If you read this blog, there’s a fair chance that you don’t like in Utah. We say this because it sounds like Utah is an awful place for drinkers. For example, it’s a state law that bars and restaurants must pour your alcoholic beverage from behind a wall, so it’s out of your sight.
But that could all change, now that a state lawmaker has proposed a bill to end the so-called “Zion Wall.” Rep. Brad Wilson wants places that serve alcoholic beverages to be able to pour the drinks in an open area, as opposed to the current system, where the bartender could be putting his penis in your drink, for all you know. Instead, drinks could be poured in view of customers, but anyone under 21 could have to be 10 feet back from the area where they are poured. This is important, because even though they’re encouraged to marry by that age, there’s no reason why Mormons under 21 should see the sexiness of a drink being poured.
The Guys are firmly in favor of tearing down walls.
They warned us. They warned us that legalizing gay marriage would lead us down a slippery slope that would eventually see man-on-dog and woman-on-baby marriage. Well, it’s now clear that what happens on Broadway affects Utah in more ways than The Book of Mormon: polygamists now want the legal right to pretend to be married and share a mortgage and kids.
Sure, they’re not really all married—just some dude to one woman and a bunch of girlfriends—but, let’s call this what it really is: pretty f%@king cool.
I know, I know; it’s practically a stereotype for a male writer to Internet high-five some weird Mormon guy collecting women like Pokemon. I acknowledge that, but I’m not saying this for the reasons you think. Continue reading →
You might think ordering a drink at a bar through a pane of glass separating you and the bartender means you’re not in the safest of areas. You’d be wrong. You would have to instead worry if that woman you’re hitting one is one of some guy’s collection of wives.
Yes, in Utah a pane of glass at the bar kept patrons from those serving them booze. Instead, the bartenders would have to walk around the bar and come out to them to serve the drink. These “Zion curtains” are no more, at long last, the law has been repealed. But don’t get thinking drinking in Mormon country is fun yet.
New restaurants have to make drinks in a back room away from customers, because, you know, it’s much safer to drink something you didn’t see mixed, just like at a frat party. Also, you can’t get a drink unless you plan on ordering some food, too. Yes, that’s real.
A couple of weeks ago, I addressed how woefully inaccurate my predictions turned out for 2008. I have two responses for that:
Shut up. You try predicting the future. It’s really, really hard.
My vision was tainted by proximity. Predicting 2008 was like trying to read with my nose against the page.
So that is why I am continuing my series of 2028 news predictions. In twenty years, my clairvoyance will be so recognized that Suri Cruise will beg to be the new me. (By then, Scientology will be the equivalent of today’s Mormons.) Continue reading →