Cops refuse to let man go after playing “get out of jail free” card

Like a board game, our society has rules. We call them laws. And law enforcement officers are charged with making sure everyone follows the rules. But what if the rules are being thrown out?

In Minnesota, a man was arrested on a felony warrant over the weekend. The man produced a “get out of jail free” card from the Monopoly board game, and in a flagrant violation of the rules, the police ignored it. They claimed that the card has no legal standing. Oh yeah? Then why do you get out of jail when you play it in a civilized setting? Folks, we are a nation of rules, and if those we assign the task of enforcing those rules fail us, we must take the rules into our own hands.

The Parker Brothers are spinning in their graves.

Will the shoe be given the boot?

Monopoly is a fantastic game. Next to Snakes & Ladders, it’s the only other game where numerous families have been nearly destroyed over long, drawn out games that take place over the holidays, and that’s just following the rules out of the box. Throw in special house rules and extra below the table agreements, and you’ve got “My First Totalitarian Rule” in a box.

But everything’s changing now! Hasbro has decided that it’s time to update the classic game, and as such, one of the long used pieces is getting the boot. Internet users can go to a Facebook page and cast their vote for their favorite piece.

Allow us to lobby for the end of the thimble. It’s the most boring piece out of them all, has no intrinsic special powers (unlike the other pieces: shoe gets to boot other pieces, battleship gets to shoot down houses, top hat has built-in extra money) and no one bothers with thimbles anymore. It’s time for the old to go out and make room for the new. Vote out the thimble, and vote in the robot.

I’m gonna make it rain!

Canadian McDonald’s, prepare to make me your KING!

McDonald’s of Canada has begun selling fast food in exchange for bills from Monopoly. You read that correctly. Fake money is actually being traded for real(-ish) food. In lieu of legal tender. This insane act is being done in celebration of the return of their now classic promotion (just take a guess what it’s called) in the Great White North.

The fun money will only get you a free large fries (like I said, real-ish food), but single Monopoly dollars are of the same equivalent trade-in value as the five hundred dollar variety.

So, what does this mean? As the owner of 4 different versions of the game, and my parents own 5 different versions, I don’t think it’s a stretch to declare me the richest man in Canadian McDonald’s. Which is roughly the same as being the first runner-up of the NIT.

What’s this all aboot?

When you hear the word monopoly, you tend to think of AT&T, your local cable companies (hello Cox and Comcast, I’m speaking to you) or even a board game. The last thing you could ever connect with that word is Canada, right? Right?

Wrong. Global warming, (for everyone that does believe in it), is beginning to affect maple trees in New England. And by affect, I mean “slowly decreasing the amount that grow.” But only in the New England area, which leads to my earlier comment: Canada’s maple trees are apparently not being affected by global warming.

Oh sure, Canada may seem nice and friendly, perhaps like a jovial and helpful neighbor to the north … but deep down, I think we all know that they would have no problem implementing an iron fist on a sugary sweet stronghold if they’re given the chance. Once that happens, don’t be surprised to see maple syrup prices rise to an all time high. Soon, the waffle, pancake and french toast industries will all go down in flames-except in Canada, where it’ll be a new golden age for Canadian breakfast items.

To all the Republican party members, conservatives and naysayers: this stuff is real enough to majorly affect me. I can’t have pancakes without maple syrup. DON’T FORCE ME TO EAT PANCAKES WITHOUT MAPLE SYRUP! DON’T!

Not so Happy Meal now

The San Francisco city board passed a bill that bans “restaurants from handing out toys with meals that fail to meet basic nutritional standards for fat, calories, and sodium.” The target of the bill is the McDonald’s Happy Meal, which famously lures children in once a week to get the latest plastic movie tie-in.

However, if San Francisco really cared, they’d get rid of McDonald’s Monopoly, which convinces stupid people to eat there every day.