Take this weekend to prepare for the animal uprising. You will thank us later.
The solar eclipse that’s going to streak across the U.S. from Oregon to South Carolina on Monday is going to be quite a spectacle, but it may also be the sign for the animals to unite and attack us. Experts warn that the sun being blotted out by the moon could mess up some animals. From your pets to wild animals, especially ones that only come out at night, will probably start acting strange because it’s suddenly not day for a bit. Llamas line up, dolphins hang out on the ocean surface, dogs and cats living together — mass hysteria!
Because of this, it seems pretty likely that animals across the continent will take the eclipse as a sign to begin the revolution. Arm yourselves.
Dr. Stephen Hawking, famous physicist and total bummer at a party, is continuing to say that mankind is doomed. In fact, we’ve only got a century left, so we should probably get going on the colonizing of somewhere else.
We’ve got robots to worry about, climate change, nuclear war, even genetically engineered diseases coming our way. And because of that, the world needs to work together to colonize the moon in 2020 and Mars in 2025. Beyond that, mankind will need to further colonize space if it is to survive, as Earth’s resources are dwindling, Dr. Chuckles said.
But there is good news: we may not have to wait that long for life on Earth as we know it to come to an end. As you know, there is a supervolcano that sits beneath Yellowstone National Park. Well, there have been a series of earthquakes at the supervolcano. If it erupts, it would kill a lot in the immediate area, but it would also send enough ash into the atmosphere to block out the sun for much of the planet, which would surely kill crops and lead to a worldwide famine. The U.S. Geological Survey says these quakes don’t indicate an eruption, but of course they would say that.
The Guys are all about space travel … so long as we work out a few hitches first. Most notably: the distinct lack of sustainable alcohol supplies up there in the void.
Bringing your own vodka with you like a cosmonaut is fine if you only plan to backpack to low Earth orbit for a weekend. But, for extended stays on the moon and beyond? Let’s just say we don’t want to risk over-reliance on resupply missions from an organization that prizes buzzcuts more than getting buzzed. (Yes, we mean you, NASA.)
Fortunately, UC San Diego undergrads are on the space case race. Team Original Gravity, a group of engineering students, hope to win a trip into space to brew our first lunar beer. They are competing for a spot on TeamIndus’ moonlander against 25 other finalists, so they could use our help with sponsorships.
Of course, we’re pulling all support if they go up there and make another g*ddamn IPA. (You’ve been warned, Team OG.)
It’s finally here. The Super Bowl. It’s probably the best example of where American culture is, far more than those award shows. Everything’s America-tastic, from the National Anthem, to the commercials, to the crappy halftime shows, to the fact that only rich people can afford to go. Oh, and football is pretty American, too. This must be what the rest of the world feels like during one of those big soccer championship tournaments that seem to happen every five weeks. If you were busy abandoning your car on an Atlanta highway this week, odds are you missed it.
Let your bowels take a vacation
It’s was not a good week to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship, it was the norovirus. We imagine a sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, let’s hope the Bud Light cruise ship going to the Super Bowl is next.
State of Effusion
On Tuesday, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address, in which he laid out a bunch of things he wants to do this year, but Congress almost certainly won’t let him. He also threatened to veto any bill with provisions that could disrupt international talks with Iran regarding its nuclear program. Then he signed a bunch of things lawmakers handed him as he left the room. How does he know someone didn’t have him sign just such a bill?
The saddest rover in the solar system
China’s “Jade Rabbit” lunar rover had barely begun exploring the moon before it started having technical problems. The difficulties had to be put on hold when Chinese scientists put the rover in hibernation for the 14-day lunar night, and they’re not sure if it will wake up. Chinese media reported the rover actually saying before it was shut down, “If this journey must come to an early end, I am not afraid. Whether or not the repairs are successful, I believe even my malfunctions will provide my masters with valuable information and experience.” Just goes to show, you can’t spell “the moon” without “emo.”
It’s inevitable, wherever man goes, beer is destined to follow. For example, the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock in what is now Massachusetts because the Mayflower was running low on beer. So, as humanity expands its presence in space, we take our brew with us.
With the conclusion of the Apollo space missions in 1972, the possibility of lunar colonization has never been more than a flirtatious thought from presidential contenders and presidents looking for filler in State of the Union addresses.
If you know our animal foes as well as we do, then you’re already aware that dung beetles dance on top of their balls of feces. We always thought it was a premature end zone dance (Remember the good old days when dung beetles just handed the ball to the ref?) before rolling it back home.
The beetle rolls its dung ball in a straight line backwards to its poophole. If stopped by an obstacle or for a very important phone call, the beetle almost always does the dance again to once again travel in a straight line to their underground crap chasm. Repeated experiments demonstrate that these beetles are actually using the dance to get their bearings — including “visual clues from the sun, moon, the Earth’s magnetic field or the nearest tall tree” — to plot a course as straight as the constipated crow flies.
Personally, we still think it’s because the beetles know we won’t step on them while they’re standing on poo, a move borrowed from human teenagers and their flaming sacks of duty.
A new moon of sorts has been discovered belonging to Pluto, the dwarf planet that wants to be a full planet SO HARD. As astronomers are a picky bunch, it has yet to be given a true name (we suggest Urtaint), but scientists have currently labeled the mini-moon as P4. Logically, it’s assumed that this is because it’s Pluto’s fourth moon to be discovered; however, we wouldn’t be too surprised that it’s because the astronomers are trying to play a version of Connect Four on a galactic scale.
Thank everything that Pluto’s not a planet anymore. It’d be really dangerous for it to be a full planet with four moons.