After taking nearly 2,000 years off, Jesus Christ has finally returned. And as it was foretold in scripture, He returned to break into a Pizza Hut in North Carolina.
In the wee hours of the morning, Christ broke a window at a Pizza Hut in High Point, N.C. and ate a pizza, washed down with a Mountain Dew. The Son of God, because He’s a pretty honest guy, then called 911 to report what he had done. He identified himself as Jesus Christ, and announced that He had some back to Earth. And lo, then the dispatcher asked him what He looked like. The King of the Jews replied, “I look like Jesus — what else am I supposed to look like?”
He then gave the dispatcher a message to spread to all of God’s children: “We’re tired of Judases on this Earth. We’re going to clean this Earth up.”
The unbelieving police officers soon arrested Him, and charged Him with breaking and entering and larceny. They even falsely booked Him under the name Richard Lee Quintero. This is God’s plan.
It might be time for Pepsi Co. Inc. to review their legal team.
When Ronald Ball of Illinois sued over allegedly finding a dead mouse in his can of Mountain Dew, the soft drink company responded with a resounding, “Nuh-uh,” adding that steeping a mouse in Mountain Dew would have corroded it into a “jelly-like” substance.
So, quit whining, and embrace the extreme! Why, there could be all kinds of acid-melted animals in the Code Red right there in your hand, dude.
Hello, I’m legendary SeriouslyWriter Bryan Schools. I don’t quite know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal, people know me.
And people who know SG know Booze News. People who know Booze News, tend to drink and people who tend to drink tend know good booze, but unfortunately, due to a bad economy and general low standards, they also know bad booze. Kind of like sports has the cream of the crop, and then the cream of the crap, there’s good, there’s bad, and that my friends inspired my horrible idea for a column to compare the best and worst teams of each of the major pro sports … to brands of booze (and in no way was I drinking a vodka Red Bull and Mountain Dew when I wrote this, nor was it Smirnoff, the Denver Nuggets of alcohol). Continue reading Eat My Sports: Booze News style