Hey, uh, paramedics? Maybe you play it safe in that area if more of you are called for, okay?
With President Barack Obama’s inauguration in January 2009, you might have thought that was the end of racism in America. Don’t worry, mein klein kampfs: there’s still plenty to go around.
Some of you probably already know closet racists. You know, the uncle that “doesn’t want to be racist” but “some stereotypes are just true.” Montana’s chief federal judge, Richard Cebull, found himself in just that predicament. He didn’t want to be racist, yet he forwarded an admittedly racist email depicting the President being sired by his mother and an animal because “it was a bit touching.” Judge Cebull still claims he’s not a racist, but you can’t run from what the heart feels, your honor.
But, did you know that there are still out and proud racists? Illinois Republican congressional candidate Arthur Jones wants you to know that “this idea that 6 million Jews were killed in the Holocaust is the biggest, blackest lie in history.” That’s right: not only is he a “former” member of the Nationalist Socialist White People’s Party, but he even thinks lies are black, too.
It’s good to know that, despite the promises, not everything is subject to change.
Two medical pot stores in Montana were firebombed and vandalized. In a short period of time, for the stoners of Billings, it was both the best of times and the worst of times.
The city of Hardin, Montana wants to host the 240 Guantanamo detainees when President Barack Obama closes Camp X-Ray. It’s not that they have a hard-on for bearded terrorist suspects; they have an empty $27 million jail and construction debts to pay off.
Unfortunately, the rest of the state says, “No. Not yours. Do not want.” (Montana typically elects cats to public office since there are only twelve human residents.)
So, are they being denied because the detainees would “exceed the capacity of the U.S. District Court in Billings, which would have jurisdiction over their cases,” as stated by U.S. Senator Max Baucus?
It’s an interesting theory, but probably because they don’t want the Federal Government to officially deny Hardin, calling the remote Montana city “cruel and unusual punishment — and we’re talking about terrorist ####bags here.”
The war has taken many sharp turns. A few wins here for us, and a few here and there for the animals. But we let our key victory slip right through our hands. The grizzly bear was on the verge of extinction. That’s right kids, our little war nearly wiped out an entire species. But recent findings have shown the bears to be rebounding in an astonishing fashion.
Fact: there are 765 grizzlies in the northwest part of Montana. Now how safe do you feel?
Fact: they will steal your pic-a-nic basket.
Fact: they have been migrating to golf courses.
Fact: they have hacked our airline system and are learning to fly. Unconfirmed reports have the bears going under the guise of “Bear-Qaeda.”