Monsters in the pond

France is under attack, which means surrender is all but imminent at this point.

One or several crocodiles were reported in a pond near a French village, and apparently, the Frenchies aren’t used to seeing them. But the locals are calling it the “Loch Ness monster of the Vosges,” because they think it’s a monster and “the Vosges monster” was apparently taken.

Rather than grabbing torches and pitchforks, as most villagers would do when confronted with a monster, they are trying to draw the monster out, using a chicken as bait, and they may even drain the pond.

Another idea being kicked around is the construction of a massive, fortified wall along the path the crocodiles have previously invaded.

Get your crucifixes ready

As part of our ongoing coverage of the appearance of monsters across the world, we bring you this frightening bulletin: German police have found a great deal of dead animals in around the city of Bochum lately. Ordinarily, this blog would think this is a good thing.

However, 21 rabbits, three chickens and four foul wild birds have been found decapitated and drained of their blood. This blog is never one to jump to conclusions, but normally, when blood starts getting drained in any Austro-German territory, it means bad things. The Guys recommend staying alert.

Octopi: Moral degenerates

Scientists with way too much free time on their hands have announced the results of a recent study of octopi and their sex habits. What they found only further shows how evil animals are and how they practice sexual rituals previously only associated with pagans. We need to kill these eight-armed monsters.

First off, they kill each other for women. That’s called jealousy and it is a hallmark of a poor father figure. Most likely these males had alcoholic fathers or deadbeat dads.

What is worse is that often, the males will swim like females in order to get in close and get past bigger males and get in close with the ladies. They will eventually show their true colors, and like some bizarre romance movie, the females love it. Folks, cross-dressing is only OK if you’re J. Edgar Hoover, and last time I checked, he only had two arms and two legs.

How To: Survive a monster attack

History teaches us all something very important: monsters are out there and they will kill you. Wait, wasn’t it history that said there were dragons flying around and sea monsters at the ends of the Earth?

Maybe it’s Hollywood. Yes, Hollywood teaches us that monsters are out there and they will kill you. Take Cloverfield for example, something attacks New York and you get to see it firsthand through a herky-jerky hand held camera. This is not just entertainment, this is a cautionary tale. You can trust Hollywood, when have they ever lied to you? All they have ever done is make you laugh, cry and become infatuated with organized crime. That’s not wrong, is it?

Because the threat of monsters is ever-present, The Guys bring you this survival guide in case the worst should happen, and by the worst, we mean something large, green and ugly stumbles into town asking about you.

Continue reading How To: Survive a monster attack