How To: Turn your kid in a blow gun

Longtime readers, no time commenters may recall that Guys Bryan McBournie and Rick Snee used to alternate a weekly feature called “How To.” Although we’ve since fallen off the controlling-your-life wagon, every so often we’ll run across a life skill we didn’t even know that you need.

Moms, are you prepared to administer … The Mother’s Kiss?”

Used when (not if) Junior lodges something up his nose, the now pediatrician-approved “Mother’s Kiss” is the best way to remove that object without a panicked ER visit. (Note: Never use tweezers or pliers to pull a foreign object out of your child’s nose. You might need those to pluck your eyebrows later.)

Simply plug the Cheerio-free nostril, and then seal your mouth over your husband’s child’s open mouth. Next, blow. Executed properly, the tiny race car should shoot out of either the nostril or the ears.

For some moms, nagging starts early

Today’s Headline of the Day is a dire warning: “Never wake a sleeping baby.”

We all know the hazards of infants. But, sleeping babies are like sleep walkers. Waking one up during their routine murder spree dreams could put you and your family at risk, especially once they reach they early moving-around stages.

But, depressed moms refuse to heed this warning, and science is trying to figure out why. Possible motives include worrying about the baby’s health or needing emotional reassurance from something you’ve made. (The Guys hug daily print-outs of our Web site every night.) They did not consider the theory that we submitted: revenge for midnight feedings.

This is what pro-lifers actually believe

The abortion debate is no simple matter. Both sides present a nuanced morality in which the lives of women, and the babies that poop inside of them, are fraught with trauma and heartbreak … at least until yesterday.

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed a bill Tuesday that makes it a felony for doctors to perform an abortion for a mother that does not want her child based on race or gender. It’s the first law of its kind according to state legislators, to whom we say finally!

It’s a proven statistic that parents who just loves themselves some abortion and only want one boy and one girl will abort the rest until they achieve it. That’s where the “2.5 kids” average comes from: the half is actually the assembled parts of all the fetuses that didn’t make the cut.

And, of course, it’s high time we put an end to racist mothers who clearly had sex with someone of another race.

Remember: if you’re not for this bill, then you are a racist, sexist hate criminal.

Take it from Snee: The dark truth behind ‘How I Met Your Mother’

If you’re like me, you’re a handsome, well-read critic of all media. And, you watch How I Met Your Mother.

If you’re not like me, then here’s the basic premise: a guy in the year 2030 explains to his two teenage children the long ass story about how he met their mother. It’s been on since 2005, and he still hasn’t gotten to the part where he–oh, I don’t know–meets their f@%king mother.

Instead, the story he tells them has covered his failed career as an architect, his friends and their families, doppelgangers and the assorted women he’s slept with who aren’t their mother (more on that later).

This past season has included some kind of heavy s#&t, including the death of Marshall’s dad and Barney meeting his dad. Also, Lily’s dad may or may not be in prison. There’s only one other character, Robin, and I’m guessing she’s going to abort a baby or something to get her dad’s attention.

But, is this really the beginning of a dark era on the show? No, because there has always been something far darker, lurking in the very premise of the show since episode one: why is Ted, who’s played in the series by Josh Radnor, narrated in 2030 by Bob Saget? Continue reading Take it from Snee: The dark truth behind ‘How I Met Your Mother’

Ask Dr. Snee: A pregnant pause

What lurks below?Dear Dr. Snee,

I have a 12-year-old son who has recently started spending a lot of time in the bathroom. A lot of time. When I ask him what he’s doing, he refuses to look me in the eye and says that he “was just, you know, going to the bathroom.” As a mother, I’d like to believe him, but what kind of kid goes to the bathroom three times in one hour?! What should I do?


12-years-old, eh? Inordinate amount of time in the bathroom, you say? No complete sentences in this medical advice column yet? Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: A pregnant pause