You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?


Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

The McBournie Minute: ‘I see the moon, the moon sees me’

For the most part, space really hasn’t been that exciting in a long time. Sure, there has been some attention paid when a new rover lands on Mars, or there is a tragedy, or we send John Glenn up into orbit again. But really, we just don’t care about space the way we did in the 1950s and 1960s.

That is until recently.

NASA brought us into yet another interstellar war last Friday morning when it bombed the moon. They “claim” it was to see if the debris kicked up by the impact could prove that the moon was, in fact, made of cheese, but the Internet knows better. It always does. That is why we live in the Porn Information Age. The age of citizen journalism. The age when you don’t need any fancy pants “credibility” or “evidence” to support your claims. Bearing this in mind, here is what really happened to the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: ‘I see the moon, the moon sees me’

Great vengeance and fuuuuurious anger!

According to James Carville, presidential hopeful Barack Obama must get angry to win this election.

Angry about what? “Just something.”

More specifically, “something other than ‘attacks on his patriotism.'”

You heard the man-goat hybrid, Senator. Get angry. Let the rage out.

Just be careful. Americans prefer their angry black men to either seethe like Morgan Freeman or bellow like Samuel Jackson. Anything else would be, well, a little scary.

You Missed It: Eights are wild edition

It’s Friday. More than that, it’s an 8/8/08 Friday. Does that mean something special to you? It should, because it’s the last time we are going to see all three date categories matching up until 9/9/09, and we all know that is way too far in the future to comprehend. Anyway, if you were busy airing fake political ads this week, odds are you missed it.

Lucius Fox will not drive the Batmobile anytime soon
Actor Morgan Freeman and his wife’s friend were involved in a car accident in Mississippi. Reportedly, Freeman was driving at night and the car left the road, flipping into a ditch. He had surgery and was released, but it turns out he and his wife are getting divorced. It just so happens Freeman has been rumored to have a mistress that was one of his wife’s friends. Draw your own conclusions on the cause of the accident, if you know what we mean. Freeman’s accident is the latest in a series of mishaps and tragedies that have befallen the cast of The Dark Knight. First Heath Ledger’s death, then Christian Bale’s assault charges, then Maggie Gyllenhaal’s droopy face.

The Olympics are seeing red
Today marks the first day of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. This means that we can expect a great deal of sports coverage on television for the next couple weeks. Security is said to be very tight at the event, so that means all the athletes have to worry about is smog, SARS and possible jail time for even saying the word “Tibet.”

Georgia on Russia’s mind
In a military operation totally not planned to happen the same day as the beginning of the Olympics, because that would just too conveniently take the world’s eye off the ball for a little while, Russia has invaded Georgia, making it the first time since General William T. Sherman in 1864 that an invading force has–wait, I’m being told there is more than one Georgia. Apparently there is one in Asia, too. Russia says next it will invade New Jersey, the one in Asia.

Packers send Favre packing
Brett Favre (pronounced FAV-ree) has been traded by the Green Bay Packers to the New York Jets this week after being reinstated in the NFL and a drama that has been going on since the end of last season and Favre’s (supposed) retirement. Favre is clearly going through the classic mid-life crisis, where a man looks around at his life, at his NFL records, his Super Bowl rings and his piles of money and asks himself “Is this really all there is?”

Take that, Morgan Freeman

Yes, we’ve all been suckered in by the cute penguin movies over the past couple of years. March of the Penguins and Happy Feet have lulled us into a false sense of security over these black and white living bowling pins. However, if you’ll read this article carefully, you’ll notice that majority of the penguins are being washed up in petroleum.

That’s right, these fish-gobbling cash cows are attempting to steal our oil. So the next time you’re spending $60 to fill up your car, think back to the $20 you spent on the relaxing voice over of Morgan Freeman that is financing these criminals.