Palin goes full retard, drags rest of U.S. with her

Sarah Palin kicked off a new Profile in Sadness this week by being offended by Rahm Emmanuel’s use of the word “retarded” to describe a retarded idea in a strategy session meeting.

Though Palin was not in attendance, she is demanding that the White House fire the White House Chief of Staff, claiming that it was just like Emmanuel called her son, Trig, the “N-word.” (Why do white people always pull out the n-word like it’s their go-to?) The Guys would bet dollars to donuts that she thought the staffers’ plan actually had something to do with her spawn.

But, she’s not the only one to behave like a retard in this situation: Emmanuel called Tim Shriver, CEO of the Special Olympics, to apologize. Tim Shriver doesn’t even have a mental handicap. That’s like apologizing to a car wash after you keyed someone’s pickup.

Of course, the Special Olympics is using the opportunity to “Spread the Word to End the Word.” And by “the word,” they mean “retarded”: a word they haven’t used in years to describe their participants, nor do the rest of us. We do use it, however, to refer to people that accidentally blow their nuts off or think Africa is a country.

Look, folks. Nobody cares if we use the words “stupid,” “idiot,” “moron,” “dumb” or “imbecile,” and they all have the same origin as “retarded.” Acting retarded will not make people with mental disabilities feel like they’re in good company because they’re not retarded.

At the end of the day, do we really want to live in a world where we can’t call Democrats “f#%king retarded” for proposing to launch an ad campaign against their own congresspeople in an election year?

Take it from Snee: Stop being retarded

OK, so some people are up in arms about President Barack Obama (as opposed to President of the Obama Spaghetti Co., Greg Obama) comparing his bowling to the performance one would expect at the Special Olympics.

It’s not the best idea to make fun of Special Athletes. I mean, they’re funny, but not in a mean way; more funny in an affirmation-of-life way, like Life Is Beautiful.

So, I’m not going to defend Obama’s comment. This is precisely why it’s retarded for a sitting POTUS to appear on Leno.

Uh-oh. Looks like I said a bad word: “retarded.”

Contrary to what the Special Olympics Committee and others will tell you, it’s not. Strap those helmets on a little tighter, tards, because we’re about to explore the r-word. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Stop being retarded

Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Every year, Americans do what we do best: sit around a table to observe a once-meaningful holiday because we’d look funny if we didn’t.

Me: Hey, Ted from Accounting. Big four day weekend, eh?

Ted from Accounting: Yep, gonna eat turkey with the family and watch some football. You?

Me: Oh, I’m going to Aruba for the long weekend to collect orgasms.

TfA: Well, that makes too much sense. Freak.

Thanksgiving, like every other U.S.-observed holiday, has auspicious, yet bullsh-t, origins. But if you boil that bathwater past the paper headdresses, you find a story that doesn’t matter anymore today: a group of proto-Americans are starving to death, yet finally scrape up enough farming to survive … until winter starts in earnest.

They’re thankful for managing with what they’ve got to enjoy each others’ presence, which ironically helps spread the cholera.

We don’t have that problem anymore. Even if we catch childhood leukemia, we still get an awesome last wish. (That’s only because Leonard Nimoy can’t catch leukemia from his Make-A-Wish cancer kid.) And we don’t really enjoy each others’ company. If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, entire families would never see each other except to marry or bury someone.

And we definitely aren’t just scraping by. Outside of a certain percentage of poor people, the modern Thanksgiving is a modern festival of consumer distractions. The table is full of food that will go uneaten, and those who attempt to finish it off will slip into a gluttony coma on the leather sofa. This happens while everyone watches a parade full of cartoon characters selling toys, the latests must-see TV stars and the pirate of plastic productions, Santa himself. Then there’s football, which features players goosed up on the latest pharmaceuticals beating Vegas odds so the owner can sell more ball caps to guys trying to find cool new ways to cover up bald spots.

Even the idea of a feast in today’s America is ridiculous. The idea of a feast is to celebrate having plenty when you normally have little. Seen those obesity numbers lately?

So, with all that in mind, here’s my list of the things that I am thankful for this year: Continue reading Take it from Snee: I’m thankful