Supervillainy ‘Space Race’ begins

With the conclusion of the Apollo space missions in 1972, the possibility of lunar colonization has never been more than a flirtatious thought from presidential contenders and presidents looking for filler in State of the Union addresses.

Supervillains who have postponed their dreams of lunar bases will no longer be able to resist the moon’s gravitational pull now that NASA has found evidence of magma in the moon. That’s right: lunar volcanic lairs.

The only way this could inspire more super, ragier boners is if future lunar orbital missions find enough water on the moon to support mutated shark colonies.

Love, love me poo

If you know our animal foes as well as we do, then you’re already aware that dung beetles dance on top of their balls of feces. We always thought it was a premature end zone dance (Remember the good old days when dung beetles just handed the ball to the ref?) before rolling it back home.

But, South African and Swedish researchers believe they found the true reason for the dance: they’re Tiger Woods-ing that s@%t.

The beetle rolls its dung ball in a straight line backwards to its poophole. If stopped by an obstacle or for a very important phone call, the beetle almost always does the dance again to once again travel in a straight line to their underground crap chasm. Repeated experiments demonstrate that these beetles are actually using the dance to get their bearings — including “visual clues from the sun, moon, the Earth’s magnetic field or the nearest tall tree” — to plot a course as straight as the constipated crow flies.

Personally, we still think it’s because the beetles know we won’t step on them while they’re standing on poo, a move borrowed from human teenagers and their flaming sacks of duty.


That’s no moo-oh, wait, no, it is

A new moon of sorts has been discovered belonging to Pluto, the dwarf planet that wants to be a full planet SO HARD. As astronomers are a picky bunch, it has yet to be given a true name (we suggest Urtaint), but scientists have currently labeled the mini-moon as P4. Logically, it’s assumed that this is because it’s Pluto’s fourth moon to be discovered; however, we wouldn’t be too surprised that it’s because the astronomers are trying to play a version of Connect Four on a galactic scale.

Thank everything that Pluto’s not a planet anymore. It’d be really dangerous for it to be a full planet with four moons.

Humpback whales: the largest nerds on Earth

We already knew there was something geeky about humpback whales. Their scoliosis is a dead giveaway, and swimmers are just below soccer players–but above mathletes–in the hierarchy of athletics.

But, now science believes that they may use astronomy to track their annual migration between the equator and polar regions. That’s full-blown nerdry right there.

Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.

But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.

By “stand up,” I mean to tell my own story, which is so incredible that it can only prove their claims are no less preposterous. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

You Missed It: Muy triste edition

It’s Friday the 13th, you know what that means–it means tomorrow is Saturday the 14th! It is also the holiday season, and I know all of you are planning to get me something, please feel free to email me for gift ideas. If you were busy throwing five picks in a game, odds are you missed it.

Dobbs out
In a surprise move, CNN anchorperson Lou Dobbs announced on his show “Lou Dobbs Tonight” (what are the odds someone named Lou Dobbs would get a show named that, huh?) that he would be leaving CNN at the end of the broadcast Wednesday night. Dobbs was known for his economic views, his conservative stance on illegal immigration and his trademark signoff, “Adios, muchachos!”

Prepare to be Palinized
Remember Sarah Palin? She’s back with her new book, Going Rogue, which was leaked this week. In it, Palin gives her point of view on the feud with the McCain campaign and Katie Couric. The most shocking revelation of the book: her forbidden tryst with then Sen. Joe Biden.

Hey, it beats having a team in Phoenix
NASA announced that not only was the moon bombing successful, but it helped uncover lunar ice. This is an amazing scientific discovery, because, well, I have no idea. However, it increases hockey’s chance as the first sport to be played on the moon.

The McBournie Minute: ‘I see the moon, the moon sees me’

For the most part, space really hasn’t been that exciting in a long time. Sure, there has been some attention paid when a new rover lands on Mars, or there is a tragedy, or we send John Glenn up into orbit again. But really, we just don’t care about space the way we did in the 1950s and 1960s.

That is until recently.

NASA brought us into yet another interstellar war last Friday morning when it bombed the moon. They “claim” it was to see if the debris kicked up by the impact could prove that the moon was, in fact, made of cheese, but the Internet knows better. It always does. That is why we live in the Porn Information Age. The age of citizen journalism. The age when you don’t need any fancy pants “credibility” or “evidence” to support your claims. Bearing this in mind, here is what really happened to the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: ‘I see the moon, the moon sees me’

You Missed It: Random award edition

A long time ago, a man named Columbus discovered the New World for Europeans. He explored the vast new land found in several voyages, and brought civilization (and smallpox) to the local native population. We celebrate that event by giving a handful of people a Monday off. If you are one of them, I hate you. If you were busy blowing up the moon, odds are you missed it.

It’s not special if everybody gets one
President Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize this week, despite only being in office for 11 days before the nomination deadline. Obama is widely credited for his peaceful negotiations that convinced the Bush administration to vacate the White House. He joins Theodore Roosevelt (who won for letting the Japanese and Russians kill each other for a while) and Woodrow Wilson (who peacefully told Germany that the Great War was all their fault, solving the problem forever) as the only sitting presidents to win the prize.

The parks that booze built
Anheuser Busch InBev said this week that it would sell the theme parks it picked up when InBev bought Anheuser Busch. Say, Disney’s been buying up stuff lately. Maybe they’ll be interested. Then you could get tanked with Tinkerbell!

‘This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy’
Did you think you had seen the last of the Vacation movies? Man, you were wrong! We’re going to get ANOTHER damn movie, only this time, it’s going to be following Rusty and his family. Which Rusty we’ll be following remains to be seen.

Yet another moon hoax

In 1969, the Apollo 11 astronauts came back from the moon and embarked on a worldwide good will tour. During their stop in Holland, they and the then-U.S. ambassador gave the country a moon rock, which is now on display in a Dutch museum.

As it turns out, the moon rock is actually a piece of petrified wood. The Dutch, being the kindly people that they are, don’t really seem to care about the discovery of their 40-year old gift. Instead, they will keep displaying it.

Wait a minute, wait just a minute–they’re saying the moon has trees? This is amazing!