Kick a moose and it will kick back

It’s easy for many of us to rail against our animal foes. We aren’t really near wildlife unless we take specific steps to immerse ourselves in the world of the animals. That’s not the case in Alaska, where you can get in a fight with animals at any moment.

In You Don’t Really Care What the City Name Is, Alaska, a man walked up to moose and her calf that were blocking his way. Frustrated, he kicked the bigger moose to get it out of the way. The moose kicked him back. Authorities say the man wasn’t seriously injured in the encounter, and the two moose had left they area before they could be questioned.

The lesson here, fellow warriors, is don’t try to beat an animal with strong legs at its own game.

It’s a mountain, not a moose-tain

The moose is back and baby, it’s back with a bunch moose-itude! A man in Vermont was casually minding his own business, simply skiing when a crazed moose began charging him! The horror!

If it wasn’t for the quick thinking of Jeff Palmer*, the moose could have done some serious damage to him. Back off, the plural form of moose! The mountains are ours, not yours!

*Three things everyone knows:

  • If a moose charges you, run into the woods.
  • The real voice of a moose is Brad Garrett.
  • Jazz was the tall military commando with the banging hair in Transformers.

Red Leaf Down

Since 2001, the U.S. has beefed up border security, which has resulted in a few complications, like American citizens living in the U.S., yet walled off with Mexico. And northern citizens, who have cozied up with Canada over the past couple of centuries, even sharing towns and currency, have argued that there’s no reason to secure both borders. Were it possible to actually eat words, we imagine this argument would taste as shameful as licorice-flavored edible panties from Spencer’s, for animals have discovered America’s most vulnerable spot to attack: Canada.

A Royal Canadian Mounted Police Officer — mounted, in this case, in a car — attempted to break up what appeared to be illegal mid-road moose assembly. It turned out to be an ambush, and the officer narrowly escaped with his life after a bull moose charged his trusty steed. The attacker broke off his front bumper, pierced the driver’s side window and injured the officer. Also, it left hoofprints on the roof and trunk, which may have desecrated the Canadian maple leaf if they put those sorts of things on their police cars.

Unfortunately, the RCMP were unable to get their mooses moosen meese antlered men, which means these armed and dangerous beasts are heading for our border while we’re distracted with Hurricane Sandy. It’s time to wall off Canada and their animal terrorists for good.

An unholy marriage

People in the Mid-West are a little strange. There’s not much to do, and quite often it is colder that survivable for most human beings. But in North Dakota, it only makes them more colorful, if not traitorous.

Though North Dakota is known for an abomination or two, this one has a tinge we don’t much like. A moose named Ana, the namesake of the town of Anamoose, North Dakota, has married another moose. What makes it worse is that the ceremony was performed by humans!

The only thing keeping us from declaring a blog jihad (or “jiblog) against that whole state is the fact that the people involved seemed to be a bit sarcastic when they married the moose (mooses?). They have been declared “miserable mates.”

Yeah, see you in hell, Ana!

The moose is loose

In Alaska, wildlife is everywhere and the terrain is more untamed than tamed, so Alaska State Troopers are used to dealing with just about anything. However, let us not forget that animals are crafty, crafty creatures hellbent on destroying mankind.

One state trooper was driving along the road one night when something, later found to be a moose, fell from the sky. The moose narrowly missed the cop’s car, dying on impact with the ground. According to officials, the moose had fallen off a cliff above the road by accident.

This blog continues to be perplexed at Alaska’s cover-up attempt in what is clearly a kamikaze attack on the state’s finest. We all know the real story. As we learned earlier, stay away from moose at all costs.

(Suggested by many)

The dangerous moose

While the winter’s cold has relegated most enemy combatants to hibernate or attack only in the south, animals in the colder climates have managed to find ways of getting to us humans. In Vermont, a moose has taken up residence in one person’s back yard for several months.

Named Rocky, because Vermonters often mistake moose for flying squirrels and boxers, the moose has become something of a roadside attraction, because it will walk up to cars and greet the people inside–not with words, yet. This blog is extremely worried about this, because not only is the moose lulling people into a sense of trust, officials think it may have a brainworm disease, which this blog thinks it was sent to give to as many humans as moosely possible.