You can lock your doors and shut your windows. You can have the best home security system that money can buy. Animals will still find a way into your house. Will you be ready when they do?
The Indian government found itself under attack when two monkeys made their way inside a government building, sending public servants scrambling for safety. Luckily no one was injured, and the monkeys were chased off by security guards. But many suspect this was simply a probe of defenses ahead of a real attack.
In Dallas, Texas, customers at Chipotle had their meals ruined by something other than salmonella. Witnesses reported rats, (or mice, because no one in Texas can tell the difference) falling out of the ceiling and scurrying around the restaurant. But because they had been gorging themselves on Chipotle, the rodents were slow-moving and easily rounded up for questioning.
The federal government is finally going to use drones to target animals. As proud supporters of humans in our battle for control of the world, The Guys would like to support this idea. The only problem is they’re not using the drones to kill.
The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service plans to use drones to hunt down black footed ferrets in Montana, but rather than exterminate them, the drones will vaccinate the beasts. The plan calls for a squadron of specially designed drones to fire vaccines at the ferrets, to keep them from being killed by the sylvatic plague, which doesn’t sound friendly.
The drone will be able to fire in three directions simultaneously, but until it carries sidewinder missiles, we’re declaring it a waste of taxpayer money.
For a bunch of supposed professionals telling us that it’s not real, scientists sure are obsessed with the zombie apocalypse. This time, they’re telling us where in the country we should or shouldn’t go.
According to researchers as Cornell, when the zombie outbreak happens, your best bet is to go someplace where no one really lives. Specifically, Montana and Nevada. Apparently those places could go for months, while the rest of the U.S. is overtaken by the undead hordes.
The worst place to be is northeastern Pennsylvania, according to the study.
We may have taken a week off, but that doesn’t mean the War on Animals did. In fact, our foes seemed to have stepped up their efforts because they thought we weren’t watching. They were wrong.
We’ll begin in Japan, where motorists in two cities in the Nagano prefecture got tangled up because many of the traffic lights went dark. The reason was excessive amounts of bird poop. Not on the traffic lights themselves, but on an electric substation that controlled the power flowing to them. The local power company said that there was so much bird crap at the substation that it dripped into the equipment and caused a short. The birds are still at large.
Now onto Malmstrom Air Force Base in Montana, which is where we keep many of our nuclear missiles, armed and at the ready to send some unlucky enemy back into some sort of weird, irradiated Stone Age. But a species of ground squirrel is leading an assault on our biggest weapons. The Richardson’s ground squirrel has been burrowing under the fences of the base all summer long, and it’s been setting off motion sensors, forcing military personnel to drive out and see if there is a security threat. It distracts our boys from doing their jobs, and keeps them from being at the ready.
Luckily, the Air Force has caught a few of these animal-terrorists, and is hard at work designing a squirrel-proof fence to defeat their attempted intrusions.
Nobody actually knows what a moose sounds like. Do they growl? Roar? Purr? Bellow? Do they even make noises? We just don’t know and it’s information that’s a lot more critical to us than anyone realizes. Moose attacks are (probably) on the rise. If we had information on their calls, we could prevent unneeded accidents! We could prevent damage to humans! We could prevent what happened to a Montana woman.
Scientists, we need this funded and taken care of. Observe, research and then remove the test patients. Information and nutrition all in one!
With President Barack Obama’s inauguration in January 2009, you might have thought that was the end of racism in America. Don’t worry, mein klein kampfs: there’s still plenty to go around.
Some of you probably already know closet racists. You know, the uncle that “doesn’t want to be racist” but “some stereotypes are just true.” Montana’s chief federal judge, Richard Cebull, found himself in just that predicament. He didn’t want to be racist, yet he forwarded an admittedly racist email depicting the President being sired by his mother and an animal because “it was a bit touching.” Judge Cebull still claims he’s not a racist, but you can’t run from what the heart feels, your honor.
But, did you know that there are still out and proud racists? Illinois Republican congressional candidate Arthur Jones wants you to know that “this idea that 6 million Jews were killed in the Holocaust is the biggest, blackest lie in history.” That’s right: not only is he a “former” member of the Nationalist Socialist White People’s Party, but he even thinks lies are black, too.
It’s good to know that, despite the promises, not everything is subject to change.
The city of Hardin, Montana wants to host the 240 Guantanamo detainees when President Barack Obama closes Camp X-Ray. It’s not that they have a hard-on for bearded terrorist suspects; they have an empty $27 million jail and construction debts to pay off.
Unfortunately, the rest of the state says, “No. Not yours. Do not want.” (Montana typically elects cats to public office since there are only twelve human residents.)
So, are they being denied because the detainees would “exceed the capacity of the U.S. District Court in Billings, which would have jurisdiction over their cases,” as stated by U.S. Senator Max Baucus?
It’s an interesting theory, but probably because they don’t want the Federal Government to officially deny Hardin, calling the remote Montana city “cruel and unusual punishment — and we’re talking about terrorist ####bags here.”