Why’s the shark gotta be white?

For those of you who have been afraid to step into the ocean in fear of the Great White Shark, it’s over. We got him. He is safely behind glass where he can never hurt you again.

Authorities captured what they describe (according to the art of paraphrasing) as a “juvenile offender” off the coast of Malibu, presumably after some eagle-eyed celebrity used their magic better-than-us powers to spot it. The shark was transferred from the Malibu holding pen to the Monterey Bay Aquatic Penitentiary, where fish and really naughty air-breathing criminals are held until they make parole. Or drown.

Unfortunately, we all know that California’s justice system is equipped with a revolving door. Prison officials have already confirmed that they will release the shark as soon as it begins appearing stressed or taking “aggressive actions toward other inmates” — like Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. Our advice is to get your beach on while there’s still time.

Fish deadly to humans, this time for eating purposes

The Monterey Bay Aquarium’s Seafood Watch program has assigned a red “avoid” recommendation to wild-caught California and Oregon salmon, based on continued low levels of salmon returning to the Sacramento River. Gee, that’s helpful. While that advice may seem clear cut, the change in recommendations can be confusing.

The avoid rating for Oregon salmon applies only to fish caught south of Cape Falcon. It does not apply to the entire state of Oregon. That’s because there are two different salmon stocks being fished on the Pacific coast-those that spawn in the Sacramento River, where stock levels have been troubled in recent years; and salmon fished from the Columbia River, thought to have moderately healthy population levels.

Hey, nature, I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but when you came into existence, you agreed to an unspoken social contract. The terms were that we wouldn’t eat all of you, just the strong majority of you, and as such, you wouldn’t try to kill us. By keeping your population in a perpetual declination, you are clearly trying to kill us, albeit, very slowly. Knock it off.