over these creatures, we could control them! At the very worst, we can tell them that the music they like sucks.


It’s worse than we thought

I hope you’re sitting down. I’ve got some very bad news.

No, I’m talking about a man attempting to create government funded dinosaurs by fusing chickens with ancient DNA and thus destroy us all. Nor am I talking about how science has managed to create the scariest looking monkeys of all time.

Yet still am I not talking about how the Department of Veterans Affairs managed to “accidentally” diagnose over eighteen hundred veterans with Lou Gehrig’s disease. Whoopsidoodle!

What I am talking about is the potential latest victim of the economic crisis: beer.

It appears that due to low sales volumes across the world, brewers are going to be raising prices. Anheuser-Busch InBev has already announced that they’ll be increasing the cost of alcohol pure sip come this fall. But it doesn’t with just the crappy beer produced by them. MillerCoors and Heineken will be raising their prices as well, though MillerCoors states that this is “part of the company’s regular fall increases.”

So, what does this mean for you, faithful reader? Not a lot of good. Despite the hurricane/tornado/storm speculator mentality that this will sound like, I can wholeheartedly recommend rushing out and buying up beer at the price it is now, if it hasn’t been raised. I’m already hurt by the decisions. It’s hard enough for me to find Sam Adam’s Summer Ale (my personal favorite) as it is right now, since the season is essentially over for it-but to pay more for it? Talk about paying painfully for pleasure.

The animal equivalent of shoe throwing

It seems like we’re starting off a lot of our mornings with stories about the War on Animals these days. We’re sorry about that, but our job isn’t to make the news or even filter it, our job is to let you know what’s going on when no one else will. You’re welcome.

And now, monkeys have little respect for Zambian President Rupiah Banda. The monkey, hiding in a tree like the coward it is, peed on the president during a press conference. The president’s reaction: “Perhaps these are blessings.”

Mr. President, you may believe you are golden, but your showers are not supposed to be.

You Missed It: Damn dirty ape edition

This is the really sucky time of year. You’re broke from Valentine’s Day, it’s cold, and the only sports you can watch are those of college (sorry, NHL, you don’t count). We all just need to stick it out a few more weeks until the glory that is St. Patrick’s Day is upon us. So while we’re waiting for that time warp we ordered, here’s something to pass the time.

If you were busy putting out a new license agreement saying you own whatever users upload to your site, then retracting your statement, odds are you missed it.

Oh George, you certainly are a curious little monkey
Like most Americans, Sandra Herold of Stamford, Connecticut had a pet chimpanzee. It was so cute when she got it as a baby. She fed it well, trained it, slept next to it in a bed and even gave it kisses when she left the house. But one day, the chimp turned into a 200-lb. monster. It came out of nowhere. How could anyone see a large, powerful monkey with an owner whose mental stability is questionable be seen as a threat? On Monday, the chimp attacked a woman, nearly killing her. Police had to shoot the monkey. Remember: this could happen to you are your chimp, too.

Sharpton not an ally in the War on Animals
On Wednesday, the New York Post ran a political cartoon making reference to the chimp incident. It showed a dead chimp and two cops with guns, one saying inferring that a monkey had been the one working on the economic stimulus bill. The black community, lead in part by Rev. Al Sharpton, saw this as a racially insensitive cartoon. Because, you know, sensitivity is what we have all come to expect from a splashy tabloid like the Post.

Worst case: One could end up elected governor
A report from the military warned of giving machines too much killing power and autonomy this week. The U.S. Office of Naval Research report says that if we giving killing machines too much automated power, we could risk a machine mutiny and subsequent war against the human race. The report stressed extensive testing before unleashing any new robot weapons into the field, adding, “Dude, that new Terminator movie coming out this summer looks sa-weet!!!”

No more monkey business

We’ve talked about eating monkey meat in the past and clearly some people don’t get it. Yes, eating your fallen enemy can be quite gratifying, but it’s not all that safe.

More so, if you want to eat monkey in the U.S., you need to have a permit for it. A Liberian woman is claiming in court that she has been smuggling monkey meat into the country under the First Amendment. There some Christians eat monkeys for spiritual reasons. This, of course, is a really stupid argument, but entertaining nonetheless.

So as a helpful reminder, think of monkey meat as a gun, you need a permit for it, and it can kill you.

Animals introduce germ warfare

Eating monkeys, as it turns out, may not be the healthiest thing for you–unless your idea of health is illness. We know, this sounds like crazy talk, but we feel it is our job to tell you about this concern.

According to a CNN report, people in Africa have turned to eating the local monkey population because of the rising price of food. In some respects, this is good news, because now the people, without incentives from Big Government, are going out and taking the fight to the animals–and winning!

On the other hand, some of these warriors are getting some pretty nasty diseases like monkeypox, which, like chickenpox, can only be caught from contact with its namesake.

So, if you happen to be in Africa and you’re on a safari or scrounging for food or whatever, do not eat monkeys, no matter how tasty they look. However, it’s perfectly OK to kill them. They are our enemies after all, and we must stop their attempts at germ warfare.

What are you thinking, India?

India had a gorilla. Only one gorilla. They know exactly where it is at all times and they have even been trying to fix her up for the past eight years. Nothing’s happened on that front.

Obviously, we say good job, matchmakers. We don’t need any more gorillas in this world, and certainly India is included in that. Gorillas are like nuclear (or “nukular,” for our Republican leadership readers) weapons. The more of them there are, the worse off everyone is. Yet India insists on proliferating apes of mass destruction.

India, don’t you have enough problems as it is? Your country is over populated, you’re in an arms race with Pakistan (aka Next On Our Invasion List), and your cities are already overrun with monkeys. Sounds to us like you have enough primate problems as it is.

Say, we know a nice date for your girl.