2017: A Booze Odyssey

One small batch for man, one giant beer run for mankind.

The Guys are all about space travel … so long as we work out a few hitches first. Most notably: the distinct lack of sustainable alcohol supplies up there in the void.

Bringing your own vodka with you like a cosmonaut is fine if you only plan to backpack to low Earth orbit for a weekend. But, for extended stays on the moon and beyond? Let’s just say we don’t want to risk over-reliance on resupply missions from an organization that prizes buzzcuts more than getting buzzed. (Yes, we mean you, NASA.)

Fortunately, UC San Diego undergrads are on the space case race. Team Original Gravity, a group of engineering students, hope to win a trip into space to brew our first lunar beer. They are competing for a spot on TeamIndus’ moonlander against 25 other finalists, so they could use our help with sponsorships.

Of course, we’re pulling all support if they go up there and make another g*ddamn IPA. (You’ve been warned, Team OG.)

You Missed It: Seasick edition

"I don't remember eating that."
“I don’t remember eating that.”

It’s finally here. The Super Bowl. It’s probably the best example of where American culture is, far more than those award shows. Everything’s America-tastic, from the National Anthem, to the commercials, to the crappy halftime shows, to the fact that only rich people can afford to go. Oh, and football is pretty American, too. This must be what the rest of the world feels like during one of those big soccer championship tournaments that seem to happen every five weeks. If you were busy abandoning your car on an Atlanta highway this week, odds are you missed it.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It’s was not a good week to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship, it was the norovirus. We imagine a sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, let’s hope the Bud Light cruise ship going to the Super Bowl is next.

State of Effusion
On Tuesday, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address, in which he laid out a bunch of things he wants to do this year, but Congress almost certainly won’t let him. He also threatened to veto any bill with provisions that could disrupt international talks with Iran regarding its nuclear program. Then he signed a bunch of things lawmakers handed him as he left the room. How does he know someone didn’t have him sign just such a bill?

The saddest rover in the solar system
China’s “Jade Rabbit” lunar rover had barely begun exploring the moon before it started having technical problems. The difficulties had to be put on hold when Chinese scientists put the rover in hibernation for the 14-day lunar night, and they’re not sure if it will wake up. Chinese media reported the rover actually saying before it was shut down, “If this journey must come to an early end, I am not afraid. Whether or not the repairs are successful, I believe even my malfunctions will provide my masters with valuable information and experience.” Just goes to show, you can’t spell “the moon” without “emo.”

Finally, a beer worthy of the Apollo missions

It’s inevitable, wherever man goes, beer is destined to follow. For example, the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock in what is now Massachusetts because the Mayflower was running low on beer. So, as humanity expands its presence in space, we take our brew with us.

We’ve told you about beer brewed with grains that went into space, and that beer is being designed for enjoyment by space tourists. Now, there’s a beer brewed with moon dust. Dogfish Head worked with the company that makes NASA’s space suits to procure some moon dust, which they have made a small batch ale.

Celeste-jewel-ale is available for a limited time at the Dogfish Head brewpub in Delaware. Can we get someone to send a case up to the International Space Station?

Supervillainy ‘Space Race’ begins

With the conclusion of the Apollo space missions in 1972, the possibility of lunar colonization has never been more than a flirtatious thought from presidential contenders and presidents looking for filler in State of the Union addresses.

Supervillains who have postponed their dreams of lunar bases will no longer be able to resist the moon’s gravitational pull now that NASA has found evidence of magma in the moon. That’s right: lunar volcanic lairs.

The only way this could inspire more super, ragier boners is if future lunar orbital missions find enough water on the moon to support mutated shark colonies.

Love, love me poo

If you know our animal foes as well as we do, then you’re already aware that dung beetles dance on top of their balls of feces. We always thought it was a premature end zone dance (Remember the good old days when dung beetles just handed the ball to the ref?) before rolling it back home.

But, South African and Swedish researchers believe they found the true reason for the dance: they’re Tiger Woods-ing that s@%t.

The beetle rolls its dung ball in a straight line backwards to its poophole. If stopped by an obstacle or for a very important phone call, the beetle almost always does the dance again to once again travel in a straight line to their underground crap chasm. Repeated experiments demonstrate that these beetles are actually using the dance to get their bearings — including “visual clues from the sun, moon, the Earth’s magnetic field or the nearest tall tree” — to plot a course as straight as the constipated crow flies.

Personally, we still think it’s because the beetles know we won’t step on them while they’re standing on poo, a move borrowed from human teenagers and their flaming sacks of duty.

(Turds.)

That’s no moo-oh, wait, no, it is

A new moon of sorts has been discovered belonging to Pluto, the dwarf planet that wants to be a full planet SO HARD. As astronomers are a picky bunch, it has yet to be given a true name (we suggest Urtaint), but scientists have currently labeled the mini-moon as P4. Logically, it’s assumed that this is because it’s Pluto’s fourth moon to be discovered; however, we wouldn’t be too surprised that it’s because the astronomers are trying to play a version of Connect Four on a galactic scale.

Thank everything that Pluto’s not a planet anymore. It’d be really dangerous for it to be a full planet with four moons.

Humpback whales: the largest nerds on Earth

We already knew there was something geeky about humpback whales. Their scoliosis is a dead giveaway, and swimmers are just below soccer players–but above mathletes–in the hierarchy of athletics.

But, now science believes that they may use astronomy to track their annual migration between the equator and polar regions. That’s full-blown nerdry right there.

Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.

But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.

By “stand up,” I mean to tell my own story, which is so incredible that it can only prove their claims are no less preposterous. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

You Missed It: Muy triste edition

It’s Friday the 13th, you know what that means–it means tomorrow is Saturday the 14th! It is also the holiday season, and I know all of you are planning to get me something, please feel free to email me for gift ideas. If you were busy throwing five picks in a game, odds are you missed it.

Dobbs out
In a surprise move, CNN anchorperson Lou Dobbs announced on his show “Lou Dobbs Tonight” (what are the odds someone named Lou Dobbs would get a show named that, huh?) that he would be leaving CNN at the end of the broadcast Wednesday night. Dobbs was known for his economic views, his conservative stance on illegal immigration and his trademark signoff, “Adios, muchachos!”

Prepare to be Palinized
Remember Sarah Palin? She’s back with her new book, Going Rogue, which was leaked this week. In it, Palin gives her point of view on the feud with the McCain campaign and Katie Couric. The most shocking revelation of the book: her forbidden tryst with then Sen. Joe Biden.

Hey, it beats having a team in Phoenix
NASA announced that not only was the moon bombing successful, but it helped uncover lunar ice. This is an amazing scientific discovery, because, well, I have no idea. However, it increases hockey’s chance as the first sport to be played on the moon.