At least Hurricane Harvey slayed this beast for us

The recent hurricanes have done a lot of damage to Texas, Florida and the Caribbean. Many might say that it has shown the goodness in people, and that is the only good thing to come from these tragedies. That is a falsehood. They also killed an ugly monster for us.

A couple weeks ago, Hurricane Harvey battered coastal Texas in a way not seen since the Comanche Great Raid of 1840 (historical reference!). Houston was devastated, and folks are trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. But at least they don’t have to worry about a monster lurking in the waters.

A woman found this monstrosity lying on the beach in Texas. Mercifully, it was dead. Now, she’s hoping someone can tell her what the hell it is. As you can see above, it’s long, ugly and has teeth. It kind of resembles a xenomorph. We can thank Harvey for killing this beast and making the Gulf of Mexico safe for us.

Unless this monster has a family swimming around out there.

Ancient humans were bad painters, researchers say

The first-known depiction of "Liar, liar, pants on fire."
The first-known depiction of “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

The world of science has brought us some good news, and unfortunately, some bad news, too. Because we’re all about talking about the bad news here at SG, let’s go with the good news first: Turns out, creationists are wrong again.

In Utah, the 2,000-year-old rock paintings in Utah’s Black Dragon Canyon have finally been identified. The paintings have faded since they were created way back when, and some said the shape looked like a winged monster, and creationists said it was a pterosaur. After using modern imaging techniques, researchers found that the monster is actually several separate things. There’s a human, a smaller person, a sheep, a dog, a bug-eyed person, and a serpent like thing.

The bad news? Apparently, bug-eyed people and weird snake-like things used to roam what is now Utah, and there’s no reason to think they’ve stopped doing so.

Georgia lawmaker introduces anti-monster bill

Many people don’t know this, but Georgia is being overrun by mad scientists seeking to create monsters that they can unleash on the world. But luckily, they have at least one state lawmaker who isn’t afraid to take a stand.

State Rep. Tom Kirby has introduced a bill that would bar researchers from creating a hybrid embryo using genetic material from humans and animals. Kirby wants to make sure that no one creates a mermaid, centaur or werewolf. He said if they are naturally occurring monsters, that’s fine, but we don’t need to make them ourselves.

Monsters in the pond

France is under attack, which means surrender is all but imminent at this point.

One or several crocodiles were reported in a pond near a French village, and apparently, the Frenchies aren’t used to seeing them. But the locals are calling it the “Loch Ness monster of the Vosges,” because they think it’s a monster and “the Vosges monster” was apparently taken.

Rather than grabbing torches and pitchforks, as most villagers would do when confronted with a monster, they are trying to draw the monster out, using a chicken as bait, and they may even drain the pond.

Another idea being kicked around is the construction of a massive, fortified wall along the path the crocodiles have previously invaded.

Get your crucifixes ready

As part of our ongoing coverage of the appearance of monsters across the world, we bring you this frightening bulletin: German police have found a great deal of dead animals in around the city of Bochum lately. Ordinarily, this blog would think this is a good thing.

However, 21 rabbits, three chickens and four foul wild birds have been found decapitated and drained of their blood. This blog is never one to jump to conclusions, but normally, when blood starts getting drained in any Austro-German territory, it means bad things. The Guys recommend staying alert.

Octopi: Moral degenerates

Scientists with way too much free time on their hands have announced the results of a recent study of octopi and their sex habits. What they found only further shows how evil animals are and how they practice sexual rituals previously only associated with pagans. We need to kill these eight-armed monsters.

First off, they kill each other for women. That’s called jealousy and it is a hallmark of a poor father figure. Most likely these males had alcoholic fathers or deadbeat dads.

What is worse is that often, the males will swim like females in order to get in close and get past bigger males and get in close with the ladies. They will eventually show their true colors, and like some bizarre romance movie, the females love it. Folks, cross-dressing is only OK if you’re J. Edgar Hoover, and last time I checked, he only had two arms and two legs.

How To: Survive a monster attack

History teaches us all something very important: monsters are out there and they will kill you. Wait, wasn’t it history that said there were dragons flying around and sea monsters at the ends of the Earth?

Maybe it’s Hollywood. Yes, Hollywood teaches us that monsters are out there and they will kill you. Take Cloverfield for example, something attacks New York and you get to see it firsthand through a herky-jerky hand held camera. This is not just entertainment, this is a cautionary tale. You can trust Hollywood, when have they ever lied to you? All they have ever done is make you laugh, cry and become infatuated with organized crime. That’s not wrong, is it?

Because the threat of monsters is ever-present, The Guys bring you this survival guide in case the worst should happen, and by the worst, we mean something large, green and ugly stumbles into town asking about you.

Continue reading How To: Survive a monster attack